My Memories and Thoughts: 2006-09-17

January 11th,2005 was when we had Dad's funeral.
Since Dad passed on Christmas Day we thought we would have the funeral after Christmas.I wanted to have it on the 29th of Dec but since most of the family lives in BC we thought then in the New Year.So at first I said Jan 3rd but my Auntie Susie was having knee surgery on the 4th and needed at least a week after that so that is why it was on the 11th.And there was no way she was going to miss it.Dad was really close to his sister Susie.Originally I was going to have everyone come to my house after but thought that is going to be alot of people so we booked the hall after the funeral.The funeral was at first at 1:30 but since we needed the hall we had to change it to 3:30pm.They even messed that up in the paper so we had to do a reprint.

Dad wanted to be cremated because he never wanted anyone to see him that way that is why we had a little veiwing before he got cremated.Dad made it pretty clear to that he only wanted coffee and dounuts servered after but I thought to myself no way.That is never going to be enough so I made 14 dozen different kinds of sandwiches and my cousin Suzette made alot of treats.Then of course we got the cake with Dad's picture on it and no one even touched that.I think no one wanted to cut into it.So many people showed up to say goodbye to Dad.His old girlfriend Elsie who he went to Hawaii with in 86 came but I always stayed in contact with her after they broke up for we were pretty close.And who can forget her Daughter Cherie.She is so sweet and my buddy for life.She is handicapped but is so smart.You can tell her a birthday and a phone number and she will never forget it.She always calls me on my Birthday and she never misses either.She even calls on my kids birthday.I remember talking to her last year and I asked her if she was coming to the funeral and she said she had to work.Well when I seen her there she ran and gave me a huge bear hug.Cherie and I were always close.I was the only one who could calm her down when she was mad or upset.I love you forever Cherie.My big sister Denise came and was that ever nice to see her.I haven't seen her in years.My Dad got us big sister's when we were 8 since we never had a Mom in our life.Denise and I were so close we still talk on the phone every now and then but she has a son which keeps her busy.He is 22 now but she was always a busy big sister.We did so many fun things together.It wishes I was young again.LOL.

Anyways while waiting for the service before us to end I was out in the parking lot and I seen a car with a lady inside.Well right away I started crying for it was my Dad's good friend ThelmaI recognized her right away.Dad also worked with her in the nursing home and in Alberta Hospital.I was wanting to get a hold of her so bad and let her know what happened to Dad but never knew where she lived.So when she showed up it was so nice for I haven't seen her since Jason was a baby when she came to his baby shower so that was 10 years ago.She seen that Dad passed away in the paper and was shocked to see it was my Dad.Im so glad she came.We talk all the time now and she phoned me on Christmas to see how I was making out.She is such a sweet heart.We always got along so good.I remember when she took me shopping and got me anything I wanted when I was 14.

Dad's funeral was everything he wanted minus the extra food.And there was tons to take home.The songs he wanted playing for the service is the one on main page and in the one in the guestbook.It was a day full of tears and laughter while listening to stories of Dad.So I will now leave you with the Eulogy to read.I will let you all know what happened last week really soon.Thank you all so much for all you love and support throughout the year.I love you all.

Hello Everyone. Want to thank Brenda, Brent, and Belinda for choosing me to speak here today. Can’t help but feel very honored and proud, to speak about a very special person who was a dad.
On December 25, in the wee early morning, I tossed and turned in a very light sleep, like so many others do on such a day. Dreaming of life, thinking of old friends, family, the future, the past. Its Christmas. But my sleep was broken by a sudden sound. The phone was ringing. And found myself thinking of David at that very moment, and strangely feeling relieved and very happy for him.
David Rurka had died at the age of 63, Christmas Day at the Royal Alex Hospital, in Edmonton, a long battle with illness finally ended, that he had fought for so many years. Finally at rest.
He left behind 3 children , a Son Brent, and daughters Brenda and Belinda. Five grandchildren, David, Cassandra, Jason, Tristan, and Felicity. He leaves behind five brothers, Steve, Emil, Roy, Marty, Victor. He leaves behind three sisters Diane his twin, and Joyce, and Susie. And so many numerous nieces and nephews. Predeceased loved ones, are his Mother Ann, his Father William, his first son Jason and his brother Mike.
I like to think his life was a very, very, full and a rewarding one. His work career involved graduating from nursing school at a young age and getting straight to work at ST.JOESPH HOSPITAL IN VEGREVILLE where he stayed FOR TWENTY YEARS. THEN Had moved TO EDMONTON AND WORKED AT FORT SASK.GENERAL HOSPITAL FOR a few YEARS. Then onto DICKENFieLD EXTENDED CARE for a time, and then too, ST.MICHEALS EXTENDED CARE, AND FINALLY ALBERTA HOSPITAL til he retired due to illness. He LOVED NURSING AND TOOK SO MUCH PRIDE IN HIS JOB. He excelled at caring for others.
During his life he had 4 children Jason Curtis Rurka Oct 15, 1966, Little Jason passed away on DEC 17,1967. But a year later, -BRENT DAVID RURKA was born DEC 16,1968, then two years later, he was blessed with twins -BRENDA MARIA RURKA and -BELINDA ANN RURKA both born MARCH 28,1970.
His first grandchild was DAVID SCOTT, Brent’s little boy. Then came Belinda’s little girl Cassandra Lynn Then came Brenda’s little boy, Jason Austin .Then came grandpa’s little devil TRISTAN MICHAEL another son from Brenda. And then of course the little sweetheart FELICITY DAWN, the third of Brenda’s children. David was a great DAD. He raised his kids through some hard times, such so I personally remember he made the front page of the Edmonton Journal for being a single Dad raising three kids. That was a rare thing back then. Everyone was so proud of him.
If anyone has ever seen David at wedding’s they would know, he loved to dance. One song in particular, The Bird Dance. He would jump right out of his chair and grab anyone when heard that song. I even heard of one story, where he and some of his brothers and sisters were stuck in the car waiting for a train to pass by. Somehow the birddance song came up on the radio. Before you knew it, he was hopping out of the car and doing the dance for all to see. I wish I coulda seen that one. He loved the sun, was a sun worshiper and each year had always the most amazing tan. He was always doing something. When he wasn’t working, he was looking out for his kids, and when he wasn’t doing that, I think he was dancing. He loved playing those silly card games with the family. He knew how to have fun. One particular memory that goes way back, told to me by one of his brothers, is on the farm, back when all his brothers and sisters were children themselves, the time they spent with each other trying to catch gophers and breaking ice on the creek, the usual fooling around that kids do, his brother Mike would throw nickels on the weak ice and how all of them would try to get to the nickels without breaking the ice... but of course, the ice would always break and they would fall in...I was told as to how adventurous he was, never afraid to try any crazy ride, how Dave would go on the highest waterslide as a kid, the one no one else would go on....but Dave would...In Mexico, while on vacation with a brother and sister, he was the only one that went snorkelling out of the bunch, and the first one to go parasailing. And even got a few others excited enough to try parasailing too.
So many stories have been told to me by his children, I could only pick a few to say today. And here I would like to tell you a few.
I was told of one christmas eve him and the kids were getting ready to go to midnight mass, and they were all in the car. David told the kids he had to go to the washroom, so they were waited for him in the car. Well he ws taking a bit of time and the kids being impatient, went to see what he was doing. And there the fart was caught red handed, snacking on the cookies and milk they left out for santa. What a little sneak, as Brenda would say. The kids were so mad at him for eating Santa’s cookies and milk.
I was told of times of summer where he took the kids, for single parents day, for swimming and picnic’s, and of course, he would enjoy throwing all the kids into the water from the pool side. They loved him for that. Here is a quote from one of his daughters.
“Dad. I remember when you used to sleep on the couch at Elsie’s and I would take a feather and tickle your nose with it, and your hand would be swatting at your nose. That was so funny dad. But then you got me because you yelled BOO, and grabbed me and started to ticke me. You were awake the whole time. You were so sneaky dad.”
I was told how much you enjoyed putting up the tree and decorations for Christmas. And you would always say each year how much you liked the way Auntie Susie does her tree with tinsel. And how you would paint all the window’s at the house in a christmassy fashion.
I was told of how one of the kids would loose a tooth and would place the tooth under the pillow, so the tooth fairy would come and pay a visit. And not wanting the other two kids to miss out, you had your other kids draw and cut paper teeth, so that everyone found money under their pillow in the morning. No one was ever left out.
I heard of silly times you had with Elsie and the kids, fooling around with a baby bottle and making everyone drink from it even though you all were way too old for a baby bottle. They thought that was so funny of their dad.
I was told of times when the kids would always cry over you with worry, when you were injured or sick, like when your leg went numb and you couldn’t feel it. It made them so sad to see you hurt. And they couldn’t help but cry.
I was told of how hard you fought for you kids and how you were not only a father but a mother too. How you had to put the kids in a foster home, to give you time get a better job and a better home. But the kids were only in that foster home for 5 months, you worked hard and got them a new home, and it all turned out good, the kids were even blessed with a new grandma, the lady from the foster home, who they still see and visit to this day.
I was told of a time when Brent threw a rock at a sign, it bounced off it and hit Brenda in the head, poor Brenda had to get stiches, how you took her to hospital, cared for the stitches and then removed them yourself once they were healed. But only too take her to hospital for more stitches because of a oopsy somersault off the diving board they next day.
I was told how mad you were when you found cigarettes they had hidden when the kids were only at the age of 12. Boy were you mad.
I was told of the time the ukrainian egg in Vegreville was being built and the kids would ask you why they were making it. And David you replied, “Well, they are making the egg for me” After that, the kids were going around telling everyone that the egg was being built for there dad. At least til they realized you was joking with them You was such a funny dad.
I was told of how when they lived at elsie's and they had a friend jody who broke the garage door one day and so she wasn't allowed to sleepover no more. So one day they snuck her in and she slept under the bed. You never knew she was there and that she had slept over. The kids thought that was pretty funny and had a secret you didn’t know about. Then one day they were over Jody's place, and a screen door got broken and then they weren’t allowed over at Jodie’s place anymore. But the kids slept in her closet for a sleepover anyways, and her mom almost caught them. Well oops, I guess you know now, sorry dad.
I was told of how when Belinda and Brenda were small around age 4 I think, and they ran away from home, this was back in Vegreville. Well david was in a huge panic and couldn’t find them anywhere, but a nice lady at the corner store, she phoned you and calmed you down, cause she found the girls in the store.
I was told of a time you were at work and one of the kids found some rags and gasoline in the basement, and of course a lighter. One thing led to another and soon the coffee table was on fire..You never found out about that one. Oops I guess you know know dad.
Once time when the kids were about 3-4 years old in Vegreville. The three of them were outside in the back yard. Well they had found paint and paint brushes in the storage shed, and well of course one thing led to another, and the swingset received a swift paint job, even the grass, and of course the 3 of them had paint all over themselves. Dad came outside to check on them, and well you can imagine the look on his face.
I was told ofone of your granddaughters were born. You came in to the viewing window to see the newborns and somehow you picked out your granddaughter from the bunch on the first try, and immediately pointed, saying “that’s my granddaughter, let me hold her. That was you Cassandra.
I was told of how you were with Brenda in the hospital while she was in Labour with
Jason and how proud you were to cut the cord.
I was told of 18’th birthdays and of course how dad took them out for their first drink together, welcoming them to adulthood.
I was told story, where one of his kids was very mad about something, and in frustration broke the fish tank, there was water, glass, and fish everywhere. Some of it, even flowing down the stairs. But you had such great tolerance, all you said was, “Now why did you do something silly and stupid like that?” And then helped to clean up the mess.
He loved kids, loved his children, loved his brothers and sisters, and did the best he could by them. He was so caring, and did his best to always be there. He gave more of himself then he ever took from peopl. When I think about my Uncle David, I think of the many weekends we spent together, us kids playing downstairs, and all you grownups upstairs playing cards, I could hear you laughing, we were laughing, happy times. You were always there for even for my triumphs in life. You were there for my baptism, my Confirmation, my graduations, always there to see me shine. And the best part was, I never needed to tell or ask you, because he already knew what was going on in my life, and had already made plans to be there, he cared that much. He had a wonderful aura about him, his concerns were always geniune. I’m so grateful I was able to tell him I loved him before he left. I know in my heart, that he is back to his old happy self once again, full of energy, strong, and healthy once again. Thinking of others. A Christmas Angel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, January 8, 2006 2:21 AM CST

I PROMISE TO HAVE DAD'S PAGE UPDATED BY TONIGHT.JUST BEEN SO BUSY AND I'M STILL SICK.SORRY IT'S TAKING ME SO LONG.YOU WILL ALSO BE SEEING MY IN YOUR GUESTBOOKS SOON.THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE.

Jan 11th,2005

This is the day we had Dad's funeral.I will be changing the page tonight and updating.I will tell you what happpened here the other day after I post about Dad's funeral.That will come first.Dad's page should be updated by tomorrow morning if the kids let me tonight.

Thanks for all your love and support.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, January 5, 2006 1:05 AM CST

I'm not doing so good.I got some really upsetting news today.My Uncle is still hanging in there,it has nothing to do about that.I will explain more later.Right now I'm hurt,confused.My head is pounding like crazy,I'm a wreck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 2:09 PM CST

I'm so sick.I got it from my kids.My whole body aches.My head has been pounding for two days now.And I'm have lower back spasam's,where is hurts when I breathe.I started signing pages for New Year's just can't do it But I will sign when I'm feeling better.Hopefully that will be soon.

What a weekend.This year I was one of those last minute shopper's.I never started any of my Christmas shopping until the 23.Well were the stores crazy.First I went to Walmart fo get things for Felicity,well there was nothing there.No Bratz,My Little Pony or Trollz.I was so upset.I let there and went to Zeller's and they had everything there I want to get for Felicity.I got some of Tristan's there.I got hame and realized I had no wrapping paper.Well thankfully Walmart was open for 72 hours So I was shopping at 1 am for Jason there and they were right out of wrapping paper.So no gifts were getting wrapped untill Christmas eve and that is when I finished all my shopping.I sat here for almost 4 hours wrapping the gifts.I couldn't sleep anyways.I kept thinking of Dad.When I finally decided to get some sleep around 4am I was laying in bed and closed my eyes and I was almost asleep but I woke up crying.There when my eyes were shut was my Dad and he was holding two babies.I know that one was my baby brother and the other one was Avery.I could see little kids all around him and they all looked so happy. It was so clear and seemed so real.Then after that everytime I closed my eyes I could see my Dad and he was everywhere.I know it was Dad's way of telling me that he was here with us on Christmas.Christmas Day the kids were up early.And were they ever excited.I stayed strong for there sake and they never saw me cry.I took so many picture's.I'm going to post them soon I'm going to wait till Jason gets home so I can post them all for he went to his Dad's and won't be back until Jan 8th.I might post these two monkies pics and post the rest later.We never had a turkey for Mike said there was no way he was cooking one so it was a bummer.It just seemed like another day around here.I remember last time Dad was here he had two helpings of turkey and that was alot for Dad.It just wasn't the same without Dad here.I felt so empty and lost.I thought about all the other Christmas's that I shared with Dad and that brought a smile to my face.I want to thank all of you for all your kind words for they helped me get through this.You are all amazing and I love you all.

Before school was out and pre-school Felicity made a house and Tristan made a tree in Kindergarten..I wanted to keep both of them but they ate most of the candies off of them so thank god for picture's.They both were so excited that Santa came and seen them at there School.Felicity had her party at pre-school on Thursday which she got some lip stuff and a princess puzzle form Santa.See the bruise by her eye.Well last week she walked into everything.She did that four times and it was always the face.So she had the bruise by her eye and on her forhead.I asked her why she was walking into everything and she tole me she forgot to turn around.That's Fissy for you .LOL.Tristan got lots of cool things from his teacher.And he loved it when Santa came to his class room.When Santa left they all sang him a song it was so cute.I was going to wait until Santa went to Jason's class but he said no way so I just got this picture of him.

Santa was good to me too for I got a new Computer Chair a watch and some more VHS tapes for all my taping that I do and season.4,5,6,7,8,9 and the christmas show on DVD of Little House on the Prairie.This was Dad's and mine favorite show.I used to always go to his house and we would watch it together.After the New Year I'm going to do a Little House On The Prarie page for Dad since he loved the show so much. Well that is all for now.Kids want to go outside again so I will talk to you all later.

Love Always

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 27, 2005 3:45 PM CST

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.Mine was good and very emotional for me.I will update later on tonight sometime.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 11:01 AM CST

MERRY CHRISTMAS GRANDPA WE LOVE YOU!

Friday December 17th 2004 was one of the worse nights of my life.That is when the doctor came to me and said that there was nothing more for them to do for Dad.The Hiv meds were not working and Dad was having a really hard time breathing at this point.My Cousin Suzette came down to stay with me at the hospital that night and I remember Dad wanting a nurse for some meds but he never wanted just any nurse he wanted the blonde nurse.Dad was funny even then.He said the other nurse was a cow.I told him not to talk like that for they were all being very good to him.But that was the nurse who sucked out the crap out of his lungs and he was crying and gagging so he thought she was a cow now in his eyes for putting him through that.My poor Dad.I'm so thankful that Suzette was with me when I got the news.For I just lost it.They were asking me to stop all meds and if I thought it was the best decision.Well all I could think of was by doing that it was like I was killing my Dad to me.I wish he never left that up to me.But that is what Dad wanted.I'm so glad that Suzette was with me.So around 9 pm I told the Doctor and they stopped treating Dad and were just going to keep him comfortable.I could not get ahold of my Brother or Sister for they were in the bar somewhere when I had to let the Doctors know what I was going to do.Brent finally got the hospital around 12am and my sister around 1:30am after my cousin Kim went to the bar that she always went to and got her.I was so mad at her for drinking and for bringing her drunk boyfriend to the hospital with her.Around midnight the nurses asked me if I wanted a priest to come and bless Dad,of course I said yes.When the priest got there I held Dad so tight and just cried.After that was done Dad started moving his hand in a circle and was saying something.Well my brother and sister thought he wanted us to all hold hands and thought that was then end for my Dad.Well Dad was tallking to me .He wanted me to turn arouond.It took us a few minutes to figure out what he was saying.SO I turned all the way around.Well Dad got mad you should of seen the look on his face it was priceless.So I turned around again and I will never forget what happened next.I sit here crying just remembering what happened.When I turned around for Dad so my back was facing him he took his hand and patted my back then rubbed it for a few minutes.I just stood there and cried.I know that was Dad letting me know how thankful he was that I was always there at the hospital taking care of him and being there for him.For I was the only one he did it too.It made me feel special.Everyone left the hospital around 3 am but Suzette and I.In the morning around 8am I ran home to get Mike and the kids to bring them to see there Grandpa one last time.Suzette stayed with Dad while I was gone.When I got back Dad's two sister's were there and some friends from the home he was in saying good bye.Poor Dad was in tears for now he could not speak at all he so much wanted to saying something it was heartbreaking to see.Suzette then told me that while I was gone Dad was asking were I was and Suzette told him that I went to get the kids and I would be right back.She asked my Dad if she would do and he said no he wanted me.I just started crying.When Dad seen Mike he reached out to take his hand and tell him something but couldn't speak just tears in his eyes.When Dad seen the kids he smiled and touched them all.I think Dad knew it would be the last time he would have to be with his grandchildren and touch them.He rubbed Felicity's face and till this day she still remember's what Grandpa did.Later during the day the moved Dad back down to the fourth floor to be in his own room.SO I told the nurse to get me a bed for I would be staying there all the time.Suzette had to leave but she came back a couple days later with her daughter Amanda and they both slept at the hospital with me for a couple of nights.But they slept on the floor since there was no other place for them to lay down.I'm so glad they were there with me.There was even a nurse that worked there I can't remember he name that used to go to school with Dad in nursing school.She told me so many stories how Dad was always playing pranks on his friends and on the nurse's and the doctors.She said he was always smiling and was so fun to hang around with .This was so nice to hear for I have so many picture's of Dad fooling around in nursing school. On the Wednesday morning they left and I was so worried for there was no one there to stay with Dad during the day I hated him being there alone incase he passed away.Of course my brother and sister had better things to da than be there.That also made me mad for they were both not working but could stay and be with Dad.I remember when Suzette stayed with dad during the Day on Monday the nurses said that we could feed Dad if we wanted but I said no way for he wasn't even awake and would choke on water with the sponge so there was no way I was going to feed him,they also said that if we wanted we could meve Dad to his home but he probably wouldn't make the move so I thought it would be best for Dad to stay in the hospital.I know he wanted to pass at the home but I never wanted to put him through the move.And it would of took a few days to get everything set up there for hospice.Anyways during the last week of Dad's life here on earth they kept Dad comfortable.I remember on Wednesday Dads kidneys had shut down.That night dad was looking a stubbly again so I gave Dad one last shave,by this time Dad could not speak and was not responding anymore.So I shaved him up all nice and then put on his favorite aftershave.He looked so good.The nurses said he looked good and smelled really nice.On Thursday night Dad was starting to get so cold.I tried everything to hot blankets to warm him up but nothing would work.That is when is whole body started shutting down.On Christmas Eve morning when I left Dad at 6:30am to go home and watch the kids while Mike was at work I was so glad that Reggie a friend of ours was here for back to the hospital I went to be with Dad.I told Mike that I would leave early in the morning on Christmas Day to put the gifts under the tree and watch the kids open them and then get back to the hospital.I remember telling my family that I had a feeling that Dad was going to go to Heaven on Christmas Day.Well Christmas eve my brother and sister finally came to see Dad after not being there all week.They stayed till about 9:30pm.Then it was just me and my Dad again.I just sat with Dad and held his hand.Then at midnight I went and crawled into bed with Dad and just held him as much as I could.

Dad was so stiff already by then I couldn't really move him at all.So as I laid there with Dad I talked to him.I told him how much I loved him.I also told him that it was okay that he could go home to Heaven and be with our baby brother Jason.At 4:30 the nurses came in and gave Dad some more meds at this time I was sitting in the chair with my head on the bed holding Dad's hand.I asked them if Dad was okay and they said yes.So I sat there and just held Dads hand and I dosed off with Dad.Then when they came back to check on him at 5:30 I knew Dad was gone.Dad had went to be with the Angels in Heaven.I would not of know about Dad's last breath for with that Oxygen on you can't tell for that is so loud.At this time I was not holding Dad's hand.I think Dad wanted me to sleep by him for he never wanted me to see him take his last breath.I was a wreck.I called Mike and told him I wouldn't be home for awhile and for him to get those gifts under the tree.I called my cousin Suzette and tried calling my brother and sister but no answer.I finally got a hold of them around 8 and told them Dad was gone and for them to come to the hospital to see Dad before they took him.By this time I was beside myself in tears so I went outside while the nurses changed Dad and fixed him up for his eyes were open and I tried to close them but couldn't.They dressed Dad and closed his eyes and by this time my Brother and Sister showed up to see Dad.Christmas was a nightmare for me for I never got home till 11;30 or so and my kids were sitting there waiting to open there gifts cause I asked Mike to wait until I got there.They open there gifts then my Brother ,and my Sister went to Dad's home to clean out his room that afternoon.That was so hard to do.But Dad wanted all his clothes left at the home for other people.I just took some for myself.That was so hard to do.Then we had to make funeral arrangements so we went down to the funeral home.We picked out the cremation casket for Dad wanted to be cremated so I told Belinda and Brent that I wanted Dad to be in his favorite suite.He looked so at peace.That was my favorite suite on Dad.When ever he went to a dance or some special event he would wear that suite.We had a viewing of the body on Boxing Day then again on the 27th for family who wanted to say good=bye to Dad.Let me tell you having to leave my Dad there was so hard if I could I would of stayed the last night with Dad just to be by his side.I left picture's of me and the kids in there for Dad along with a white teddy bear and some angels.I also pulled out a little of my hair so Dad would always have a peice of me with him.SO my Christmas wasnt' the best.We had Dad's funeral on Jan 11th which I will tell you all about then.I miss you so much Dad with all my heart and soul.Merry Christmas in Heaven Dad.I can't believe that a year has gone by already it seems like a lifetime.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, December 17, 2005 0:53 AM CST

It's hard to believe that one day Dad looked like he was getting better just tierd and then the next day he looks like he got hit by a truck.How overnight he got so sick that he needed oxygen to help him breathe all from eating a meal after they made him not eat in almost a week.
I remember when I first shaved Dad that the razor's he had with him woren't good enough that he had to have the gelette triple blade or else nothing.He was so funny and cute.So of course I went and got him one.Dad was going crazy in the hospital for he was missing his favorite soap The Young and the Restless.Sunday he finally got a TV put in his room.I remember on Monday they were taking him for test and he said as long as he was back by 4:30 so he could watach his soap.He never missed that show and if he was away from home he would tape it.LOL
I remeber those days so clearly like I was doing it all over again.Sunday during the day while I was there it was so funny for Dad wanted the nurses to put on catheter so he would have to wet in the diaper they had on him for he was so raw.Well they were like taking torever so he told the nurse to bring him one and he would do it himself since he has done so many in the past.Well they did and when he got it he was showing me what they looked like.He was not shy at all my Dad.And of course I didn't mind for I was always helping the nurses change him anyways.He was my Dad and I would do anything for him.

When
Dad was playing that game with Jason with the water with Jason I sat there and it just broke my heart.Dad was being so strong even though I know he was scared for this would be the last time he would ever beable to play with His Grandchildren.

When I took this picture Dad grabbed Jason for he wanted me to take a picture.That Sunday night Dad was so restless that they had to move dad into a room were there were nurses all the time for he was always trying to get out of bed.And he was always pulling off his Oxygen mask.

He sure hated it in the hospital.He just wanted to go home.They told me that if he kept tryihng to get out of bed that they were going to tie him down I said no way.The only thing I never liked him being in that room was that he shared it with 4 other people so I really couldn't stay the night then.And the other thing was that you still had to gown and glove up which I thought was dumb for the other's in the room with him never had too.That Monday they started Dad on his new meds.Dad's lungs were really full on Wednesday that they had to sucktion all that crap out ot him and boy did he hate that.It made me mad to for they were so rough that he was gagging.It was starting to get so hard to understand him for his speach was getting worse but I could still understand him when no one else could.My Aunts would ask me what he was saying.Then I found out that Dad made it my responcibility for his health and when I found that out I just lost it.He wanted everything stopped if things weren't working for him.Well I was so devastated and a little mad.If his heart stopped he never wanted to be given his life back.That was so hard for me.For here is my Dad how I love and would do anything for and he leave's life in my hands.That is the way I seen it anyways.So On Friday Night Dec 19th that is when my world came crashing down on me.I will update rest of my Dad's last week here on earth on Wednesday.I have it all typed out and will add it in the afternoon.Thanks for all your love and support.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, December 12, 2005 1:05 AM CST

I sit here thinking of Dad.Last year around this time I was spending the weekend in the hospital with Dad.That whole week when they moved Dad to the fifth floor that is when things went bad for Dad.The first day Dad was there he fell out of bed and couldn't get up.He couldn't reach his call button either so he called out for help.It took the nurses about 5 minutes befere they came and helped him.I was so mad when he told me this when I got there in the evening.He was right by the nurses station too.I sat with Dad for a bit and talked gave him the yogurt I brought him and left the rest at the desk since nothing could go into his room for if it did it can't come out because of the C-diff he had.That I still dont' understand for here we were always having to wear gowns and gloves for they said it was contagious but what about our clothes and face.Oh well so the next day Belinda brought Dad some Ukraininan food which Dad loves and he just gobbled it down for he was finally allowed to eat.I remeber him call me later that night after I left to let me know that he was gaining some weight.He was so happy and so was I.So we chatted on the phone while he finished his last yogurt.Those only lasted two days.Well the Wednesday evening when I got there I went to Dad's room and there was my poor Dad looking aweful and on oxygen through the nose but by friday his was on the mask.I lost it I was crying so hard I had to ge to the nurses station.That is when I found out that Dad had Asperation pneumonia which was Bronchopneumonia resulting from the entrance of foreign material, usually food particles,into the bronchi.Along with fluid in his lungs.I felt so bad and was so heartbroken to see him that way.I was also mad at my sister and brother at that time for not being there during the day with Dad since she took a month off so she could be there during the day and my brother was off work at the time since I could not .I remember Dad telling me why Belinda took all that time off work since she was never there anyway.Man this still bugs me for my sister and brother still tell everyone they were there everyday with Dad.Which was once during the week.Anyways after Dad got the pneumonia he lost his speach too.It was so sad for he tried so hard to talk but couldn't and would start crying.I was the only one who could understand him.So when it was friday I packed my bag and stayed with Dad in the Hospital all weekend.My cousin Suezette who I met then also came down and stayed a night with me.I remember that first night with Dad he knew I was there for he was always asking for me to get him a drink which I had to do with a sponge.And help change him since everytime he had a bowel movement it cause him to much pain for he was so raw down there so I was always getting a nurse to help me.Then I remember when Dad yelled at me .Well I had to laugh for he sounded just like he did when I was younger tell me to Get To Bed! Dad was starting to see things that werent there.One that Saturday morning I was sitting with Suzette and Dad starting crying saying his hands were dirty.I tried to tell him they were fine but he was not listening so I got a cloth and wiped his hands and asked him if he was okay and he was.Those were sad times for he was seeing spiders on the wall and the ceiling.That night Dad wanted me to shave him cause no one else would they were too scared to. so I did and I told him to hit me if I hurt him.Well he hit me while I was shaving him so I asked him if I hurt him he said no so I said why did you hit me then he said he was just making sure I would stop.Well there was my Dad so sick and still making jokes.Jason my oldest was also there with me along with my friend Tammy.That night my Dad gave Jason a necklace he bought when he was in Mexico for him to remember him.It was so sad we were all in tears.Dad told jason that he was special for he cut his cord when he was a baby.Dad was such a proud grandfather and even prouder for cutting Jason's cord.Dad was even having fun with Jason that night for when Jason would give him water Dad would say woof to try and scare him.It was so funny.I love him so much.And miss him so much.Well that is all for now for this is a long enough entry.I will tell you all about rest of his week on Friday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 6, 2005 1:05 AM CST

WORLD WIDE CANDLE LIGHTING 2005-DEC-11

December 11, 2005 has been declared World Wide Candle Lighting Day 2005. It is being observed in memory of all children whom are now in heaven. In every time zone around the world, people are encouraged to light memorial candles at 7:00 p.m.
As candles burn down in one time zone, it becomes 7:00 p.m. in the next, creating a virtual 24 hour memorial. Echoing the memorial tradition of many faiths, this simple ecumenical acto fo burning a memorial candle in conjunction with others around the world is an opportunity to participate in a global act of peace and healing. Bereaved Families of Ontario encourages everyone to observe this act "in remembrance of all children whom are now in heaven

Thought I would share this with you all.It's about PEACE,FAITH,LOVE & HOPE
FOUR CANDLES

NEW PICTURE'S IN THE ALBUM

Please stop by BROOKE'ssite.She became a Beautiful Angel Dec.8th.I know her parents and family could use your prayer's.

I'm starting to get scared.My Uncle Marty is not doing good at all.He is losing weight and getting weak.Man I hate Cancer.I pray that he can hold on.I'm so scared that he might not make it till Christmas.My Auntie is not sure either if he will.Please Dad let Uncle Marty be here for the New Year I can't bear to lose another family Member over the Holidays.That will just tear me in two.

I can't believe that in two and a half weeks Dad will have been an Angel for a whole year.It seems like a life time already.Oh how last year I never thought I was going to lose my Dad.I prayed so hard that he was going to get well and that his meds would start working and he would gain weight.Around this time last year I was told that Dad only had two months to live if that.Of course I think I was the only one who never believed it.I had such hope for Dad.I can remember sitting here during the day just waiting for Mike to get home so I could go and see how Dad was doing.On Dec 3rd I went and visited with Dad and as soon as I walked into the room I just started crying.Dad was like what is wrong and I told him that the Doctor's only think you have 2 months if that to live.He already knew this but he was doing so good I thought.How can they just guess at something like that.Dad was on the 4th floor still and was fine.I remember that we went into the TV room and we watched Who wants to be a Millionare.It was always fun watching that with Dad for he would always get a kick at how they would reach 50,000 and keep going.Dad would always say are you crazy stop now.That night we watched it was a good one two this guy seemed to guess at most of them and got them right.Then he was going for 500,000 question he took a guess and got it wrong.Well you should of heard my Dad it was hilarious.Dad was saying What a dumbass you should of took the money and so on.
Then while sittin in the TV room a nurse comes in and says that Dad is not supposed to be out of his room and that we were supposed to be in gloves and a gown for they found out that he had C-diff which is a bug in the bowels.Which he got from being in the Hospital.They were also fasting him to run test.This made me mad for my Dad was so hungry and couldn't eat.They put him in there to gain weight and then he can't eat for like 3 days.Well Dad and I were so mad for no one told us this.The nurse even came in and gave Dad in meds in his room before we went to the TV room and never even mentioned it.So my poor Dad was stuck in his room not allowed to leave.I thought that was so dumb for he was sharing a room.The next day when I went there they had a sign on the door and and a cart with gowns and gloves.Man I hated those gloves.It was two days later when he went up to the 5th floor into his own room and that is when things started going down hill.It just makes me so sad so now that I'm in tears I will let you know about it later.

Well we have lots of snow now.And it's so cold and windy outside.I just want to stay in my house.It sure doesn't bug the kids though.I have some Christmas picture of Dad which I will be adding to my page and the album tomorrow.I also got our Walmart picture's back too.They turned out so nice.But the main package picture Felicity looks like she drugged with her eyes.I don't know what she was doing and when I seen the proofs I never noticed it.So I'm sort of upset over that it's still a nice picture but I have 4 other posses which turned out nice.I will get those up tomorrow also along with the other pictures.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, November 24, 2005 10:47 AM CST

I'm so sorry that I haven't signed any of your guestbooks in awhile.I have been so busy around here.I promise you will see me in your guestbooks this week hopefully.My mouse is giving me problems time for a new one for when I click it it doesn't do anything.I must of wore it out from signing all the guestbooks.LOL
It works if I click it 2 to 3 times though.I will have to ask Santa for a new one.Should have my Christmas page up by the weekend hopefully.

Wow,
You will never beleive what happened here last night.It was Sunday night and just before midnight.I started putting up my tree.Just doing the branches when I heard a vehicle then and big bang.I ran to my living room window to see what the heck happened.Well there sitting in my driveway was a truck.The guy was obviously drunk for by the time I got down the stairs the person in the truck took off.I went to see if he hit my van but he never did.But what he did do was crash into my neighbors van he took out part of my fence and took out our fire hydrant.He came so close to my Van.What a mess.I woke up my neighbors and told them what happened.Called the police and while waiting for the police the jerk in the truck drove by again just a speeding.He was going so fast that I never had a change to get the lisence plate number.So waited for the cops and I had to tell them everything that happened.Then write a statement.That was the end of putting up my tree for that night.For it was 2 am before the police finally left.
Today which is Tuesday I finally got it all decorated.There is 1500 lights on my tree.I love lights.I don't even have room for all my ornaments on it. Then I hear on the news that a 90 year old lady was put into a boiling hot tub at a nursing home here in the city.The nurse never even checked the water before she put her in the tub.I was so choked I just started crying.I know my Dad is probably so hurt over that.He took such great care of his patients.The poor lady died.

I finally got the kids school picture's back.Felicity's picture turned out so cute.Tristan looks so scared in his.I tried to get him to smile but no way would he.Maybe next year.Jason's turned out better this time.I know that there Grandpa is so proud of his grandkids.They are growing so fast.

Almost a year has gone by and I think that this is going to be the hardest month of my life.This time last year Dad was in the hospital getting so many test done.They had to change his feeding tube which is supposed to be changed every six months and it wasn't changed in over a year.I was so mad.No wonder my Dad was having stomach pain.It was a little infected.He was starting to gain weight little by little and would always call me and let me know how much he gained.He was so cute.It's so hard to believe that a year has almost past since I last seen my Loving Dad who I miss so much.Decemeber was when everything started going all wrong for my Dad.

I hope you all have a good weekend.And know that I 'm thinking of you all even though it's been like forever since I visited your pages.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, November 24, 2005 10:47 AM CST

Please stop by Brooke's page.She is in the hospital with high fever's.Her Mom is so worried that it might be a relaspe.

This week has been so busy.I went and got my tree the other day.Man those are lots of money.Wasn't to bad though.It was $150.00,but came with 700 hundred lights already on it.I'm thinking of putting it up this weekend.Hopefully I will feel up to it.It takes forever 2 hours just to do the branches then to decorate it add another 2 hours.LOL

The weather is so nice this year.It's like summer outside.This time last year we had lots of snow.And it was so cold outside.So Dad let it snow already?Dad loved winter.He would always paint the window's at the group home.When he worked at the nursing home he would paint those window's also.The staff and patients always loved it every year.Dad was so good at doing it.When he was in the hospital last year he wanted to paint the window's there for them.I know if he had all the paint and what he needed he would of.He injoyed doing that.Last year he was so worried at the group home that the tree wouldn't get up for Christmas for he was the only one that would put it up.So one day I had to stop at the home and get him some razor's from his room and the tree was up.When I got to the hospital and told him he was to happy.Dad loved putting up the Christmas tree,he loved all the lights.He just loved Christmas.He used to live right by Candy Cane lane so he would go every year.That is where every house on the two to three blocks are all done up so nice.It is so pretty to see.

I went to my sister's the other day and I had to drive by where Dad used to live.It sure has changed.I could tell just by driving by.They used to always have the blinds open but every time I go by there they are closed.We all know who would open them.Dad loved the sunlight.I sure miss him.Well that is all for now till later.

Have a Wonderful Thanksgiving for all my friends in the states.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, November 17, 2005 12:48 AM CST

I will be updating my page tonight sometime.Thanks for checking on me.

Please stop by Brooke's page.She is in the hospital with high fever's.Her Mom is so worried that it might be a relaspe.

God gained another angel.SweetBRYCE
lost his battle and earned his Angel Wings.Please stop by his page and send your love.

November 19th,2004 was when Dad went into the hospital.What a weekend that was.Dad went into the Hospital around 2pm.He was going in to gain weight and that is when his life came to a sudden end.They told him to go through emergency and that they would get him in.This was a Friday ,Well my poor Dad he sat in that emergency room until Sunday night when they finally got him a room of his own.He was tierd and hungry.That Monday they ran test so of course he can't eat anything.That made me mad for he goes in to gain weight but they won't let him eat anything.When he was able to eat I brought him a big goodie bad of food.Well the next day I had to bring him more for he ate it all.You all know how good hospital food is.LOL.My Auntie Susie would come and see Dad and always bring him baked goodies.I remember when she first brought him some.She made little rolls with cinamon I can't remember the name and he ate the whole bag.My Dad was always a good eater when he was hungry and even when he wasn't that hungry he could still put it away.The first week while he was in the hospital all they did was run test after test.I would go be with him everynight after Mike would get home from work for I hated the fact that Dad was always in there by himself.It's a long story but I will fill you in next week when I tell you about Dad's second week there.

I'm doing not to bad.Keeping busy running here and there with the kids.I got Felicity's preschool picture's back but waiting to post them till I get the boys pic's back which I hope will be soon.Taking the kids for picture's this afternoon of all of them together.I might get mine taken with them not sure yet because I hate getting my picture taken.But I have to run for now got to get going.Have to pick up the boys from school then go get Felicity from preschool.I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

Love Always

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, November 11, 2005 0:42 AM CST

PLEASE KEEP
BRYCE
IN YOUR PRAYER'S.THINGS ARE NOT LOOKIG GOOD FOR HIM RIGHT NOW.

Sweet
CHRISTOPHER
EARNED HIS ANGEL WINGS.

Happy Rememberance Day!

Thank you everyone for all your love and support.I'm doing not too bad.It has been such a busy week.Last weekend was long with a long night on Saturday.Felicity was sick.She was throwing up all night.The poor little thing must of gotten sick about 30 times.I felt so bad for her.We just cuddled all night and when she knew she was going to get sick I would grab the pail for her.She wasn't too bad on Sunday she just had a lazy day.I put Tristan in a different Beaver group which his little friend Carson is in from school,he seems to like that one much better so far,but we will see.They do alot more with the kids that is for sure.So he will get invested in this group next week or the week after.I will post picture's for now he has a different color scarf.I think next year I will move Jason to that scouting group for they are planning a trip to Quebec in 2007.So my week was pretty busy.Then Wednesday at about 1am it was Tristan's turn to be sick.Poor little man was puking all night so I never got much sleep.I never sent him to school on Thrusday.I was going to for the last time he got sick was at 5:30 am but he was up all night so I let him sleep.Well he was bouncing all day long.Nothing really slows down that boy of mine.So Jasonwill probably be sick this weekend sometime.Jason went to his Dad's for the long weekend he was pretty excited about that because they moved back here so now he wants to go there every weekend which I don't mind he needs that time with his Dad.But does he ever have an attitude when he gets back home from there.LOL

It snowed here the other day but it melted already.Soon we will be getting the snow that stays for such a long time.We had snow till April last year so hopefully it won't stay that long this time.

I know that Dad is proud of me and I'm going to try and stay strong these next two months.It just hard to some days cause I miss him so much.
I know if I have a hard time I can come here and let you all know what I'm feeling for your all so understanding.I don't need counciling I'm doing fine I just have my days and moments.Especially around this time of year it will be hard.I wish I had time to scan picture's of my Uncle's in there uniforms for Rememberance Day.

Well I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will talk to you really soon.

November 4th, 2005

I don't know what it is but for some reason I'm finding it hard to come to my Dad's site.I see the picture of him and me and I just start crying.Maybe it's the picture or the background cause Dad always loved flower's,or maybe it's the month.I have never had this problem before.I don't like November and I hate December now.Just for the fact that in these two months I can see my Dad in the Hospital how he was improving with his weight then bang he's down again.I can see it all so clearly day by day and the days leading up to when he went into the Hospital.I went to Dad's place so many times last year.I'm in tear's writing this I don't know what is wrong with me.I'm missing Dad so much and I know the tears are going to be heavy these next two months.Then I sit here and feel like maybe I shouldn't be feeling this way for there are so many parents who have lost a child and I know it's way worse than losing a parent.I just have so many emotions running through my head right now I don't know how I feel or think.I'm lost and confused.I'm hurting cause I can't see my Dad again can't tell him how much he means to me and how much I Love him.I want to be sitting by his bed looking after him like I did for those last 6 weeks of his life.Just to be with him again.I want to hear his voice I want to just hold his hand and stare into his face.To hear him say I love you.These are things that I so long for and will never have again.These are going to be the longest and hardest two months of my life.

Today when I took Tristan for his two needles one in each arm,which by they way he was such a trooper he never even cried,the tears where there I could see them but he never did. I told him that next month was Christmas.He says to me are you going to take forever to get home Mommy! Well it broke my heart for last year my kids were all excited for Christmas but I never wanted them to open there gifts till I got home.With Dad passing in the early morning I never got home till around 11am.And they were up at 7:30am. So I told Tristan and Felicity that I will be home and not in the Hospital because Grandpa is now in Heaven.Tristan said no there are two heavens the other is the Hospital where Grandpa still is so we can go see him.This again broke my heart.I know my kids miss there Grandpa so much.They tell me they do almost everyday and yet there is a little part inside them that thinks that Grandpa is still in the Hospital where we can go and see him.How I wish that was true.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, November 4, 2005 0:26 AM CST

1-Star-Heaven

Today I walk a new road
With a pathway long and wide
Surrounded by a multitude
Of Angels by my side
Today I took my last breath
Before I entered here
This place that you call HEAVEN
Is actualy very near
Up beyond the clouds
High beyond the blue
I can see your tears
As I am watching you
Please do not lose HOPE
It's really not Good-bye
God will help you cope
As I walk by His side
Look up in the sky tonight
And find the brightest star
I am smiling down on you
Whispering from afar
I miss you too
And although your sad
Understand my departure
Was obeying God's plan
I'm honored that He chose ME
I proudly wear my wings
Now I can be your guide
And shadow in the wind
When ever you are lonely
Call right away
Dial 1-Star-Heaven, without delay
And know that I'm listening
With hugs on their way
I must go now
To the valley by the stream
My garden needs attending
Beneath the rainbow beams
And when I walked past your mansion
That I know belongs to you
I'll smile ....knowing one day
You'll be here too.
<

MADDIEBECAME AN ANGEL.PLEASE KEEP HER FAMILY IN YOUR THOUGHTS AND IN YOUR PRAYER'S.

Please stop by
Jacob'spage.Jacob really Needs all your prayer's.He is back in the PICU.

Brooke's page and send your love and prayer's.

I don't know what it is but for some reason I'm finding it hard to come to my Dad's site.I see the picture of him and me and I just start crying.Maybe it's the picture or the background cause Dad always loved flower's,or maybe it's the month.I have never had this problem before.I don't like November and I hate December now.Just for the fact that in these two months I can see my Dad in the Hospital how he was improving with his weight then bang he's down again.I can see it all so clearly day by day and the days leading up to when he went into the Hospital.I went to Dad's place so many times last year.I'm in tear's writing this I don't know what is wrong with me.I'm missing Dad so much and I know the tears are going to be heavy these next two months.Then I sit here and feel like maybe I shouldn't be feeling this way for there are so many parents who have lost a child and I know it's way worse than losing a parent.I just have so many emotions running through my head right now I don't know how I feel or think.I'm lost and confused.I'm hurting cause I can't see my Dad again can't tell him how much he means to me and how much I Love him.I want to be sitting by his bed looking after him like I did for those last 6 weeks of his life.Just to be with him again.I want to hear his voice I want to just hold his hand and stare into his face.To hear him say I love you.These are things that I so long for and will never have again.These are going to be the longest and hardest two months of my life.

Today when I took Tristan for his two needles one in each arm,which by they way he was such a trooper he never even cried,the tears where there I could see them but he never did. I told him that next month was Christmas.He says to me are you going to take forever to get home Mommy! Well it broke my heart for last year my kids were all excited for Christmas but I never wanted them to open there gifts till I got home.With Dad passing in the early morning I never got home till around 11am.And they were up at 7:30am. So I told Tristan and Felicity that I will be home and not in the Hospital because Grandpa is now in Heaven.Tristan said no there are two heavens the other is the Hospital where Grandpa still is so we can go see him.This again broke my heart.I know my kids miss there Grandpa so much.They tell me they do almost everyday and yet there is a little part inside them that thinks that Grandpa is still in the Hospital where we can go and see him.How I wish that was true.

Daddyso much!

Love Always
BRENDA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 2, 2005 0:13 AM CST

Halloween Picture's Of The Kids In The Album.

Sorry it took me so long to update.I was trying to get some of my site's done for my caringbridge families.

Last year I remember calling Dad after the kids were done trick or treating and told him that they got lost of candy.He said that I should of brought them to his house for only 2 kids came to the door.Then he said that he would of gave them all of it.LOL I laughed at they way he said it.Dad loved seeing all the kids in there costume's so he was disapointed when only 2 showed up at his door.But it was cold last year.This year I had a total of 3 kids come to my door.In a city of over 80,000 I got 3 kids.LOL More candy for me.lol The kids now a days go to the malls.
Felicity and Tristan enjoyed Halloween this year with wanting to be carried mostly Fissy.Tristan was full steam ahead.He must of fell about 20 times running for the next house it was so cute.Even our cat Max came with us.That cat is like a dog.He followed us everywhere we went and we went far.Sometime's I think that cat is my Dad in his new life.He is so full of love and cuddles.I pick him up and he always wraps his paws around my neck and never brings out his claws at all.Not even at the kids.And then he would rub his face hard into my chin so I would give him some love.Felicity got the most candy! Everyone that saw her said how cute and loaded her bag.

Last week it was Tristan's and Jason's Halloween Party for Beaver's and for Scouts.Felicity got to go too.Well was she ever lucky that day.She won best dressed,she won a jar of jelly beans for guessing the closest and she won a scare~crow hanger thing to hang on the wall that she had to name which she named Princess Fissy.Then Jason also won best dressed for his costume twice once by the then by the adults.Then Tristan was mad cause he never won anything.I told him that he did thought because it was my guess that won the jelly beans which I made for both the kids but they just picked Felicity's name.He felt a little better after that.Then of course the little ones had to try on Jason's wig.Felicityshe loved having the long hair without all those curls of hers.And then Tristan well he just likes to be silly.
Kids you gotta love them.

It was such a busy week and weekend.This week is no better.Tristan has 2 Birthday parties to go to on the weekend.One at Chucky~cheese which I never even knew we had and the other one is bowling so I hope he will have fun.Well today Tristan was supposed to go to Beaver's but he doesn't want to go anymore he says it's no fun so I'm hoping that they will give me my 165.00 dollars back.And he was such a cute little Beaver too.Oh well what can I do.He also goes for his last needle on Thursday.

I'm missing my Dad so much.I was laying in bed and just started bawling tonight.I miss his voice his soft touch his laugh just everything.Then I think about how it all started and it just makes me mad.Should I have done things differently.I just don't know anymore.Nov.19th was when it all started,so I will be dreading that day coming and the rest to follow.I will post more about those final days when it gets closer or on the days I will do the day by day thing.I don't know how I will do it.I will just relive his life then.I don't even need to read my journal history it's so fresh in my mind like it was yesterday.

It Means The World To Me.I Don't Think I Would Of Got Through This Year Without You All.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, October 30, 2005 3:59 AM CDT

BRANTBECAME AN ANGEL.Please stop by his page and send your love and prayers.

This was one of Dad's favorite time of year.He loved seeing all the kids in there costumes.I will update tonight with picture's and tell you about Dad and last Halloween.I have no time right now have to get the kids from school and then get ready for Trick or Treating.

NEW PRAYER REQUEST'S ADDED!

ALONG WITH FRIENDS AND ANGELS.

I finally got my page together for the Prayer Request.I also have other things there as well like my CB friends and Angels.Will be adding Video links of the kids and some of Dad that I have.

The Pumpkin Patch

The pumpkin patch glows so bright
With rows of orange and yellow
Right in the middle a watching scarecrow
A straw stuffed happy fellow!

Breezy days and mellow nights
Halloween is drawing near
The pumpkins soon will come alive
With a grin or a frightful leer!

October's the month
When the smallest breeze
Gives us a shower
Of autumn leaves.
Bonfires and pumpkins,
Leaves sailing down -
October is red
And golden and brown.

The milkweed pods are breaking,
And the bits of silken down
Float off upon the autumn breeze
Across the meadows brown.

Listen! the wind is rising,
and the air is wild with leaves,
We have had our summer evenings,
now for October eves!

Love~Always~Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, October 24, 2005 10:35 PM CDT

NEW PICTURE'S OF WEST EDMONTON MALL,TRISTAN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND OF HIM IN BEAVER'S IN THE ALBUM.CHECK THEM OUT

Hi Everyone,
Sorry it took me like forever to update.It has been around here lately.I also want to thank all of you.You have grown on me like family and that is AMAZING! You have all touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes with your comments as I have done to you with stories of my amazing father! It has been a rough year of firsts for me, with dad's passing and all of you have made the transition alot easier. There have been some that have talked to me till the wee hours of the morning .Then there are those that bring a smile to face and my heart. Then those just make me laugh and some that my me cry. But one thing that I am happy for is this! I AM HAPPY TO CALL YOU FRIENDS! And I know with the next two months which will be harder then ever I know you will all be there for me.

I want to say Happy Birthday to my Grandma who turned 85 she is so full of spunk you would never know she was 85.That is why she turned her number's around letting everyone know that she is 58 and holding.
I love you Grandma.You mean the world to me.

Well my visit with Donnie and Robert was short but sweet.I laughed so much when they were here.It's just what I needed.Donnie and I talked about Dad alot.He misses him and still feels bad that Dad never got to eat some lobster before he passed away.When they were here we drove around alot taking them places to see.Especially Robert for it was the first time he was here.He thought West Edmonton Mall was awesome.It has a waterpark,golf,rollercoaster with other rides.It's huge lots in there to see.It now has seals instead of dolphins.There is a submarine you name it it's there.I even took him to the colisium to see the Wayne Gretzky

statue. There frist night here Robert slept in Felicity's
room so we call him Princess now.All pink room.Then while they were here Mike would always fill the car door handles with butter and get them everytime.He even got them at 6am the day they were leaving.No wonder I have no more butter in my house.But Robert got mike back at his work while outside he wipped down his sweats to his knee's while I snapped the picture.It was hilarious.We laughed the rest of the night over that picture.I would post it here but you know.Then we had Tristan's Birthday Party on Saturday(last).He had four of his friends
show up.It was a pretty good time.I got him a Madagacar Cake
He even got a remote control Hummer Truck which he loves driving outside from one of his friends.
Tristan blew out all his candles so no girlfriends yet.LOL I can't believe he is 5 already.He thought the cake was yummy.
I got him 5 balloons which we sent up to Grandpa
and Angel Conor for his Heavenly Birthday was on the 18 which he would of been 6.Good friends of ours.Then Tristan
got invested in Beaver's.He got his badges,his tail for the back of his hat and his necker and clip
. It was a good week.I'm feeling better now which is good for I have a busy week.Tristan and Jason have there Halloween party on Wednesday with Scouts and Beaver's.Saturday Tristan has a Halloween Party to go to from a friend at School.So I'm pretty busy.Jason went camping with Scouts on the weekend.He had a good time.Well this is a long update so I will leave now and get to signing my guestbooks now and doing my webpage's.Talk to you all soon.I will post picture's of the Party for Halloween on Wednesday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, October 22, 2005 5:55 PM CDT

This little cutie could use your prayer's he just found out he relasped.
Benjamin
Please send Libby some prayer's she is not doing good at all.

Well I thought I would let you all know that I'm feeling a little better I'm still drained,sore and tierd and still have my headache but oh well I'm doing the best that I can do,and I'm working on my update now.I think this is going to be a long one.I have so much to tell you all.I'm just doing up picture's for the album and for my update.But I promise I will my page will be updated today or tomorrow for sure.Thanks for checking in with me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 10:48 PM CDT

NikieBECAME AN ANGEL

I planned on adding new picture's today and an udate on how the week went but I'm just so tierd today.I think I'm getting sick.I've had a major headache for 3 days now and my whole body aches.Plus I have been running non stop lately.Hopefully I will feel a little more energetic tomorrow to give you all a proper update and sign my guestbooks too.I just don't have any energy to do it today.Sorry everyone I promise to update very soon.I will try and do it tomorrow.I have so much to tell you.

And for those Caringbridge families who are waiting for me to get your site's done.I will get them done soon I promise.I will try and have them all done for the weekend.I'm just so drained.

Thank-You

Love ALways Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, October 18, 2005 9:56 AM CDT

My company is leaving tomorrow morning.It has been so much fun and lots of laughs having them here.I wish they were not leaving.I will update tomorrow.Have to take Tristan for picture retakes right now.Talk to you all soon.Take care.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 12, 2005 8:05 PM CDT

Please keep KayceyBECAME A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL TODAY.PLEASE KEEP HER FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYER'S
Nikiealso needs prayer's for she doesn't have much time left.

Sorry for the lack in update's.I have been so busy around here.
My Uncle Marty 's Birthday was on Monday.He is doing not too bad.His son Darren came home to be with him from Korea so that is good.My Thanksgiving was a bummer I missed my Dad.It was weird not having him or Mike's Dad here this year.Mike's Dad will be here on Thursday with Robert Mike's brother for two weeks.I did alot of crying,I miss my dad so much words cannot express how much I wish he was here with me again. Robert has never been here before so I know we will be busy.They are flying from Nova Scotia.I'm also having Tristan's party on Satruday he is so excited.That is going to be another sad day for Dad was always here for the parties he was here for everything.I have been keeping myself busy.I'm crotecheing afagan's for the kids and myself.Mine is finally finished so now I'm working on Felicity's her's is half done.It looks black in the picture but it's dark purple.Jason's is green and black and Tristan's is going to be blue and black I think.I'm making them to fit a twin bed so they take me awhile to make.Plus the kids bug me so I can only do them when they are sleeping like everything else.LOL. I have been going through my guestbook for I want to sign the page 's that visit mine for I just can't seem to keep up anymore.I feel bad but that should bring it down to atleast 5oo instead of 1068.I just don't have time anymore with taking the kids here and there anymore.Jason and Tristan just love there Beaver's and Scouts and that keeps me busy during the week and some weekends.It seems I can never sit down anymore.I'm doing not too bad.Tristan is enjoying Kindergarten and he loves to read.He read us Tom the Turkey about 500 times along with is other little books he made in school to learn.He also made this cute little turkey in school.I love it.Well I should get going have to get Tristan from school soon then I have to get Jason later too for he is in running club today and won't be back till 6pm.I will post new picture's in the album after Tristan's party.I'm all excited for that.

Love Always.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday., October 12, 2005 12:12 AM CDT

Sorry it's been so long since I update Dad's page.I have been so busy around here.Plus the kids have been taking over my computer so I haven't been on as much.Sorry about not getting to all your guestbooks I will though I promise.I have lots to tell you but I'm going to bed for it's late but I will update Tomorrow with my new page sometime.

Take Care
Love Always
Brenda & the Kids.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, October 6, 2005 12:12 AM CDT

Wow,I can't belive it's Thanksgiving.This time last year I went and picked up Dad.He would always come over for Thankgiving,I remember last year I called Dad and asked him if he was going to come over for Thanksgiving dinner and he said well I was going to have it at the home.I told him who would you rather eat with the home or with me well he laughed and said with you so I went and picked him up.I never thought that it would be the last one I would have with him.Sure Dad was sick but he was so full of life.I never thought that I only had two more months of time with him.If I would of known that I would of moved him in with me to spend every last minute with him. Mike's Dad was here to so the had a good visit like they always did.

Dad always loved eating Turkeyhe had two helpings last year and it was so nice to see him eat.And they weren't little plates but huge ones.
Last year Dad had alot of problems walking so I had to make sure Mike was outside to help him out of the van and up my stairs.Thank god Mike was there for Dad almost fell going up my stairs but Mike caught him.It's hard to believe it was a year ago that Dad was here it seems like yesterday but then it feels like a life time ago also.Dad was over here quite a bit last October.I sure do miss him.Dad I will forever have you in my heart and in my memories.I love you so much Dad.Happy Heavenly Thanksgiving Day Daddy.I know you and the Angels are going to be having a great feed.

Tristan really enjoys Beaver's.Went and got his uniform he looks so cute in it.

He's going on a nature hike on Tuesday and they will be hanging up there bird feeder's they made.Tristan made this cute little Turkey in Beaver's.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and know that I will be thinking of you all.

Love Always
Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 30, 2005

Well I gave this alot of thought and I will not be taking down my Dad's site.This is my memories of him and I put how I feel on here.There will be no password either.If these people don't like it they don't need to stop by and leave nasty messages either.I'm very sensitive when I read those so just stay away.Email yourself the message don't say it in here.These Caringbridge families are my friends and if you can't except that it's your problem no one else's.I re did my Journal History they archived it for me but I added the same thing in the new space because you had to scroll to read them before in the older history part.It's all the same just the picture's are in the archive part for now .Let see here on Tuesday I put Tristan in Beaver's he loves it.Jason is in Scouts.Next year he wants to go into Kadets too so we will see I guess.Wednesday was Tristan's Birthday he took cupcakes to school to share with his friends.He thought that was awesome.I'm going to be having his Birthday Party in 2 weeks.I think I'm going to get him a Star Wars cake.I will post picture's then.He wants to invite all his class I told him he could invite about 8 for there are 21 in his class.So that will be a fun day.
Jason hurt his foot in school today so I took him to the hospital to get x-ray's and he just has a bad sprain.But is he ever trying to get crutches.He is such a silly boy.He really knows how to milk it that's for sure.What a kid.Felicity is having a blast in pre-school.She always coming home with a bunch of stuff and singing songs that she learns from there.I think I have to get another bulletin board to hang on the kids stuff on.And Felicity makes me hang it all up too.
Tristan and Felicity are both sick with colds.They sound terrible and Tristan looks like he got hit by a bus.Felicity has such a cute voice when she is sick.I sure glad that I dont get sick that often maybe once in a blue moon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 30, 2005

Well I gave this alot of thought and I will not be taking down my Dad's site.This is my memories of him and I put how I feel on here.There will be no password either.If these people don't like it they don't need to stop by and leave nasty messages either.I'm very sensitive when I read those so just stay away.Email yourself the message don't say it in here.These Caringbridge families are my friends and if you can't except that it's your problem no one else's.I re did my Journal History they archived it for me but I added the same thing in the new space because you had to scroll to read them before in the older history part.It's all the same just the picture's are in the archive part for now .Let see here on Tuesday I put Tristan in Beaver's he loves it.Jason is in Scouts.Next year he wants to go into Kadets too so we will see I guess.Wednesday was Tristan's Birthday he took cupcakes to school to share with his friends.He thought that was awesome.I'm going to be having his Birthday Party in 2 weeks.I think I'm going to get him a Star Wars cake.I will post picture's then.He wants to invite all his class I told him he could invite about 8 for there are 21 in his class.So that will be a fun day.
Jason hurt his foot in school today so I took him to the hospital to get x-ray's and he just has a bad sprain.But is he ever trying to get crutches.He is such a silly boy.He really knows how to milk it that's for sure.What a kid.Felicity is having a blast in pre-school.She always coming home with a bunch of stuff and singing songs that she learns from there.I think I have to get another bulletin board to hang on the kids stuff on.And Felicity makes me hang it all up too.
Tristan and Felicity are both sick with colds.They sound terrible and Tristan looks like he got hit by a bus.Felicity has such a cute voice when she is sick.I sure glad that I dont get sick that often maybe once in a blue moon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 12:15 AM CDT

CHRISTOPHERBECAME AN ANGEL TODAY SEPT 28,2005.PLEASE KEEP HIS FAMILY IN YOUR PRAYERS

Tuesday, September 27, 2005 11:15 PM CDT

I might have to close my site if this continue's.It hurts to much to see those coments in the guestbook.I love my Dad and always will.I don't know if I should password protect it for I know there are alot of lurker's too.I really don't know what I'm going to do.I so hurt right now.

I'm done with people and there trash talk.This is what someone wrote about you all.

The Caringbridge web site is not the place to be airing dirty laundry, for anyone. It has a purpose and this page has turned the Caringbridge web site into a 3 Ring Circus.
It is time you got some help Brenda.
It can be said that grieving has a purpose, however, you have missed that point well and beyond. Perhaps you should seek counseling and learn to dwell on your family and what it requires rather than what strangers all around the world need.
AND, that is what they are Brenda....strangers!
It cannot be said they are friends Brenda because they are not.
For your welbeing it would be desirous for you to move on.You
cannot possibly give your kids the time and attention they need when,you spend 3/4 of each day on your computer or more.
Please think about what you are doing and make the necesary changes in your life to become a happier person.

V.I.P. slf1@hotmail.com

You know what I'm done.I can't take anymore crap from people.I have my page for a reason.I don't spend 3/4 hours a day or more on my computer.I'm so choked at the messages left on my Dad's page.I never say anything mean to anyone.I'm here to support them.
I dont' air my Dirty laundry I 'm just telling my friends here how it is.THis im my page and this is where I come to talk to my Dad.I will go on my computer on my time when my kids are in bed.They always have my undivided attention.Well have to run have to take my son to Beaver's.Oh no I won't be on my computer.What a crime.LOL

I can't believe that my little boy is going to be 5 on Wednesday.I'm going to make his cupcakes to take to Kindergarten.He is all excited.Not sure when I will be having his Birthday,but I think I will have it on the 8th so we can pay our bills.Those are so much fun.Dad I wish you were here to share this special day with him like last year but I know you will be here in spirit tomorrow and for his party next month.I love you Dad.

Monday, September 26, 2005 1:45 AM CDT

NEW Picture's of the Kids and Dad in the album.
Talked to my friend and she never said anything to Mike just that I was upset.but he is such a great liar he said that I better not be saying anything on the page about him or else.So I'm going to tell you what happened here on Friday later.I will update the page sometime today.

Thanks

Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 25, 2005 2:34 PM CDT

Picture's of the Kids and Dad in the album.

Well I guess I can't write on here anymore of what is going on with me because someone is saying things to Mike about it.You know who you are Thanks alot I thought we were friends.I come here to tell my Dad how I feel and what I'm going through now I can't even do that.I'm glad I never mentioned what happened here on Friday yet.All I can say it was not good.I will update more later.Might have to password protect my site not sure yet.I will let you all know if I do.

Thanks alot.

Really Upset.

Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 22, 2005 8:19 PM CDT

PLEASE PRAY FOR MADDIE SHE IS GOING DOWNHILL FAST HER FAMILY IS WAITING FOR THE ANGELS TO BRING HER HOME AND
BRANT IN NOT DOING GOOD EITHER HE SOON WILL BE AN ANGEL.CHRISTOPHERNEEDS LOTS OF PRAYER'S HE TOO DOES NOT HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT HERE.
CHANCE'S MOM PATTY BECAME AN ANGELON THURSDAY.MY HEART IS BROKEN FOR HIM. PLEASE STOP BY HIS PAGE THEY COULD USE THE PRAYER'S NOW.

AGAIN MY HEART IS BREAKING.ALL THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN IT'S NOT FAIR.PLEASE PRAY FOR THESE 3 PRECIOUS CHILDREN.

Jason Grade 6 Age 11
Tristan Kindergarten Age 5

They are both going to get retakes next month.Tristan had the sore in his nose and on his sweet little face,and Jason hair is messy.I will post the retakes when I get them.

Dad,
I miss you so much.I really wish you were here right now.I need you so bad.I have no were to go and no one to talk to.I hate this.I just want to run away and never come back to this life.I hate it.I can't take anymore.My life is a mess. Missing you so bad Daddy.I love you always.I'm sure glad I have this memory of you singing Happy Birthday to Tristan Last year.

Things are not good here at all.I think I'm going to have a break down soon.Tristan's Dad is being a jerk and he won't give me any money for Tristan's Birthday so now I can't have a party or get him anything till the end of next month.He won't let me work but yet won't give me any money.I want out so bad and he said if I leave he will get the kids cause I don't work.He's always mean to the kids.I'm so stressed out.I don't know what to do anymore.I want him to leave and he won't.I'm just not Happy and I haven't been for 9 months.
I'm sorry everyone I'm just so choked.If my Dad was here things would be so different.

Please keep Christopher in your prayer's.

And keep Scott and Shannon for the loss of Sweet Avery.I can't imagine how hard it must be for them.My heart is still broken for there loss.I sit here at night and cry for the little princess.

And keep Queenmaddy's parents and family in your prayer's too.They lost there sweet girl Aug.31.My heart goes out to them as well.It hurts that they are now without sweet Maddy so many tears I have shed for there family as well as all the other caringbridge families.

God Bless You All

Emotionally Drained.

Love~Always~And~Will~Never~Stop~Caring

Brenda

THANKS TO GOD

I pray that this will bless you as it blessed me.

Hello God,
I called tonight
To talk a little while
I need a friend who'll listen
To my anxiety and trial.
You see, I can't quite make it
Through a day just on my own...
I need your love to guide me,
So I'll never feel alone.
I want to ask you please to keep
My family safe and sound.
Come and fill their lives with confidence
For whatever fate they're bound.
Give me faith, dear God, to face
Each hour throughout the day,
And not to worry over things
I can't change in any way.
I thank you God for being home
And listening to my call,
For giving me such good advice
When I stumble and fall.
Your number, God, is the only one
That answers every time.
I never get a busy signal,
Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening
To my troubles and my sorrow.
Good night, God, I love You too,
And I'll call again tomorrow!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 17, 2005 0:08 AM CDT

Had to make Dad's page with picture's of Tristan for Dad on Tristan's Birthday,which is September28th.My baby is going to be 5.I love hearing Dad singing Happy BIrthday.

Dad Tristan Misses you so much,like we all do.I'm so glad I have you singing Happy Birthday to him.

I can't believe my page is at 99930 hits already.Please let me know if your the 100 000 person to sign my page.I want to say thank you to Scott and Shannon for the lovely email you sent me today.I'm glad you made it back safe.And I hope your trip was comforting with your precious Angel Avery by your side every step of the way.I love you guys and Angel Avery so much.

To Denise and her friend"I know it is none of my business" I have not surrounded myself around death and illness and I will not think about sort of "stepping back"?I love all my Caringbridge families and I'm here to support them and comfort them.That doesn't mean I'm unhappy.If you think my site is so sad it's because I put my feeling down how I feel and when someone that I have followed there childs journey and if one of those children passes of course I'm going to be sad.It hurts me too when these lovely families children are fighting for there life and don't make it.I love them all very much.

I just spent the last two hours in my room looking for picture's of Dad with Tristan.I can't beleive Tristan is going to be 5 years old on Sept.28.My Dad was here last year for his Birthday like he is for them all and I have a video of everyone singing Happy Birthday to Tristan and my Dad you can hear him loud and clear.I'm going to put that up on here soon.I found so many picture's of Dad.Man I look at those picture's and I'm so glad that I'm a picture freak lol.I was looking for picture's of my Dad and Felicity when she was a baby and can't find any.I know I have some I just haven't found my other albums yet.I was also trying to find the picture of me and My Dad on the Deck last year and I still can't find it.I cry everytime I try and look at all the cd's of picture's I have for I know I never got rid of them.They were so nice I was sitting on his lap I think.I want to find them so bad.And it's really weird because all the picture's I have taken with my camera I have double's of each one on cd's sometime's 3 times.So it's a little depressing.This coming week is so hard I miss my Dad so much.And with Tristan's Birthday around the corner doesn't make it any easier.And the next 3 months are going to be even harder.

Well I want to tell you what an amazing son I have.Jason who is 11 ran in school today for Terry Fox the whole school did and he told me that when he grows up he wants to run accross Cananda to raise money for Cancer and for HIV.He is determined to do this.I'm so proud of him.

On Monday Tristan took the bus for the first time to school and I thought oh no he is going to freak out on the bus because before he was supposed to catch it he was crying for he never wanted to go to school,he even tried telling me he was sick LOL.
Well the little bugger he loves school now.He takes the bus and love's it.Here on Thursday they get half a day so he doesn't go on Thursday and he is mad because now he wants to go the little stinker.He will be going in November and December in the Morning's on Thursday's so he can't wait.Who would of thought from the first Day in tears freakin out to now can't waiting to get there.I knew he just needed time.

Felicity is another little funny one.She packs a lunch everyday for preschool.Even though she doesn't need one.She got a Bratz lunch bag so she has food stashed in it in her room the little stinker.

Love Always and will never stop Caring,

Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 17, 2005 0:08 AM CDT

I can't believe my page will is at 99930 hits already.Please let me know if your the 100 000 person to sign my page.I want to say thank you to Scott and Shannon for the lovely email you sent me today.I'm glad you made it back safe.And I hope your trip was comforting with your precious Angel Avery by your side every step of the way.I love you guys and Angel Avery so much.

To Denise and her friend I have not surrounded myself around death and illness and I will not think about sort of "stepping back"?I love all my Caringbridge families and I'm here to support them and comfort them.That doesn't mean I'm unhappy.If you think my site is so sad it's because I put my feeling down how I feel and when someone that I have followed there childs journey and if one of those children passes of course I'm going to be sad.It hurts me too when these lovely families children are fighting for there life and don't make it.I love them all very much.Please do not knock Jordy down she is a loving 6 year old with a huge heart who I miss signing my guest book because people where mean and they took there site down.I Love You Jordy.

I just spent the last two hours in my room looking for picture's of Dad with Tristan.I can't beleive Tristan is going to be 5 years old on Sept.28.My Dad was here last year for his Birthday like he is for them all and I have a video of everyone singing Happy Birthday to Tristan and my Dad you can hear him loud and clear.I'm going to put that up on here soon.I found so many picture's of Dad.Man I look at those picture's and I'm so glad that I'm a picture freak lol.I was looking for picture's of my Dad and Felicity when she was a baby and can't find any.I know I have some I just haven't found my other albums yet.I was also trying to find the picture of me and My Dad on the Deck last year and I still can't find it.I cry everytime I try and look at all the cd's of picture's I have for I know I never got rid of them.They were so nice I was sitting on his lap I think.I want to find them so bad.And it's really weird because all the picture's I have taken with my camera I have double's of each one on cd's sometime's 3 times.So it's a little depressing.This coming week is so hard I miss my Dad so much.And with Tristan's Birthday around the corner doesn't make it any easier.And the next 3 months are going to be even harder.

Well I want to tell you what an amazing son I have.Jason who is 11 ran in school today for Terry Fox the whole school did and he told me that when he grows up he wants to run accross Cananda to raise money for Cancer and for HIV.He is determined to do this.I'm so proud of him.

On Monday Tristan took the bus for the first time to school and I thought oh no he is going to freak out on the bus because before he was supposed to catch it he was crying for he never wanted to go to school,he even tried telling me he was sick LOL.
Well the little bugger he loves school now.He takes the bus and love's it.Here on Thursday they get half a day so he doesn't go on Thursday and he is mad because now he wants to go the little stinker.He will be going in November and December in the Morning's on Thursday's so he can't wait.Who would of thought from the first Day in tears freakin out to now can't waiting to get there.I knew he just needed time.

Felicity is another little funny one.She packs a lunch everyday for preschool.Even though she doesn't need one.She got a Bratz lunch bag so she has food stashed in it in her room the little stinker.

I will be scanning the new picture's soon for the new background for Tristan's Birthday.

Love Always and will never stop Caring,

Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 16, 2005 7:09 PM CDT

Have lots to add here.Will update a little later tonight.Have to get these monkies settled dowm first.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 11, 2005 7:31 PM CDT

WILL ADD PAGE BACK SOON.DOWN FOR THESE FAMILIES FOR NOW.

AVERY
PLEASE KEEP SHANNON AND SCOTT IN YOUR PRAYER'S FOR THE LOSS OF THERE PRECIOUS AVERY.

KEEP LITTLE CHRISTOPHER IN YOUR PRAYER'SCHRISTOPHER.HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.

PLEASE PRAY FOR THESE LITTLE ONES.AND KEEP THERE FAMILIES IN YOUR PRAYER'S.

Sweet AVERY is now a beautiful Angel.In Memory of Avery Monday will be her color's to wear.Pink and Yellow so on Monday everyone wear pink or yellow in memory of precious Avery.

My heart is broken.I feel for Shannon and Scott and there famlies.Just look at Avery's smile,It melts my heart.Avery will always be in my heart and on my mind like all the other angels.Avery was such a beautiful baby girl.She will be deeply missed.I know that my Dad is watching over her for her family till we all meet again in Heaven.Just remember when it rains that's Heaven's tears.All the angels are missing there loved one's too.
Keep Shannon and Scott and there Family member's in your prayer's'

Friday, September 16, 2005

My page will be going back up today sometime.And this is for Denise I will not step back.I care for all these caringbridge families.I'm not surrounding myself around death.

Today Monday September 12,2005 is Avery's color's Day.So I had to do my background in her color's in memory of precious Avery.So don't forget to wear pink or yellow today.

Hope everyone had a good weekend.Mine wasn't bad.I keep thinking about Shannon and Scott and what they are going through.Now having to plan a service for there precious Avery.I miss that little one so much.But I know she is now in no more pain.It still doesn't make it any easier though.Christopher is another sweetheart who does not have much time left here.My heart is breaking for his family.Please keep this little fighter in your prayer's.

Well Tristan went to school again on Friday and he totally lost it.I mean he freaked right out.He just doesn't want to go.I've talked to him about it this weekend and he still says he doesn't want to go to school he wants to go to preschool with Felicity so I don't know what tomorrow will bring.He's supposed to get on the bus but I'm not sure how he is going to act.So I might be taking him.I'm hoping after this week that he will be alot better since he will be going everyday except Thursday.Now as for the little Felicity she went to preschool on Tuesday and she loved it.She never even got upset when I left.She made a craft which she made me hang up when we got home.She did alot of painting too which I hung up.She's all excited to go back there on Tuesday.I know if she had it her way she would go everyday.
Jason he is enjoying school.He starts Scouts on Thrusday so he is pretty excited about that.Next year he want to be in Cadets to so that is good.Well that is all for now.Please remember to keep all the caringbridge families in your prayers.

A KISS FOR KINDERGARTEN

"When I walk you to school tomorrow,
I will be the one who dawdles!

Tomorrow is the day,little friend.In the afternoon you go to school for the first time.A whole new world opens up to you then.You are ready to meet it.You've handled your new kindergarten clothes so many times in anticipation of the day you would first wear them.You've almost mastered tying your own shoes,except for the hard part making the bows.

But,I wonder how ready your mother is for this new life of your?If I could,I'd hold you back just a little longer,close to me,where I can shelter your world and share your life.

Tomorrow,when you take my hand for the walk to school,I will be the one who dawdles."Just a few minutes longer,"I'll tell myself,"only a few extra minutes to keep you all mine."

When you reach that door,you'll leave me,anxcious to join the other in the kindergarten room.You'll walk through it as your brother has done,without a backward glance.

There I'll stand,wanting to shed a few mother's tears because another baby has become a little man,But I won't cry,I promise you I won't.

Instead,I'll concentrate on being proud,proud of you and Daddy and me.Proud that we've made you secure einough,in five years,to stand on your own for a little while,before racing home to share the news of the day.How we've built so much security,I don't know.All we've ever done is love you.

I admit I'm a bit jealous.Tomorrow you meet the ultimate authority.Soon you will tell me,with complete confidence,what has to be done because"Teacher says!"I must surrender part of my position to that other woman who is about to enter your life and your heart.

No longer will I know all your friends.Ashton and Tyler and Sean are old familiars in our yard and our kitchen.But,tomorrow you will broaden your horizons,and meet other children I shall know only through your tales of the classroom.

You will soon learn to keep your own little secrets as you master the art of making Christmas presents:the paper tree chains,the felt and glitter bookmarks,the orange juice cans transformed with macaroni and gold paint to hold Mommy's pencils,and someone elses hands will help you do it.

But there is much for us to share this year,you and I.Over cookies and milk,you will tell me what "Teacher said" and Julie did." I will listen,enchanted as I wiew the new world through your eyes.

It's so hard to let you go my friend. For fivve years,you have been my companion.Together we have surveyed the supermarkets,dovoured the dime store,puttered out way through the plant shop.It won't be the same without you,without your warm,trusting hand in mine.

Yes,I hate to see you leave behind the sheltered world of home and mother.But,I will always be with you,as I am with your brother.Love reaches beyond the boundaries of neighborhoods,beyond time and place .

In the meantime I will help you put your red-and-white stripped shirt and crisp new pants.We will be on our way.

But tonight-tonight,for the last time,you are simply my baby,And I hold you now at bedtime just a little longer,cuddle you just a bit closer,give you one more kiss before saying good night.In your excitement,you won't notice my stealing that extra kiss....

I need it for Kindergarten.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 9, 2005 2:10 PM CDT

Sweet AVERY is now a beautiful Angel.In Memory of Avery Monday will be her color's to wear.Pink and Yellow so on Monday everyone wear pink or yellow in memory of precious Avery.

My heart is broken.I feel for Shannon and Scott and there famlies.Just look at Avery's smile,It melts my heart.Avery will always be in my heart and on my mind like all the other angels.Avery was such a beautiful baby girl.She will be deeply missed.I know that my Dad is watching over her for her family till we all meet again in Heaven.Just remember when it rains that's Heaven's tears.All the angels are missing there loved one's too.
Keep Shannon and Scott and there Family member's in your prayer's'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 9, 2005 0:47 AM CDT

Avery is not doing well and has gotten worse over night.

URGENT PRAYER"S NEEDED AVERY Her heart is in rejection and things do not look good for the precious 5 month old.Please everyone pray for Avery.She might have to be taken off the EMCO which is keeping her alive.Stop by her page and pray for her.

AVERY NEEDS ALL THE PRAYER'S RIGHT NOW AND SO DOESCHRISTOPHER.HE DOESN'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT.

PLEASE PRAY FOR THESE LITTLE ONES.

I WILL ADD THE PAGE BACK SOON FIRST THESE LITTLE ONES NEED ALL OUR SUPPORT.PLEASE KEEP AVERY AND CHRISTOPHER IN YOUR PRAYER'S.STOP BY THERE PAGE TODAY AND OFFER YOUR PRAYER'S.

THANK YOU
LOVE BRENDA AND MY ANGEL DAD

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 0:11 AM CDT

Today was so hard.Tristan went to school today to get used to it.He was all excited to go until we got there.
There were only 5 kids there but Friday will be his first day with everyone there.He was not a happy camper.He cried and cried.He wouldn't let me go.I had to pry him off of me as the tears rolled down my checks.It was so hard listening to him scream as I walked down the hallway.I hope he doesn't throw up like he did in preschool.I never even kept him there.Felicity is all excited to go to preschool went and got her signed up today,She will go Tuesday's and Thursday's.Starting next week.

When I went to bed last night I talked to my Dad and asked him to help find Avery a heart.Well my prayer's were answered for little Avery got her heart today.Now she will be having her surgery.Keep the little sunshine in your prayer's that everything goes well.She is not out of the woods just yet.Please pray for the donor's family,during there difficult time of the loss of there loved one.

Avery's heart is showing sign's of rejection please keep her in your prayer's that her heart will get stronger and the bleeding will stop

This has been a busy week.Been keeping busy making web pages.I made one for little Mason and his mom cried when she seen the page I had done for her.I still have 2 more to do.Hopefully I will get those done tomorrow.Trying to get these guestbooks signed too for this week.Remember when I told you all before that I signed 500 well now it's 1000.Everytime I sign I find about 10 new ones.I love putting smiles on the children's faces so it's all good. Jason started school on Thursday.He has a man teacher this year so he is pretty happy about that.And little Tristan starts Kindergarten on Friday.He goes on Tuesday for a little bit to get him used to it before his big day.Can you believe that Dad.I so wish you where here to see him go his first day but I know that you will be there with us in spirit.Felicity wants to go to preschool so bad so Tuesday when I drop off Tristan we are going to stop by the one here and see if I can get her in there.She has had her snacks packed all weekend for it.I have been thinking about you so much lately.Soon it will be going on 9 months since you've been gone.I seems like a lifetime already.Dad I know you welcomed Maddy and Jamie into Heaven and all the other sweet Angels that went to Heaven in August.I'm glad you are there for them.I'm still heartbroken about there passing.And Tuesday Sept. 6th makes it a month since sweet Chris became an Angel.I miss her so much too Dad.I was listening to the Tv the other day while on the computer and was hearing them talk about Cancer and how they need to find a cure but how they will loose money.It makes me sick.Too many Children became Angels in August over 10 that I know of and it's just not fair.These kids should be enjoying there life not fighting for it.

Please keep little AVERY in your prayer's.She needs a new heart ASAP.Her family could use all the support right now .I have became friends with so many Caringbridge families.We are all like on big family.And I couldn't ask for anything more.Please Keep MADDY'Sfamily in your prayer's.I know her family is going through such a hard time right now ,losing there little Queen.I'm so worried about them.Pray for all the other familes who's kids are fighting this battle and for those who have lost it.

Well that is all for now .I will update again on Friday and let you know how Tristan's first day in Kindergarten was.

Love Always,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 2:55 PM CDT

My heart is breaking.Today August 31,2005 God called on two more children.
The little Queenmaddy

Maddy
and little Jamie

Jamie(Beeboo)
earned there angel wings.My heart is in peices right now.They will forever be remembered.They fought so hard.

TEARS ARE THE PROOF OF LIFE

"How long will the pain last?" a broken hearted mourner asked me.

"All the rest of your life," I answered truthfully.

No matter how many years pass, we remember. The loss of a loved one is like a major operation; part of us is removed, and we have a scar for the rest of our lives.

This doesn't mean that the pain continues at the same intensity. There is a short while, at first, when we hardly believe it. It is rather like when we have cut our hand, we see the blood flowing, but the pain has not yet set in. So when we are bereaved, there is a short while before the pain hits us. But when it does, it is massive in its effect. Grief is shattering.

Then the wound is healed, so to speak. The stiches are taken out....The scar is still there, and the scar tissue too. As the years go by, we manage, but the pain is still there, not far below the surface. We see a face that looks familiar, hear a voice that has echoes, see a photograph in someone's album, and it is as though the knife were in the wound again.

But not so painfully. And mixed with joy, too. Because remembering a happy time is not all sorrow; it brings back happiness with it.

"How long will the pain last?"

All the rest of your life.

But the thing to remember is that not only the pain will last, but the memories as well. Tears are the proof of life. The more love, the more tears. If this be true, than how could we ever ask that the pain cease altogether? For then the memory of love would go with it. The pain of grief is the price we pay for love.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 29, 2005 9:50 PM CDT

I just want to thank all my Caringbridge friends for all your love and support.I don't know what I would do without you all.And none of you have to worry I will never stop what I do.I worked on a few kids pages this week.Still have to finish up two and then start another one.I had one family email me wanting me to do there Daughter's page who just found out in July that she has Cancer.SavahanaShe is such a little cutie.I felt bad for I can't do anything to the new site's for that is the way Caringbridge set them up so you can't add anything or change anything.But I did finally figure out how to post graphic's in the guestbook.So if there are any of you that would like your page done just email me and I will be happy to do that for you.

This week has been hard.So many Caringbridge families losing there loved ones.It's just not fair.Please keep the children listed above in your prayers right now they really need it.

Whatever your cross
Whatever your pain
There will always be sunshine
After the rain

Perhaps you may stumble
Perhaps even fall
But God's always there
To help you through it all

I haven't been doing much this week.Kids have been miserable all week.Getting them ready to go back to school on Thrusday.Tristan is getting excited for he is starting Kindergarten,Jason will be going to grade 6 and little Felicity will be staying home with mommy.I'm going to see if I can get her into preschool and see how she likes that.Tristan went last year and he never liked it at all.He just wanted to be home with Felicity.

Tristan went to another football game and his Dad got him a Jersey,a hat,flag and a football.He looked so cute.So while they where at the game Felicity and I went to the mall and I got her some dollies and a barbie book that she wanted.Jason is at his Dad's again till Tuesday.

I can't believe that it has been 8 months since Dad has been gone.I miss him so much.This person telling me to move on.How can one move on when a loved on has been takin away from them.You never get over the pain.It may ease in time but you never get over it.My Dad was always a big part of my life.He was always there when I needed him.It hurts so bad for now when I need he is not around.So many times I wanted to call him or go see him.Now all I can do is look at his picture and tell him how much I love him and miss him so.That is why Dad's page is still up.There is like a conection here where I can keep apart of him alive.So many loving memories to share and to let him know how I'm doing and the kids.Tristan's Birthday is coming up soon so I'm thinking that now when it's one of there Birthday's I will make the page about Dad's grandchildren for he loved them all so much.So the week before Tristan's Birthday it will be all about him and how he spent them with Grandpa.And the memories we hold deep in our hearts.

Thank you all and like my good friend Chris would always say
Love~Peace~Hope

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 27, 2005 1:23 PM CDT

Daddy I will Never Forget August 14th

Dad I feel so aweful
Dad I feel so blue
To have to live my life
Alone without you

Today was really hard on me
In each and every way
I kept on thinking that
I was throwing you away!

For today was the day Dad
That I went to Jason's grave
And sadley placed your ashes
Forever there to stay

Where will you go now
Will you stay there for awhile
will you come to me in my dreams
and give me your sweet smile

I will always love you daddy
I feel so lost and sad
I sit here tonight crying
Missing my dear sweet Dad

I feel so lonely now
Now your really gone away
I only wish that I could keep
your ashes here to stay

I know that your in my heart
and in my memories too
but listen dear daddy
why do i feel so blue

I wanted to just keep you
Forever here with me
but now you are with Jason
Till forever enternity

But I had lots of Family support
Aunty Susie and Uncle Dale
Suzette,Dan and Jeremy
Uncle Victor and his Girlfriend
Kim and the adorable twins
To let me know that it was okay
To finally let you go

It still was so hard for me
To do that to you you know
In fact it really ripped my
heart into peices all over again

it felt like Christmas all over again
When you went away
I wanted to just keep you
Here with me to stay

But Daddy I know you are resting
In the heaven's above
And I never ever will forget
Your unconditioning love.

For I may have of spread your ashes
I may feel sad and blue
But your with so many Angels now
Who love you like I do.

Written By Brenda Rurka

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 21, 2005 2:29 AM CDT

Look what left in my Dad's guestbook.I can't believe this person.

YOU CAN"T EVEN LEAVE A REAL EMAIL ADDRESS.WHAT KIND OF PERSON ARE YOU

JUST SO YOU KNOW.I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR COMMENTS IN MY FATHER'S GUESTBOOK.IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY PAGE THEN STAY AWAY FROM IT.AND IF I SIGN YOUR PAGE LET ME KNOW AND I WILL BE MORE THAN HAPPY NOT TO SEND ANY MESSAGES.EVERY PAGE I GO TO THE PARENTS ENJOY ME STOPPING BY.JUST BECAUSE MY FATHER IS NO LONGER HERE HIS PAGE WILL REMAIN UP.THERE ARE ALOT OF CHILDREN'S PAGES THAT I GO TO THAT HAVE GONE TO HEAVEN ARE YOU SCARED OF THERE PAGES TOO.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IS SO SCARY ABOUT MY DAD'S PAGE.

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME SEND ME AN EMAIL.

HEY BRENDA
PLEASE STOP PUTTING ALL THIS STUFF ON OTHER PEOPLE WEB PAGES SORRY YOU LOSED YOUR FATHER IT TIME TO MOVE ON THAT IS FINE THAT YOU HAVE THE PAGE AND LEAVE MESSGAERS BUT PLEASE DON'T PUT ALL THAT OTHER STUFF NOT YOUR WEB PAGE ADDRESS THERE BECAUSE KIDS ARE CLICKING ON THAT AND ARE GETTING VERY SCRAED SEE AND READING ABOUT THE DEAD SO PLEASE STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think its time you moved on Brenda Im sorry for your loss but this doesnt seem very healthy and kids are getting scared.

Thank you for all your love and support.I love you all.And don't you all worry I will continue signing the pages.I thought I would post the comments from people who love what I do.Well I have to run I have ALOT of pages to sign,

To "pleasestop@aol.com" Get a life, stay of the webpages if you do not want to see it and keep better control over the kids that get scared, where are there parents when they go on these webpages! You are a sour puss and we don't want your kind around us, so you stop and stay away, this is a comfort to other people and kids that are very sick, you are sick too, but you need to go see a shrink for your sickness. We had enough of you coming onto this website telling other people what to do, I will report you to AOL next time I see a message from you and you will be banned from ever getting another account, do you understand, STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brenda, you keep on comforting the people, you are an Angel! Keep up the good work!

I have to agree, pleasestop, you need a lesson in compassion. It is obvious that you've never lost someone close to you, and for that you should be incredibly grateful rather than rude and critical. I can only hope that when the day comes that you lose someone close to you that you can handle it with the grace that Brenda does and that perhaps you will find an outlet for your grief where people won't hassle you.

Brenda is not scaring children, Brenda is dealing with her grief and spreading the word about a terrible disease that robbed her father of his life. To have someone criticize her is absolutely unfair.

Grow up and get a life. If this website is scaring you or your kids, don't come anymore. That's the beauty of the internet...YOU chose what YOU look at.

There are so many of us who keep you in our thoughts and prayers. The joy you bring to the pages is amazing. It's always so nice when someone is keeping you in thought and prayer. Rodney doesn't have computer access, so I do his journal for him and call him daily with his guestbook entries. When there are special graphics added, I make sure to tell him and when he is able to get out and about, he stops by to see them. I know that he, for one, is very happy to see all of the beautiful things that you do on the pages. When he can be here for extended periods of time, I show him all around CB so that he can see how everyone is so loving and caring.
Please don't ever stop what you are doing. You bring much needed smiles to so many faces.
I know that people have stopped by here and left negative messages, I hope that you'll ignore them. Some people just aren't happy in life, unless they think they can make other people miserable. It's so sad that they can't stay away from the pages with all of their negative comments, or if they must do it, they need to do it in private emails!
We all, (and I think I can speak for a lot of people) appreciate you, Brenda! Please don't ever stop!

Sending you lots of love and hugs,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 15, 2005 11:38 PM CDT

I think this was the hardest weekend ever in my life.Here's how the weekend went.

The new background is of the Ukrainan Egg that is in Vegerville.When they made this egg we would ask my Dad why they where making it and he told us that they were making it for him,of course we believed him so we told everyone that.I wanted to share picture's of the house we used to live it but it was torn down I was so disapointed about that and the school I went to has also been taken down.The only thing that has remained the same with some changes is the hospital that my Dad used to work in.The cross is in the Cemetary were Jason is.All about our old home and my fondest memories.

First of all I would like to tell you all the bad news I was mentioning before.My Uncle Marty has Cancer and has 6 months to a year if that.It all depends on how fast the cancer will affect him.He lives in Vancouver so I don't see him very often which is hard.He did come to the wedding which I'm glad and I think it was his way of saying good-bye for it will probably be the last time we all see him.I don't want my Uncle to give up but I think he is.He is tierd of the Chemo for it is so draining on him.My other Uncle Steve also has to go for triple by pass surgery for his heart for all the arteries are blocked or something like that.

The Wedding was very nice.Jason and Melanie make a beautiful couple.I took about 350 picture's in those two days and all my Uncle's were getting mad a me.Well for one if I want to take picture's I will because I never see them.The only time I see our Family together is when we have a Funeral to attend or a Wedding which I think is not right.But any ways that had me a little upset.During the Whole wedding we watched a video of Jason and his beautiful bride and the song I will remember you started to play well I got so upset.My Cousin Kim was there and seen me crying and we talked about how I was feeling but she knew.Thanks Kim.Being at the wedding made me wish Dad was there to celebrate is with us.He wanted to go to Jason's wedding so bad.They had Ukranian dancers there to dance.That was so nice and something Dad would of loved to watch.The dance's that Dad loved to dance to broke my heart because he would always be the first on the dance floor kicking up a storm.I could just picture him grabbing my arm and pulling me to the dance floor to dance and any one else.Just hearing all the music and watching all my aunts and uncle's dance made me miss him even more.When that was over I headed over to the motel to go to sleep and in my dream I seen Dad doing the poka.And just dancing away.

Sunday was the gift opening and then the spreading of the ashes.Well that was the hardest thing I ever had to do.I wanted all the Aunts and Uncle to come but some never wanted to and I understand that.My Auntie Susie who I love dearly came and Uncle Dale,Suzette,Dan and Jeremy.Unlce Victor and Kelly,Kim and the twins.I'm am so thankful for them for helping me get through it all.I wanted to keep my Dad always with me and not spread them so it was very emotional and a very hard thing for me to do.I felt like I was throwing him away.I never wanted to let Dad go.But I did and I put them in the middle of the wreath I had bought to put on my baby brother Jason's grave.That is where Dad wanted to be is with Jason.I did keep some in the bag so I can bury them with the Raspberry bushes whenever we move somewhere perminant.Then we released the 20 balloons I had gotten.Everyone was in tears and I of course was a wreack.I cried the whole weekend.I tried so hard to not cry those two days but that never happened.

Then when that was all done we all went back to the hall for a visit.We all dished up plates to take home for there was tons of food left over.And the food was Awesome.Even had a chocolate fountain to dip strawberris in and other fruit.I was going to go back to the campground where my Aunts and Uncles were staying but I never felt welcome so I came home.

Thanks Kim,Suzette,Uncle Victor,Kelly,Dan,Jeremy,Auntie Susie and Uncle Dale for being there for me .And Skylar and Ashton.

I sat down tonight and wrote the poem on the page at the top.

This is what what said when these were sent to me.

Would you believe people at work saw the memorial cards and wanted one?? I told them what they were, then they wanted one even more. WOW! There was something really special about that girl!

Love~~Always~~Brenda

Wrote this poem about my dear friend Chris

I MISS YOU CHRIS

Chris Chris my Clownfish friend
Why did our friendship have to end.
Why did the Cancer take you away
From your family and your friends

You were always full of light
like a candle burning bright
I never thought you would
Loose the fight
For you fought so hard to win
the fight,but
it sadly ended Aug 6th on that Saturday night.''

I went to your page
again and again
not wanting to believe
that is was true
that the good lord had taken you

You took on a mission
you never gave up
Chris so many looked up to you
Now what are we supposed to do.

You had such an impact
I don't think that you knew
Exactly how many people
loved and admired you.

We all miss you so much
We wished you could stay
but that dam old cancer
Took our good friend away

I guess god needed you more
In the heaven's above
But none of us will forget
You heartfelt love

Chris your my hero
You never gave up
you kept on the fight
right till the end

I wish I could of met you
But we lived miles away
But deep in my heart
Friend forever we'll stay

Your time wasn't done
You had so much to do
Oh how your precious family
Loves and misses you.

Go to there dreams Chris
tell them your safe
In no more pain
and free of the cancer
And happy to be
At heaven's golden gate'
surrounded by angels and all
there heavenly love

You smile was a million
Your courage and strength so true
I know for a fact that
Lance Armstrong admired you

26 is so young to die
to be a beautiful angel
up in the sky

Little devin is heartbroken
and so am i
like all the caringbridge families.
lurker's and friends.
we find it hard to believe
that it had to end.

We go to your site about
10 times a day
But then it hits us
that you are truly gone away.

your spirit will live on
don't you worry about that
for no one here will ever
forget about you

You were there for so many
you took time to care
even though you had your
own fight to share.

Your 26 years may
have been short
but you left with a message
for the world to know

Peace love hope
and happiness
Livestrong for someday it will
be your time to go

Follow your dreams keep your head up high
we will all met again
in the heaven's
blue sky

I wish I had your number
so i could of called you
for i know that your voice
was soft and sweet
Just like you
I sit here and cry just thinking of you

I remember when you
first came to my page
with all your encouraging
words that you gave

You helped me so much
I wish you were still here
with all your caring support
and love that you gave

I will miss our chats
on yahoo we had
laughing and crying
being angry and mad

Thank you Chris
For being my friend
I wish it never had to end.

I will love you forever
I will think of you each day
Never will our friendship
fade far away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 14, 2005 11:58 PM CDT

I JUST GOT HOME.WHAT AN EMOTIONAL WEEKEND.I'M BEAT SO I WILL UPDATE TOMORROW SOMETIME.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 7:51 PM CDT

Angels are Always There

Surrounding you are angels,
They are there to guide your path,
If weakness overcomes you,
They'll give you strength if you will ask.

They are your protection
When life seems too hard to bear,
And though you feel alone at times,
The angels ... they are there.

Their faces may be hidden
And their voices you might not hear,
But they are ALWAYS with you,
Through your laughter or your tears.

They'll walk along beside you,
They'll guide your steps along the way,
They'll comfort you and hold you,
Protect you night and day.

They'll hold to your hand tightly,
They'll not ever let it go,
And they'll gently lead you forward,
Taking each step very slow.

For even as you slumber,
They watch closely over you;
They are there beside you
In each and every thing you do.

When life is overwhelming,
And your spirit has grown tired,
Know they'll be there for you,
To uplift and to inspire.

And when you're torn and lonely,
And you see no hope ahead,
Know that they will nourish you,
Your spirit will be fed.

And if there comes a time in life
That your heart has been broken,
Hear the words, "I'm here, my child,"
And know your angel has spoken.

For even in the darkest hour,
When all of hope seems gone,
They'll give you strength to live your life,
And desire to go on.

And if your faith in Heaven,
Should ever fade away,
They'll help renew your spirit,
And help you find your way.

Even though you're ever filled with doubt,
About the life you live,
Know that they are there to give you
All that they can give.

For you see, the Father sent them,
Because to Him, you mean so much,
That He sent them "just for you," my friend,
And your life, they will touch.

They will always be here,
They will "never" leave your side;
And upon their strength and guidance,
You always may rely.

Take comfort in their guidance,
Draw strength from up above,
And know that their sweet presence,
Is God's precious gift of love.

Thursday,August 11,2005 3AM CDT

Chris had her celebration today.I know it was beautiful,for she was beautiful inside and out. I sent her some balloons.Did lots of crying today too.Missing Chris and missing Dad.I'm off for the weekend so check back for my update Monday and I will get back to signing all your guestbooks then too.It's been crazy around here.Take Care.

~PEACE~LOVE~HOPE

Hi Everyone.

What a week,I'm still dealing with the shock that Chris has become a beautiful angel.I hope a cure will be found for all types of Cancer before other's have to loose there battle over it.That goes for Aids and other illnesses that are taking our loved ones.

This weekend is the weekend where I'm supposed to do Dad's ashes.I still dont' think that I'm ready to do that.But I guess we will see what happens.We all got a small Urn for us to have.I will update when I get back on Sunday or Monday with picture's of the Wedding.Then I will let you all know about the bad news I was talking about before.I'm still having a hard time with it.

Good friends of ours came over on Saturday for the night.Kim and Patrick are such a great couple they sure can make you laugh.I love them dearly.I just wish they lived closer.We used to do everything together.So stayed up late and played 13 it was a good time.And of course of all days it rains made me so mad.But other that that is was beaufiful the whole time Poppa was here.

Donnie left on Monday,they are driving back to Nova Scotia.Which take's 53 hours.We drove out there last year with the two little ones and never stopped.It was sad to see him go.He is coming back in 2 Months so that is good.
It was a little sad for me for Dad was always here when Donnie would come down.I thought about him so much this past week.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 8, 2005 9:57 PM CDT

I will update soon.Hopefully tonight or tomorrow sometime.Please keep Chris's family in your prayer's.I'm at a loss for words right now.Too many people are going to heaven too soon.We need to find a cure!

The lord just called Frannie

Home!

Feb 02,2001- July 24,2005

And now Chris

April 27, 1979 - August 7, 2005

Chris was such a good friend of mine.Such a young age 26,she had so much to look forward too.Even though we never meet we chatted all the time on yahoo till 3am sometime's 4am in the morning.I'm going to miss our chats and her deeply.She was such a strong person inside and out.She fought right to the end.Caringbridge will now have a little peice missing without Chris around.She will forever remain in our hearts.

Rest in peace now my friend,and say hi to my Dad for me!

Remember to keep Maddy in your prayer's also.She is back in the ICU again.
Maddy

Thank-You

Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 30, 2005 3:36 AM CDT

Chris Earned her wings today August 7th.Please stop by her page,her family needs us now.

Wednesday was a busy day for me.Went and picked Jason up at the bus then decided to take the kids to go get Ashley in Camrose.Well almost got killed by some idiot on the road.This guy starts driving towards me so I start to go to the side of the road for I thought he was going to hit me and he's still coming towards me.He got only inches before he would of hit me then got out of my way.It was like he was playing Chicken.Well I was so shaken up.I thought for sure we were going to be in an accident,if not killed.Plus I had all 4 kids with me.I went and picked up Mike and told him what happened and he said that he's lucky that Mike wasn't driving for he would of turned around and went after him and I know he would of.Thanks for keeping me safe Daddy.I love you.

Well these last couple days have been really emotional for me.Mike's Dad (Donnie) is down from Nova Scotia for 10 days and I wanted to call my Dad and tell him that I will be on my way to pick him up but can't.It's hard for Dad was always happy to see Donnie and they got along so good.It brings back memories that's for sure.It's finally hot here so the kids have been in there pool 24/7.Won't be able to sign to many guestbooks this week with all the company but I will sure try.Going to have a house full today.Two familes are coming up from Calgary for the weekend while Donnie is here so it is going to be pretty busy around here.

I went and bought a butterfly and a birdie to put in with my Dad's raspberry bushes.The one's that stick in the ground.I want to get about 6 more for there and when I do I will post a picture.

Hope you all have a good weekend.I will be praying for all my Caringbridge families.Take Care Everyone.

Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 2:08 AM CDT

Thank you all so much for all your Birthday wishes to Dad.I know he loved them and loves you all for caring.You all helped me with my day.It really means alot to me.You are all like family to me.I don't know what I would do without any of you.Thanks for putting a smile on my face today and trust me I needed that.Today was so hard.The weather here is just aweful but I sent those balloons anyways.Tristan and Felicity sang Happy Birthday to Grandpa it was so cute.I feel bad cause Jason wasn't here for the balloon send off but when he gets home I'm going to get a coulple more so he can send some too.Tristan and Felicity both wanted to go to the park again and send them off but I said we will send them from here this time.Plus it was raining anyways.The balloons were gone fast with the wind.

Got some bad news which doesn't help either.I will tell you about the news in my next update.

Dad I hope you had a wonderful Heavenly Birthday.I think about you all the time and miss you more and more each day.
I wish you were here to comfort me and give me one of your tender hugs.I sure could use one today from you.I love you so much Dad.

Never Alone

I feel you in the morning
When at first I awake
Your thought is with me
With each decision I make

You'd been around forever
Since the first breath I took
Now I have to go on alone
But for love, I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever

Although you've left
And now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love

Enjoy now your long waited reward
Feel peace that your love continues on
What was taught to me, will be taught to mine
Cause you live on in me even after you've gone

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday July 25, 2005 12:00 AM CDT

Dad I love you so much.I wish I could be with you to celebrate your special day but I will be in your heart.You are surrounded by so many angels to help you with you special day.Watch for my balloons tomorrow,I will be sending some to you when Mike gets home from work.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!

Your always in my thoughts Dad.A day does not got by that I don't mention your name.You are so deeply missed here in my house.I will post picture's tomorrow night sometime.Frannie became a beautiful little Angel today.Please stop by her page and send your prayer's.Her family needs all the support they can get.
Thank-You everyone for your love and support over the nasty email I got.I just don't understand some people.

Someone left this in my guestbook today,With no name or anything.It hurts,I don't know why people are so cruel.If you don't want me signing your guestbook just email me and I will be more than happy to stay away from it.Being scared of my website doesn't make sense to me.My Dad was a loving man who never hurt anyone so for someone to say that there scared of my site makes me mad.Saying that I'm invaiding other's space.Come on now.I sign other's guestbooks because I care.You can't even leave your name.You say that teenager's are scared.of what I would like to know.Who are these teenager's most of the people I visit are little kids.Who is upset with me if other's are upset with me just email me.Man this make's my blood boil.I would really like to know what I have done wrong by caring for other's.How does this make one upset.What do I leave that is so anoying to you.It's a little siggie that is all.I will continue signing webpages unless someone emails me with there site to stay away from.No one is going to tell me that I'm doing something wrong by caring.My Dad never deserved what happened to him.If you don't like my page then don't stop by.No one else is complaing but you and you can't even leave me your name.Sorry I'm just so upset by this rude person.

This is what this person said with no name or nothing.

I know you miss your dad and all but you don't need going in on other people web pages and taking up all those there space just leave a little message and not all the other stuff it really not nice in how you invend on otheer people eb pages thankyou for listening there a lot of people up set that what you have done it fine you have a web page of your lose father but some of these teenagers are scred to dead of your web page so please stop thnayou!!!!!!!!!
just stop it
PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE!!

Thursday, July 21, 2005 11:53 PM CDT

Went to Grandma's on Sunday for lunch,it was such a nice visit.Grandma was really happy to see the kids they had a good time.

Grandma made me 8 dozen perogies to take home and a dozen buns.Yummy I love my Grandma's cooking.Dad loved it too.
I told Grandma that she didn't have to move that she could move in with me instead that I would look after her.I love her so much I would do anything for her.She told me that I wouldn't want an old crippled lady living with me I told her sure I would.She just laughed.My Grandma is so funny.She is full of spunk.
We stopped in Vegreville where I grew up that brought back so many precious memories of Dad. Took the kids to see the big Ukrainian Egg there.There is a long story behind that which I will share with you all after the Wedding with picture's.I got some picture's of the kids with the egg.I will share those and that story after the Wedding.I want to make a special page when I get more picture's when I go back there in August.The kids loved it there.The little corner store that we would always go to with Dad is now gone which is sad.When I was about 4yrs old my sister and I decided that we were going there by ourselves to get some candy and we did.Scared my poor Dad for we just left.The nice little ladies at the store phoned my Daddy and told him we were there.He was so mad at us but was so happy that we were ok.Sorry about that Dad.Sitting here I remember so much when we lived there.We only were there till we were 6 but I remember everything.
I also want to go take picture's of the house we used to live in.I loved my room we used to have little lamps above our bed that you had to pull the chain to turn on and off.Just little things like that.Brings tears to my eyes just thinking about all the memories that I have there.Memories that I will cherish forever.
There weather is has been crappy all week,poor kids want to go in there pool but can't .It's supposed to be hot tomorrow and for the weekend so that is good.It's about time.I now have lots of picture's of all the we been having.
Jason is going to be home on Wednesday which will be nice I miss the little bugger,so do Tristan and Felicity.Mike's Dad and Reggie are coming on Wednesday also from Nova Scotia for about a week or so.The kids can't wait till Poppa gets here.He spoils them all.Ashley will also be coming that day which is Mike's other daughter.So Tristan is on the finger count down on sleeps untill everyone gets here.I love Mike's Dad,he is so nice and he spoils me too.I sure miss him he will be coming back down in October he is always here then it seems.I love him to pieces.I will try and update when he's here to let you all know how we are doing and what we are doing.I will be thinking and praying for you all.

Love

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 22, 2005 0:12 AM CDT

Someone left this in my guestbook today,With no name or anything.It hurts,I don't know why people are so cruel.If you don't want me signing your guestbook just email me and I will be more than happy to stay away from it.Being scared of my website doesn't make sense to me.My Dad was a loving man who never hurt anyone so for someone to say that there scared of my site makes me mad.Saying that I'm invaiding other's space.Come on now.I sign other's guestbooks because I care.You can't even leave your name.You say that teenager's are scared.of what I would like to know.Who are these teenager's most of the people I visit are little kids.Who is upset with me if other's are upset with me just email me.Man this make's my blood boil.I would really like to know what I have done wrong by caring for other's.How does this make one upset.What do I leave that is so anoying to you.It's a little siggie that is all.I will continue signing webpages unless someone emails me with there site to stay away from.No one is going to tell me that I'm doing something wrong by caring.My Dad never deserved what happened to him.If you don't like my page then don't stop by.No one else is complaing but you and you can't even leave me your name.Sorry I'm just so upset by this rude person.

This is what this person said with no name or nothing.

I know you miss your dad and all but you don't need going in on other people web pages and taking up all those there space just leave a little message and not all the other stuff it really not nice in how you invend on otheer people eb pages thankyou for listening there a lot of people up set that what you have done it fine you have a web page of your lose father but some of these teenagers are scred to dead of your web page so please stop thnayou!!!!!!!!!
just stop it
PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 21, 2005 3:43 PM CDT

Oh man I had my update all typed here and Tristan came a deleted it all.LOL I will update tonight when they are in bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 15, 2005 3:15 AM CDT

Wow,I can't believe it has almost been 7 months since Dad has been gone.And also on the 7 month mark is his Birthday which he would of turned 64 on the 25th.I'm going to be getting more balloons so we can send them to him on his Heavenly Birthday.Were does the time go it seemed like yesterday he was here but then again a life time since I got to hold his hand and talk to him.Mike is going to see if some one from his work will make a steel cross to place by Jason's Grave with the words"Home At Last"on it.Jason is buried in vegreville which is an hour away from here.But maybe I will just place it by his Raspberry bushes then it's not so far away to visit and then I can keep a little of the ashes to place there too.
I'm so sad and confused right now,for I don't know what to do about the Wedding on the 13th of August.Supposed to be spreading the ashes then and I really don't think I'm ready to do that.All of Dad's brother's and Sister's will be there that is why we thought that would be a good day to spread them but now I don't know.Then if I don't everyone might be upset with me for it's going to give them closure.But then what is it going to do to me.I don't know if I can handle doing that,I'm so scared.Everytime I think of it I cry so I dont' know what I'm going to do.

Going to see my Grandma on we are going to drive down there which is 1 and a half hours for lunch.I want to take the kids down for it's been so long since she has seen them.I will take picture's and post them when I update the next time.She has her house up for sale now and will be going into a one bedroom home in September she is hoping for.She will still have a stove so she can still make me her famous perogies.She is going to make me some to bring home when we go see her also.And then more in August after the Wedding and that is when she will see Jason.I love you Grandma.

Dad that Granddaughter of your's is so dam funny.Tonight she was outside talking to her Daddy and then you hear her say "Talk to the Hand"and she had her hand in front of his face.LOL it was so funny.That's from watching the Terminator too many times or hearing them say that.

The poor cat Max is hurt,he fell off the deck and now he is limping and it doesn't help that Felicity and Tristan won't leave him alone either for they are always hurting his back leg and it's to the point where he can't even walk on it.I told the kids that they were not allowed to pick him up now untill he is all better.The poor Kitty.

Please keep Maddy and Frannie in your prayer's right now.Frannie is not doing good at all and has not been improving.I called her Mom yesterday,and she told me she is not good at all.I feel so bad for her.I also made her a Dora page today for she loves Dora.Maddy has been improving but still needs all the prayer's she can get.And don't forget about my good friend Chris also needs lots of prayer's right now too.
Thank-You

Love Brenda

A Hug Certificate for You!

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it just for you
and share with you its beauty
On the days you're feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own;
A place to find serenity,
A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea,
But all these things I'm finding
are impossible for me.
I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair,
But let me be what I know best,
A friend who's always there.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 0:56 AM CDT

My Computer is acting up again on me.Felicity was on it today and I dont' know what she did.I tried signing my guestbooks but it take's me about 5 minutes to get into anything on here.I'm going to get my friend to come over on Friday to have a look.This took me forever to type also.I'm so sorry everyone.

Well I haven't had a smoke in a week now.I thought it would bug me but it doesn't.But I have been so tierd lately.I go to bed early and get up at a normal time and am tierd all day long.I heard that this happens when you quit smoking.Hopefully I will have some energy soon.All I want to do is sleep 24/7.I think Max our cat broke is leg or his hip.Poor thing is limping and won't put any weight on his back paw.Tristan pushed him off the deck and I think he landed the wrong way.Poor Max I feel so bad for him.Tristan feels really bad too and said sorry to Max about a million times already.The heartburn and headaches are gone now.Still get the heartburn a little bit just have to watch what I'm eating.

Dad not a single moment goes by that I dont' think of you.I'm still missing you so much.Jason's Wedding is coming up soon and that is when we said we were going to spread your ashes but I don't think I'm ready to do that yet.I don't want to.Brent is not going to the wedding and we still don't talk to one another after he told everyone that you died in his arms and he wasn't even there.Belinda doesnt' want to go to the Wedding for Auntie Diane will be there.They have been at each other since you past.Belinda sure is giving her a hard time.But you know how those two were.I know that Suzette is going to be there with me when I spread them but I'm not sure that I'm totally ready,it just seems too soon for that.If I could Dad I wouldn't spread them I would keep them forever.I wish I could.I'm just not ready to let you go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 7, 2005 11:32 AM CDT

Hello Everyone,
Not doing to bad today still have a little bit of my headache and with it being hot here is not helping them.I always seem to get them in the summer more.The heartburn is still bugging me.It's seems worse at night when I lay down.Wakes me up to the point where I almost throw up.I hate it.And everything I eat too.Taking alot of rolaids.Jason went to his Dad's on the 29th so we will be having his party when he gets back at the end of July.Went and got the kids a pool the other day.They just love it.They even threw the poor cat in there.It cooled it off anyways.LOL.Felicity would stay in there all day if you let her.Rain or shine.I also finally quit.I'm so glad I can't stand the smell or anything any more.So now I have to get Mike to quit and he will be doing that outside from now on with the doors closed.Well be doing a new page here soon probably and hopfully this weekend.Want to do something special for Dad for his heavenly Birthday.I still can't believe it's been six months so far.On July first I was talking to Suzette on the phone,when all of a sudden I heard a big crash of glass breaking.The big picture that I had of my Dad from the funeral fell off the wall.The frame broke cheap thing,Well I cried instanly,I was so heart broken,the picture got a little stratched up but not too bad.So now I have to get a new frame for that.Something else happened that day but I can't remmber now.Well have to run for now these two are fighting and being mean to each other.Sister and Brother love.Talk to you all later.
Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 5, 2005 9:09 AM CDT

Not feeling very good.I have major heartburn and have had a headache now for 3 days.Will update soon.Sorry I haven't been to your pages lately.I will get to them once I'm feeling better.Take care and Remember that I'm always thinking and praying for you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 1, 2005 3:31 AM CDT

Well it was 11 years ago today and right on that I had my first born.Jason came into this world right on his due date.I remember it so clearly,I got my friend Cindy to pick me up and phoned Dad at work.He had to work till 7am.Went to the Hospital and then waited to have Jason and for Dad.Dad showed up right after work.He was so excited I loved having Dad there.He helped me so much.Then finally at 1:16pm I had Jason 13 hours later.Dad loved seeing the birth ,and when it was time to cut the cord Dad did that too.He was so proud and honored to do that.So was I for I wouldn't of had it any other way.Dad spent so much time with Jason for that is when I lived right under neath him in the same apartment building so Dad was always coming over to see and hold the little peanut.Dad was there when I got him circumsized which he went into the room with him,I sat in the hall and cried.Dad was there for everthing his first tooth,his first time crawling and walking which the little bugger started at 7 months and 5 months for crawling.Dad came with me when Jason had surgery at 9 months for a dermitoid sist above his eye.We stayed in the same apartment with Dad for 2 years so Dad never missed anything.Dad went on field trips with Jason when he was in Kindergarten his concerts he was always there.I'm so glad that Dad and Jason had that special bond.When I first had Jason his name was Austin at first because his Dad wanted it that then it was 2 days after I got out of the Hospital and I phoned the hospital to see if I could change his name.For I always said if I ever had a boy I would name him Jason after my baby brother who passed away at 14 months who we never met.So it was 2am I called Dad and told him and he was more than happy to drive me to the hospital,LOL.I think he looks like a Jason anyways not an Austin.Dad I want to thank you again for always being there when I needed you,it never mattered what time it was you would be there.Last night I was looking in the closet and I found the bags of your things that I took home from the Hospital.Your housecoat still smells of you Dad.I sat on the floor and just cried.I have your glasses and your teeth Dad.The ones you hated so much.I have your razor's your brush everything.So I put them away except the clothes.Those are still in the closet for whenever I want to be near you I go smell your clothes for they all smell like you did.You always smelled so nice Dad.I feel somewhat close to you then.It may sound weird but I don't care.I will never wash out that scent.Then while looking at your pants there was a loonie in your pocket well I will have to put that away in a safe place,for I just left it in your pants.I miss you so much Dad.I will Love you Forever.
Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, June 27, 2005 1:13 AM CDT

I can't believe it's been 6 months Dad since I last seen your precious face.It seems like a life time.I miss you like crazy.I lay in bed every night thinking of you.How I always would pop in at your place for a visit.I always see you in your room watching TV.And it always seemed I would come during Little House on the Prarie hey Dad.You always loved that show so did I.So we would watch it together.I miss that Dad.Just being with you.I hope you enjoyed your Lobster and cards from the kids Dad.
I miss your love Dad
I miss your hugs
I miss your smile and laughter
I miss everything about you.
Soon it will be July 1st Canada Day!That was such a special day 11 years ago when I had Jason and you were there with me the whole time.You were so proud.You cut his cord.I will update that special Day with a new page and picture's on Friday.Wow my baby boy is growing up too fast.Soon it will be your Birthday too Dad.Your first spent in Heaven but you will be surrounded with all the Angels having one big party.The kids are always talking about you Dad.I'm always telling them stories.The fun we used to have Dad.I remember you came over to my house and you were being so silly.We were eating cherries and you dropped one remember what I said Dad,I said Dad you lost your cherry and you said,I lost that long time ago.Well did we ever laugh.I laugh all the time thinking about that one.There so many other's.I will cherish every single moment I spent with you Dad.You will and always will be in my heart.Thank you everyone for all you love and support you all mean the world to me.Even the lurker's who stop by.My computer is up and running again so I will be signing all my guestbooks tomorrow.Sorry it's been awahile everyone.We finally got the rest of the deck done on Friday so it's been really busy around here and with my computer acting up doesn't help either.I took alot of stuff off of here so it's seems way better now.Oh Dad guess what I'm actually starting to get caught up on all my show's when not almost but hopefully by the end of Summer I will be.When Dad went into the hospital I taped everything.I have 85 VHS tapes still to watch but I'm on number 5 now.Now with nothing being on I should catch up.I hope anyways.Well that is all for now I will update Friday with my special page for Canada Day and my son Jason who was born on that day.Take Care everyone.

Love Always.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, June 20, 2005 11:36 PM CDT

I have been having alot of problems with my computer this week it won't stay connected.Have to get new cable's.As soon as I get it up and running I will be back,to signing all your guestbooks.Please remember I'm thinking of you all always and keeping you all close to my heart with prayer's and love.I will be back.Don't forget me I'm not gone just away for a few days,Hopefully by Monday or Sooner I will be back.

Father's Day was filled with so many memories.
We started the day off with the boys working on the deck.The old one was nothing but holes.Plus it was ready to come down with one push.The weather was beautiful here for Father's Day and deck building.I bought 4 Lobster's this year for Mike.I so wish you could of been here for that Dad.I cried when I brought them home.The kids then made Grandpa each a card to send up with there balloons with a peice of Lobster attached to each balloon.I got 5 different balloons of things Dad loved one with sea creature's one with flower's,the color burgandy which he always looked so good in and a Thinking of You one and one that said World's Greatest Dad.Then while the deck was being done we went to the park for the send off.I wanted to go to Borden Park were we always would go with Dad for Single Parents day for picnic's but the kids wanted to play so we went to Jason's school park instead.After we sent the balloons to Dad the kids looked and waited till they couldn't see them no more and then they said"Mommy Grandpa got his balloons now there gone and he is eating his lobster and reading his cards"I said your right he is now.Then Jason said that Grandpa put his cards in his Angel room in heaven.It was a touching moment.The kids sure miss him.They knew yesterday was one special day.So the kids played at the park for awhile.Our deck is almost done now and Dad's raspberry bushes never got damaged at all.I was so happy about that.Then I took the boys to get there head shaved for Cancer.I was so proud of them they look so adorable.They love doing that for they know it's for a good cause.Then we just helped out with getting the deck done.It should be all done tomorrow we still have to add railings by the stairs.Dad you would just love this new deck.it's so beautiful now.The kids think it's great.I wish I had memories of you on the new one.I love you so much Dad I hope you had a good Father's Day in Heaven with Jason.I know you only got to spend one here with him but now you can spend the rest with him till we see you again.What a special Father's Day for you in Heaven being with Jason your first born who was only here for a short time.Tell Jason I love him and I can't wait to meet him for the first time.I think about him and up having so much fun together now all the time.I love you Dad.Happy Heavenly Father's Day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, June 18, 2005 10:47 PM CDT

Sunday,June 19,2005 11:44PM

Have lots to tell you and picture's to post Just dont feel like doing it today,I will do it in the next couple of days.
Hope you all had a Great Father's Day!

So many Happy Father's Day memories filling my head of you Dad.How last year you came over here and you were having so much trouble walking that Mike had to help you up the stairs,which you always hated and caught you for you almost fell getting out of my van,How I got you and Mike Losbster's last year and you where like a little kid in a candy store all excited.You were so cute Dad you always made me laugh.How you would eat the whole thing,that makes me chuckle cause you were never a big eater,but when it came to Lobster or Turkey look out.And I think that is the weekend we also put in the raspberry bushes.Remember that Dad there you were so weak but yet you dug that hole and planted them all for me.I helped to but you did most of the work for you always loved gardening.Our deck is getting done this weekend too finally of all weekends.We ripped it all down Dad and at first I was glad we were getting a new deck,but it sadden's me too for we spent all our time with you on that deck.Well our deck has been put on hold for all the we've been getting.I hope that soon it will stop for we have no stairs there now.I will post before and after picture's when it's all done. Whenever you came over we were on that deck.I remember how the little Monkies shortened your cane out there and again Mike caught you for the little stinker's never told you when you got up but all you did was laugh.You were such a good sport Dad.Half of the picture's I have of you here was on that deck.I don't think I even have one of you in the house.Maybe a couple not too many.I'm getting some balloon's for you this Father's Day Dad and we are going to send them up to you.And since you won't be here for Father's Day I'm going to send a peice of lobster up with the balloons.I will post a picture later.I have been looking through you picture's all week Dad and all I do is cry.I wish you could come back to me and the kids we miss you so much.Remember that big Gigantic tree in our yard Dad,well on Thursday Tristan and Felicity were playing outside and Tristan looked at that tree and said,"Look that tree is almost hitting Grandpa"I bet you laughed at that.Felicity see's your picture on the wall and says "oh Grandpa is so cute" and "he love's you so much Mommy and us so much".They will never forget you Dad.They always talk about you and they watch the video's I have of you all the time.

I love this picture of you and the kids Dad.Remeber when we took it,Tristan's Birthday Sept 28th 2004.I wish I would of taken more but the kids wouldn't let me they all took off and you just laughed.Well did you see the guestbook entry Dad from Jackie.Adain(5) wants to marry Felicity,and he gets his Mommy to print off her picture's I send him and puts them in his room,he is so cute.Must be those curls of her's hey Dad.Did you know someone stole Jason's bike on Tuesday,help me find that heartless person Dad.He was so upset and it was during the day too.I don't know how but I cut the grass that day and we were outside all day.Sneaky little theif I tell ya.Poor Jason had to walk to school all week which takes him 30 minute's,but my good friend Diana had one and gave it to him today so he is pretty happy about that which is good timing to cause on Tuesday they are going on a field trip in school and they are riding there bikes.Well that is all for now Dad I could go on but it's getting late plus this update is long enough for now.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, June 18, 2005 8:11 PM CDT

Give 'em a hug, a great big kiss.
Because one day, he will be greatly missed.

My dad has gone far away from this land,
I miss the precious touch of his loving hands.

I never knew last year was the last day,
I could look at my dad, hug him, and say:
"I love you, Dad! Happy Father's Day!"

Don't let one day go by without telling him
how dear he is!
Remember you may not have another year to tell him this!

All I have now is great memories, a heart
full of love and eyes full of tears, and
to remember his love throughout the 34 years.

Now I will have to look up at the stars and
say, "I love you, Daddy! Happy Father's Day!"

Please remember when you pray, to thank your
heavenly father up above.
For your father he gave you with so much love.

"He lived, for Jesus died;
He died, for Jesus Lives."

SO PLEASE PROMISE ME THAT IF YOUR DAD IS STILL WITH YOU
THAT YOU WILL CALL HIM RIGHT NOW OR GO SEE HIM
GIVE A BIG HUG AND TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM!

I REALLY WISH I COULD!

Greatly Missed

A Fathers touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter, You're greatly missed.
An empty house, An empty chair,
A fathers love, No longer there.
A broken heart, Tear filled eye,
Another soul to fill the sky.
Many memories in my mind,
Some I laugh, Some I cry.
The times we shared, The laughs we had,
Things I miss when I think of you Dad.
Realizing that's all I have to hold on too,
Only memories, Of what once was you.
Missing your laugh, I will never again hear.
That is the reality that fills me with so much fear.
No more smile on your face,
No more warmth of your embrace.
The last hug, The last kiss,
The last "goodbye" leaves me with one last wish...
To have you Dad, here today,
Never to leave your Daughter this way.
A Father's touch, A Daddy's kiss,
A grieving Daughter, YOU'RE GREATLY MISSED!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, June 18, 2005 3:52 AM CDT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday June 13, 2005 12:56 AM CDT

Dad I'm missing you so much right now.I just want to talk to you.I went to bed last night and just cried.I have been doing alot of that lately it seems.And I think I will be doing more of it this week.A few weeks ago I had a dream but forgot to post it.In my dream my doorbell rang so I answered the door and there was my Dad.I was so happy I screamed Daddy then I woke up,I ran to the door to see if he was there well he wasn't,I realized it was a dream well all I did was cry it seems so real.
Tristan went to his firstgame yesterday.He had so much fun.He got his picture taken with the cheerleader's and the beer girls.LOL and he's still talking about those beer girls.4 year's old and love's the women.You should see the little grin on his face when he mentions them.It's priceless.I wish you could of been there Dad you would have had a good laugh. Picture's of Tristan's first game on in the album in flip animation so you can see them all.Father's Day is getting closer and my heart is aching more each day with you gone.I know I have your ashes now but's it's just not the same.Dad that little sweet Felicity is getting so big now and I wish you could see her hair Dad,it is so long when it's wet it goes half way down her back.You can't tell the way it curls.Everywhere we go everyone love's her hair.You always loved it too hey Dad saying it's so curly and she is just so beautiful.She misses you so much Dad so does Tristan he says everyday he wishes that you never had to die.It breaks my heart.Jason misses you alot too Dad but he always makes something in school for you.Can you beleive he is going to be 11 on July 1st.Wait till you see the page I'm doing for Dad on Canada Day.The kids will be doing there head shave soon for Cancer soon they are getting pretty excited over that.Jason is almost done school only 3 weeks left then the bugger will be going into grade 6 can you belive that and little Tristan will be starting Kindergarten.And little Fissy will be lost without her little side kick,but then again who know she might be shoving him out the door.anything is prossible.
If I could I would give everyone on Caringbrige a you are so wonderful.You all mean the world to me.I'm so far behind in signingall my guest books.I just have so many to do.But don't worry I will get to you all.I'm going to try and get them all done tonight if I can.Plus I have a new page it's at the bottom in the links.It of my Dad.I'm going to add facts about Hiv there so eveything doesn't have to be on my page.This way it won't take so long to scroll down to my journal entry.So far all I have there is when we were in the newpaper in 1979 the write up.Going to post the picture there too.

Love

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, June 7, 2005 12:56 AM CDT

Added some picture's in the album
I got my Dad's ashes finally with a little trouble from my Brother.But I have him now.I cried going to Vermillion with them.I talked to Dad on the way up there.I also told him to look for Tyler's grandpa.It was a post left in the guest book.So Dad came with me to Suezette's place with me.So that night I put the ashes in the computer room on the shelf so the dog wouldn't get them.Then Suzette came down stairs and goes where did you put your Dad.It was funny.I miss you so much Daddy but having your ashes right now makes you feel so close to me.

Thank-YOu all for your messages.They mean alot.I'm an trying to shake it off now and go on I'm not going to let this person bring me down no more.It bugged me all weekend but afer seeing what you all wrote helped me alot.I love doing what I am doing and I'm going to keep on doing it.I love you all,you are all so great.I just get so emotional over everything,Dad was the same way.

The Graduation was very nice.Jeremy looked so handsome in his suit.I took about 130 picture's.After the cermonies we went back to Suzette's and then Amanda,Kim,Shawn and I took Jeremy to the bar for his first drink.Well let me tell you he drank the first two like water then he had two shots.It was priceless.He had one shooter with whip cream which was all over his face.I told him that he had to be able to walk a straight line when we left so here is Jeremy when we leave he goes see Brenda I can walk a straigh line.It was so funny.See Jeremy is slow with his speech so sometime's it's hard to understand him you really have to Pay Attention as Suzette would say.LOL
When I got there he was just a yapping up a storm.I told Sue that he must like' me to talk that much for she even noticed how much he talks when I'm there.Then the little bugger is always scaring me or trying too.Friday night he kept try to hit me with a ball to scare me which he did a few times.Saturday night when everyone was gone SUzette and Auntie Donna and I took some of the food to the nursing home.This was around 1 am.Then Ted who is 95 years old set off the alarms because he left.Man he is fast.We found him sitting on the ground cause he fell.He is okay though.I got all upset because I felt so bad for him.It's so sad to see these old people get like that.Plus I reminded me of Dad too.

Sunday afternoon I left.I never wanted too.I always have so much fun when I go there.I asked Jeremy if he wanted me to leave and he said not too much.It was so sweet.I love that kid he is so cute.I stopped at my Grandma's again.I love going to see her.She is going into a little apartment soon for it's hard for her.She told me that I was like one of her own kids.She gave me some buns to take home.She is the best cook.I love her baking and cooking.Next time I go there she wants me to take something that reminds me of her for when she leave and before she moves again.That means so much.My Grandma is going to be 85 in October and man does she ever have alot of spunk.Everyone tells here that.She is always doing something or baking for someone.I love you so much Grandma.I kept taking picture's of her.She goes you have enough picture's.I said that I can never have enough.We both laughed.

Tristan was up all night with an earache.Now when kids get them here they don't give them medicine for it and that they should go away in 48 hours.Well I told them I want the medicine.He just had one a couple months ago and was up for 3 days crying.So hopefully he will start feeling better soon.Poor little guy.
Thank-You all so much.

Your Heart
Believe in your heart that
something wonderful is about to happen.
Love your life.
Believe in your own powers,
and your own potential,
and in your own innate goodness.
Wake every morningwith the awe of just being alive.
Discover each day the magnificent,
awesome beauty in the world.
Explore and embrace life in yourself
and in everyone you see each day.
Reach within to find your own ecialness.
Amaze yourself and rouse thosearound youto the potential of each new day.
Don't be afraid to admit
that you are less than perfect;
this is the essence of your humanity.
Let those who love you help you.
Trust enough to be able to take.
Look with hope to the horizon of today,
for today is all we truly have.
Live this day well.
Let a little sun out as well as in.
Create your own rainbows.
Be open to all your possibilities;
all possibilities and Miracles.

Always believe in Miracles.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 12:34 PM CDT

If anyone has a problem with me signing me there guest books please email me.I have been getting nasty email saying that's all I do and dont' look after my family.I do my Dad's page in the evening along with my guestbooks when MY kids are in bed.I left a note in the page's I sign to let them know that my guestbook is now working not for them to come and sign mine.That is all.I don't need no pat on the back for all the guestbooks I sign I do it cause I care.And then they start to knock Jordy down,saying that I'm just like her or that I am her.Well for one Jordy is a 6 year old little girl who signs books because she cares.They took there site down for a reason.I will not say but you know who you are.I Love my Dad and if I want his page to look nice then it will.I'm so hurt right now.I can't believe some people.Then this person tells me not to sign her guestbook anymore but yet they won't tell me which page is there's to stay away from.I have a huge heart maybe that is why I'm crying as I type this,I hate when people are mean to me or other people.It makes me very upset.I hope you all have a good weekend.I'm off to a Graduation.
Well I must say that my dad had to have the biggest heart of any man. He was amazing. I remember times at weddings or just family get tog ethers. Dad always was the center of attention. His kids loved him, his brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, good everyone that met dad loved him. How could you not love this man. OMG dad was so funny and never matter where he was he would do stupid and crazy things. Dad loved to dance and was incredible at it. I know at weddings he would dance the night away and everyone would line up to dance with him. But didn’t have at a wedding for dad to dance. God no. He loved the Emerald’s and one of the BIG hit’s was the “Bird Dance” I’m sure you all heard or even danced it. You would flap your arms like a bird and wiggle your tush. Well there was one time we were heading to my aunt’s in Camrose I think for Easter dinner. There was dad my auntie,me and someone else but can’t remember. Well we got stuck by a train and this song came on the radio. Well dad got the urge to dance. So he opened the door got out , cranked the radio and did the bird dance on the street. There had to be 50 cars behind us watching. Dad would smile with the biggest grin and just dance. He even got my aunt out who was driving to dance. If he had more time I’m sure a few from the other cars would of to….lol.

See Dad danced wherever he could when he could....Mexico 1988

Dad I hope you know how much I love you and long for you to be here with me again.But I know that is not possible.We will met again one day and remember that I will be running to those loving arms of yours for your tender loving care.Then this way I know we will be together forever.I sure can't wait till that day happens to be with you again.I know it's going to be years yet before we met again,Maybe you can meet me in my dreams untill then. I love you so much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, May 30, 2005 1:34 AM CDT

The Memorial for Justin was just beautiful.I went with McKaya's Mom that I had finally meet.She picked me up.Well we were getting behind in time for road blocks and everything.We couldn't find it.Then Jody relized were it was and drove right across the meridian road part.I said that this is for you Justin.That girl is a nut.Then I had the chance to meet McKayla when she drove me home.Man can that little girl let out some major Stinky gas.LOL There were tears and there was laughter.Justin's family has so many happy and precious moments of him.He will always be with them in spirit and in memory forever.I'm going to miss reading about his lastest tricks but now I will read the wonderful Memories about him.Justin had so much drive and determination for life.He lived each minute doing what he wanted to be doing.I never had the chance to meet him but It's like I did know him.Just listening to the stories today and from reading his webpage.He affected me with his joy of life ,His strenght and his courage.In my eyes he will always be my inspiration along with my Dad,Louis and Conor.God may of took our loved ones too soon but we all have amazing gaurdian angels watching over us,keeping us safe the best they can until it's our turn.
Well Dad I guess now God has another comedian up there with you.You Angels are going to have so much fun together.
I miss you Dad and I love you so much.
Tonight putting Tristan to bed he asked me if there was a ladder in Heaven so Grandpa and Louis,Justin and Conor could climb down to come back and see us.Well the little kid just made me cry.He has such an amazing little mind along with Felicity and Jason.Then he said that Justin is with Grandpa now and that Grandpa will look after him.I told him that yes he will.

Dad your never going to belive how Mike plays with the Cat.
Tonight Mike decided to play with Max our(cat).Well Mike put him up on the beams of wood in the basement.Well the little thing took off on him.I was so mad.I told him you better find him for he could get lost of stuck in there.So we were taking our ceiling down in the basement trying to find the poor little thing.We called him and everything and we could here him meow or nothing.This went on for 2 hours.Finally we looked again and there was Max sleeping up there.Well the kids were jumping up and down waiting for Daddy to get there cat down,and they told him don't do that again.Needless to say that Mike was scared for the kitty too so he won't be playing him like that again.Max that silly kitten is the kind that when your sleeping I won't meow or nothing to let you know where you are.He does that upstairs and the kids just go crazy looking for him.The other day we found him behind a dresser that he crawled under and it wasn't untill I moved it to get a blanket from the closet that I found the little bugger.

Dad I hope you know how much I love you and long for you to be here with me again.But I know that is not possible.We will met again one day and remember that I will be running to those loving arms of yours for your tender loving care.Then this way I know we will be together forever.I sure can't wait till that day happens to be with you again.I know it's going to be years yet before we met again,Maybe you can meet me in my dreams untill then. I love you so much.
Love Always

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, May 29, 2005 12:00 AM CDT

It is with a sad heart that God has another Angel.Justin Ireland lost his fight and is now in heaven with the Angels.Please stop by his page and send his family prayers.He was an amzing young man who fought right till the end.He was 17 years old.
October 1, 1987 to May 25, 2005
Justin funeral is on Sunday which I will be attending with McKaya's Mom Jody.Take care everyone and have a good weekend.

JUSTIN

It's now been 5 months since I last seen your precious face Dad,your smile,heard your laughter,held your hand just everything.I miss you so much.When will this pain go away.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my Dad and wish he was still here with me and our family. I know that my mind wishes that he was still here by my heart could never want him here to suffer even 1 more second then he did already. Watching my Dad in the hospital dying was and is the hardest thing that I will ever have to encounter in my life time. Watching him waste away and not being able to hear him speak from being so weak was so heart breaking. I don’t know how many tears I shed in the 6 weeks my Dad was hospitalized but I’m sure it would of filled a medium sized lake. My Dad wasn’t able to eat or drink for the final 4 weeks he was in hospital. He speaking was minimal due to the Asperation pnemonia. We did share many great memories during his stay in hospital.

I finally got my Kitten we call him Max.The kids still say bunny.They miss there bunnies but they love there new kitten.Dad always loved cats for we always had one in the house growing up.He likes my computer desk that is where he is sitting in this picture.He also sleeps there .LOL

My Dad raised 3 kids on his own from the year 1974 and fought to keep us as Social Services tried to remove us from his care when Maria ( Mother) decided to leave us. Dad was a R.N.A at Vegreville’s General Hospital. He took so much pride in his job and career and even more for his children. When my mother left my dad was a nervous wreck. He would worry about coming home and find us kids gone being taken from him by welfare . Well that never happened. Yes Dad did have to put us in foster care a couple times but due to health reasons. Our first home was with the Mays family in Tofeild Alberta. It was a short stay there as Dads heart was breaking and he wanted us home. The second home was the Mytrunec family in Mannville, Alberta. There it was for 6 months but the best 6 months of my life. There I was taught about country living that is such a great part of my life and there’s nothing better then that. Bill and Jenny were great and awesome people and dad loved them with all his heart. They have taken in so many foster kids it’s unbelievable. They were and are known as Grandpa and Grandma to this day and always will be. Dad knew we safe and well taken care of there. Well lets face it how many people can say that were in foster care that they still have ties with their foster parents even after 27 years. I bet not many but Bill and Jenny have such of love for kids and it came so naturally just like dads love the way that a parents love should be.It has been 8 years since Grandpa has passed away.I miss him so much.He was such a fun loving Grandpa.I remember when Grandpa would let me take the truck and burn dounuts in the field.LOL that was so much fun,and when I backed the trunk into a tree and Grandpa said don't tell your Grandma.Well I never did until after he passed.Grandma and I just laughed. 5 years later I decided to live with my Grandma and Grandpa again when I was in grade 8 and 9.Dad was with Elsie at the time who I still love dearly.Dad sent us to our Mom my sister and I for Belinda wanted to live with Mom.I never wanted to but Dad never wanted to split us up for we were twins.I lived with her for a year.Then I had to be back with my Dad I missed him so much.Then two years later Belinda wanted to live with Mom again so again I had to go.At this time Brent was causing alot of problems for them.I was living with my Mom at the time and we just never got along.I wanted to live with Dad again but he was still having alot of problems with my brother so I decided to go live with my Grandma again.I travelled back and forth to see Dad those 2 years I was with Grandma and Grandpa.And I wouldn't change that for anything.My Grandma means the world to me and the best one a person could ask for.My Dad's Mom passed away before we were born so Jenny is the only Grandma I have.I was just visiting my Grandma on Wednesday after the funeral.She gave me some bread for home.She is always so happy to see me for I am the only one that still keeps in touch with her.I love her with all my heart.Dad thank you so much for bring her into my life and my kids lives.She means so much to me.As I know she meant alot to you too.
Dad I hope you know how much I love you and long for you to be here with me again.But I know that is not possible.We will met again one day and remember that I will be running to those loving arms of yours for your tender loving care.Then this way I know we will be together forever.I sure can't wait till that day happens to be with you again.I know it's going to be years yet before we met again,Maybe you can met me in my dreams till then. I love you so much.
Love Always

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, May 19, 2005 11:17 PM CDT

Sitting here crying.The bunny was at the door jumping.Then I heard a dam cat.Well it was too late.It killed our last bunny.It died in my hand.If only I got to the door sooner.I'm devastated.I can't seem to stop My kids are going to be so choked and probably mad at me too.Now there are no bunnies left.

Well the prayer service for Louis was done really nice.The priest was really good.What an emotional two days.And here is Suzette worried about me having to sit by myself cause My Dad's passing was so fresh.She felt bad for me.I told her I was fine.She is just an amazing cousin.She is truly my Rock and has been since Dad died.I don't know what I would do without her.Anyways being at the funeral did bring back lots of memories of Dad but I got through the whole thing okay because I had Suzette there for me.Now about her family all they did was give me the glare down like why are you here.Well on Tuesday it never bothered me but on the day of the funeral on Wednesday after we left the cemetary and went to the hall I couldn't handle it anymore.I was so upset.They just stared with that look of get out of here you don't belong here.Well I was crying I couldn't stop I just wanted to leave.I tried to be strong but couldn't hold it in any more.Suzette said they are always like that and that make's me feel bad for her to for they leave her out of alot of things I think and that's not fair.Suzette will do anything for you and she shouldn't be treated like that at all.Amanda Jay and Dan.I love them all and I would bend over backwards for any of them.Suzette said I would probably be the gossip for the family after I leave and Amanda said I could make headlines in the paper.I had to laugh at that.I think another reason I got so emotional was because of my Dad,Suzette and her family losing her Step Dad and there grandfather.I just felt so bad for them.I'm so glad I was there though for them.Like they were for me.All they kept telling me was thanks for coming and Suzette was really glad I came.I told here that is what family is for.She gave me a yellow rose to take home as a thank-You.She is awesome.
Dad I know you were there in spirit and was beside me the whole way.Life just stinks around here without you Dad.I still can't believe you are really gone.Almost coming to the 5 month mark since you left and it hurts so bad.Being at the funeral made me realize just how much I missed you.Then I start to think maybe things could of been different.Brent is not helping matter's much either.That's my brother.He has me really upset for he said he is not giving me Dad's ashes at the end of May unless I give him.2 hundred dollars,for he is telling everyone he paid for everything which is not true at all.He got the donuts and My Auntie is giving him a check back for that now that the Money from Dad's estate is all done.Then he said he paid for the memory cards which were done for free.Just everything.I was so upset last week I was shaking.So I phoned my sister to tell her and she called him and told him off so I will be getting the ashes at the end of the month.But without the paper that is supposed to stay inside for he thinks I will go and spread Dad's ashes without him.Well for one we are supposed to be doing that in August after Jason's Wedding that Dad really wanted to attend,so I thought that would be a good time.Now Brent is not going for I will be there so we aren't going so I'm not going to do that without them there.It is a family thing.So I told my sister to tell Brent that I guess we won't be spreading Dad's ashes untill he grows up which I think will be awhile.See Brent is the one who is telling everyone that Dad died in his arms.He wasn't even there.I don't know why he is saying this but that really hurts me.I hate liars and my brother is a very good one at that.But I'm still scared for I know he will tell his roomate to tell us that he is not home.My cousin Darren doesn't even talk to me anymore and I know it's because of Brent's lies.I'm just so choked at everything right now I just want to run a way and never come back.Sorry for making this update so long I just had to get my feelings out .There is alot more I want to say but I will save it for my next entry.Memories of Dad is what it's going to be of.

Dad Tristan made a wish the other day and you know what he wished.He wished that you never died.Well I just started to cry.We miss you so much Dad.And love you with all our hearts.Can you believe that that little stinker will be starting kindergarten this year Dad.I know you are up there just a chucking right now.I Love you DAD.

I don't know what happened to My Jordy's page.It is gone.

Love Always

Suzette's Loving StepDad.He has qualities just like my Dad.They were both loving and always there for there family.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 11:57 PM CDT

Well just want you all to know that I'm home.Today was a very emotional day.I am exhasted so I will update tomorrow sometime.Thank-You all for your love and support.
Dad I thought of you today.And everyday.I miss you so much.Today was very hard for me.I couldn't keep my emotions under control today at all.Suzette was amazing a usual Dad.I love her so much.She is not only my Favorite Cousin but she is my Rock.I will tell you why when I update .I love you so much Dad,missing you bunches.

Suzette,Dan,Amanda & Jay

Auntie Donna & Family

Love Always,

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 2:28 PM CDT

Well I'm leaving today to Suzette's to attend the funeral.Prayer Services are tonight at 8 and the funeral is at 1:30 tomorrow. Mike got the day off So I will be back tomorrow sometime.Thank-You for all your prayers.

I promise you all I will get back to signing the guestbooks soon.I feel so bad for not signing any in the last two weeks.Alot has been going on here the last few days with my Brother.I will update you all when I get back.I have been an emotional wreck.Thanks for all your prayers for Suzette she really appricate's all your love and support.

Jordy Suzette says thank-you for all your prayer's and she thanks you all for your support.I just talked to her and she is doing fine.Holding her own.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, May 12, 2005 3:42 AM CDT

I have some bad news today.My cousin Suzette the one that was with me in the Hospital with my Dad.Her Step Dad went into the Hospital Thrusday and he passed away today,which would be friday.They had him on IV and stuff.Well I guess Suzette said he was just like my Dad before he passed away with the meds.But he coded this morining and they brought him back.Then they stopped his meds and he was gone.Please says some prayer's for my Cousin Suzette she is so amazing and caring.I just met her while my Dad was in the Hospital and she was always there for me taking time off work to be here with me.She needs all the support right now.I'm crying right now,I wish I could be there for her like she was with me.I'm going to try and make it down for the funeral which will be this week sometime.Thank-You

FOR YOU SUZETTE I LOVE YOU!

This background took me forever to make.It's of all the color's of the HIV bracelts that you can get.I had to add them all and make some small one by one.Hope you like it.

This is for you Dad for your fight with HIV.I LOVE YOU DAD!

I am in tears right now.I went outside to feed the last bunny and the other two where in there cage .Well they were making noise so I checked on them.Well there was only one in there.so I looked around on my deck and there it was just laying there.Not even moving.I went over to it and it is still breathing but not by much.Her eyes are open so I don't know if she tried to jump out of the cage and got hung up or what.Mike thinks it's just cold but I told him look at it,It's not moving.I have it in the house now in a blanket.Hoping it will recover.There is no blood or anything so I don't think a cat got it or anything.And I just finished feeding them and they were hoping all over the house so I just don't know.It's going to be hard to tell the kids in the morning what happened if it dies.I will keep you updated.My kids are going to be so devestated.

The Bunny Max is gone to Heaven.

I'm glad you all like my new site.I still have lots to add in there but it's coming along.Remember if any of you want to be added just let me know.I putting all the links that I used to have on my page before on there plus some.It sure takes awhile to do that.

I have been so worn out lately it's not even funny.I think staying up till 4am and getting up at 8 is starting to wear on me.And look I'm still up.

I want to thank Helen Cutecraiggy's mom for getting me my purple aids bracelt,I just love it.Now I have 3 of them and I never take them off either.Going to get the purple on engraved with Dads year of birth.And then the white one with the year and day that he passed on it.

I can't believe Dad had been gone for almost 5 months it feels like forever.And Father's Day is starting to creep up on us too and my Dad's Birthday also.Those 2 days are going to be so hard.Plus at the end of the month it my turn to have my Dad's ashes so that will be a crying time.I almost don't want to spread them I would just like to keep them but he wants them spread on our baby Brother Jason's grave so that is what we are going to do.I thinks we are doing that in August at my cousin's wedding.When Dad was in the Hospital he kept saying that he wasn't going to make it to the wedding it broke my heart,but he will be there.

Like my new siggie.It's of all the bracelts I have.

LOVE ALWAYS

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, May 7, 2005 2:57 PM CDT

Monday,May 9,2005

Hi Everyone,
Remember how we had to remove all our links.Well I'm making my own web page with my links and the kids pics on who to visit.They will be the ones that I always vist not my whole list.That is just too many of them.I started this a few days ago but it will take me about a week I think to finish.There will be my Caringbridge friends and then the Angels..

I would like to add all my regulars to my page.If you would like your child added let me know and for my regulars let me know if you don't want to be added..

The link will be on my page somewhere for everyone to go to.I will probably put it right before my Journal entry.I will even put the kids pages that I have done so you can all see my work.And guess who is at the top of my list.My Jordy.She is so sweet I want everyone to visit her she is 6 with the biggest heart you can every imagine.She sends prayer's to everyone.
I hope everyone had a good Mother's Day.Thank you all for sending your blessing here.They are so uplifting.
I did some crying yesterday for Dad for he would always call me on Mother's Day but I got through it.Now the tough one is going to be my first Father's Day without my Dad.I got my guestbook shrunk so it won't take so long to load.You too can do this just let them know and they will put another link to your page like mine and when it gets full let them know again and they will archive it for you.This way the pages aren't taking to long to get into.
Well that is all for now Felicity is calling me to play so I will update more later.

Sunday,May 8 2005

Well I have some bad news for you all.I won't be signing any books this week.I just finished signing all 600 for Mother's Day and my hand is very sore.It's numb.I think I'm getting carpal tunnell.I need to give it a rest.Please don't be mad.I will sign next week again.I think I need to go through my list and cut it down a bit .But that is so hard to do.Everytime I sign I always get about 5 more.Don't forget you are all in my prayers.Jordy I will still come and see you and my regulars I will sign just not all 600.

Saturday, May 7, 2005

I Hope everyone has a Good Mother's Day.I don't think we are doing much around here with the kids.
My Dads raspberry bushes are really starting to come up now.Even one's that I thought were gone are starting to.I'm so glad.I got all my picture's that I wanted to scan and now my scanner is not working properly.Won't let me scann for some reason.I will get is working though.Somehow,this happened before and I can't remember what I did.
The other day I spilled pop all over my keyboard.I thought I wrecked it so I took everykey off the clean it for the keys were all so sticky.Now my space bar is sticking really bad.It's so frustrating.
My Auntie Susie phoned me the other day.I was surprized to talk to her.She was just wondering how I was doing.She is so nice.She doesn't check Dad's site anymore though for she has dial up and a very slow computer to begin with so.
The other day I had a partial dream.I wasn't right asleep yet.Well my doorbell rang in my dream and I went to answer it and Dad was standing at my door.Well I sat up right in bed.And then I just sat there and cried.I never wanted to the dream to be over,but it was.Why did I have to wake up?

I miss you Dad,please come to my dreams again and don't let me wake up this time.
I have to run for now I have more to say here about Dad but the kids are wanting me so I will have to put it in the nest update.
Take Care everyone.

Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, April 30, 2005 3:35 AM CDT

I want to thank you for all your support.You are all so great.This past week I have really been missing Dad again but you all have helped me alot.This is where I come to let my feelings out for I know I have all your support on my good days and my bad days.So I just want to say,

Wait till you all see the new siggie's I have made for the guestbooks.I even made a special Mother's Day one tonight for the them.I want to tell you all that if you want to use one of my siggie's that I have posted in a guestbook just let me know.I have seen them posted by other's after they have been posted by me.I don't mind you taking them just ask first please.ANd make sure that I haven't posted them anywhere first.They take me some time to make.Thanks.

I can't believe the months are going by so fast.Soon it's going to be Christmas again the way there going.
It has been snowing here for the last 2 days now.

I hate it when it snow cause then the kids are miserable for they can't go outside.And trust me they have been driving me bonker's.But I love them.

My little sweetheart Jordy got a new doll and named it My Brenda.She is the cutest little thing and she has such a big heart.She prays for everyone.If you have a chance go by her site.My Jordy She will be so happy to have you stop by.

Like the new page.It took me forever to get the background up.Man I was getting mad already.LOL
I was just not thinking on what I was doing that's why it took me so long.3 hours later and it's up.I'm thinking maybe cats or horses next time.Dad loved all animals.So I guess we will see.

I'm going to try and get some new picture's scanned this weekend to put up.So keep an eye out .I will post to let you all know.I will only put about 30 this time and not so many.I'm also going to put the video of Dad on here when he was in the hospital asking DOnnie for his Lobster..It's pretty funny.Then you will all get to see him.Don't worry this he was on the oxygen.Well I should get to bed for it's 3 am and my kids will be up soon.Have a great week everyone.

I miss you Dad and remember that I will ALWAYS LOVE YOu.
I LOVE YOU DAD!

BRENDA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 25, 2005 10:10 PM CDT

I don't mind other's using my graphics that I put in the guestbooks just let me know and make sure that I haven't posted them there.And if anyone wants me to make them some just email me and I will be happy too.I will update soon.

I can't beleive it has been 4 months since I've seen my Dad or held his hand.How I miss him so much.This weekend was hard.I wanted to talk to him so bad.I just want to see my Daddy so bad.As the days go by it seems harder sometime's.The Raspberry bush that you planeted in my yard last summer Dad is starting to bloom again.And when I see that bush all I can see is you out there digging that hole.You were so happy doing that for me.I'm scared though for we are getting a new deck and I'm afraid it's going to get wrecked.I will have to put some kind of pail around it.For it they wreck it I will be so devastated.It's the only thing in my yard of my Dad.And when we move from here That bush will be coming with me Dad that's for sure.I plan on scanning some new picture's of Dad on the weekend so look on Monday.The kids are really missing there Grandpa.Felicity told me to drop her off at Heaven so she could visit him and to pick her up later.I told her that I can't take her to Heaven but I could show her video's of Grandpa and picture's.Well she said she would walk there then.It broke my heart.They long for there Grandpa like I do.Thank-You all for you kind words in the guestbook.You all seem to make me smile and some tears too.But they are Happy tears for the way I make all your kids Happy when I sign your page or do your new backgrounds.That always brings a smile to my face.Well that is all for now I will be back soon.The bunnies are starting to get fat.They are now drinking 3 times a day at about 4 tsp each.Soon they will be eating then look out for they will grow fast then.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:04 PM CDT

Hello Everyone,

Oh I'm so excited I'm going to go get my ring tonight.They phoned me and it is done.I can't wait.

The name and Date are on it put I can't get it in the picture for it's too small.

I hope everyone is having a good day and will have a good weekend. Well lets see here.Yesterday the kids and I were going to get a slurpee and a treat.For it was really hot outside.Well I backed out of my drive way and oh my god I seen the little baby bunnies.So I got out of the van to go see.Well I looked and I ran over two of them.I felt so bad.My kids are mad at me for running the bunnies over but the were right under my tier.They never ran when we got into the Van so I never even knew they were there.So now I have two baby bunnies here.Wild one of course.Well Felicity hasn't put hers down untill she fell asleep.And the mommy bunny was out there last night by my Van so I told the kids that tonight we will have to give them back to there Mommy.Well Felicity is right mad now.So that should be interesting.Now the kids say make sure there are no bunnies under the van when you leave and why did you run them over.Then tonight Tristan found another Bunny so we called him Miracle and the other two are called Max and Ruby.

Then last night I went to Jason's spring concert which by the way was really good.Dad you would of been so proud of him.I know how much you enjoyed the concertsBut I know you were there with your head held high.I sure miss you Dad.I don't know what it is but I know just the summer alone is going to be hard.I miss you not here enjoying the sun,findinding things to do in my yard.Picking weeds .We are getting our new deck too Dad finally on May long weekend I can't wait.

Some heartless person last night keyed my new van man was I ever mad.I went to the store after Jason's Concert and there was a yellow Jeep parked beside me.Well we get back out and now I have a huge key mark going down the side of it.And the jerk had lots of room to get out I don't know what there problem is.I think it was young punks.But let me tell you I will be looking for that van next time I go there and if I see it I'm going to wait until they come out and give them a peice of my mind.

Worked on another little girls page the other day,Boy do I ever love doing those.It's so much fun.I want to do more so if you want your page don't just give me a shout and I will be happy to do it for you.I have two in the works right now just waiting for there info.Well Helen called me too the other night.It is cute craiggy's mom.Was it ever nice to talk to her.She is such a nice person.And don't worry Helen your page is in the works just trying to find the right Angel for the page.I going to try and get Dad's new page done tonight too.Butterflies.

Well I have to run for now.I will be back soon.And Thank-you every one for keeping me in your thoughts.I love you all. Oh if you have a chance go visit my Jordy she is such a little sweetheart and she loves getting new people stopping by her page.
http://www3.caringbridge.org/mo/memerobin/
She is a doll.She calls me her Brenda .well she says my Brenda.I love that little sweetheart so much.I just wished we lived closer so I could visit her.And visit all you wonderful families.

Take Care

Lots of Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday,April 16,2005 12:50

GOING TO UPDATE TOMORROW SOMETIME> NOW WHAT TILL YOU HEAR THIS ONE!!!

Can you all believe I signed all 520 guestbooks today.

WAIT TILL YOU READ THIS!!!!!!

Well what a scare My friend and I had tonight.
Mike and the kids and I went to Tammy's house.And the kids were playing with these toys we got them.There like flying ufo's there really cool.Anyways A car stops us and asked if we seen a little girl on a red bike with a yellow coat.Well I started to tear up.For just last week a 13 year old Nina here was beaten to death.By some 17 and 16 and a 34 year old.Well anyways,I asked the Mom how long she has been gone for and she said like 3 hours.Well Tammy and I jumped in the car and helped her look for her.We drove all over the place.Them Mom phoned the cops and we stopped at her house to see what she looked like when the cops were there.Well I was crying I was so scared for this little girl who was 8.So Tammy and I drove by parks and everything and stopped everyone to see if anyone has seen her.We drove for about an hour.Then we drove by this one park one last time and I said Tammy look there are some kids there.Then I noticed the yellow Jacket.Tammy thought no cause in her picture her hair was dark but her Mom told me that they streaked it blonde.So I told Tammy that And we yelled out the window saying is your name Kristy she said yes.Well then I said you get you butt home for you Mom is looking for you and so are the cops.So we followed her home.Well I think we scared the poor little thing for she was in tears.Then the Mom her name is Brenda too she came outside and gave us a big hug.And said we were her angels.
SO later on in the evening we went back there and gave Kristy a stuffed animal for we felt so bad for her.And Brenda said thank-you again your my Angels.SO we talked to her for a bit.Then I found out that her Boyfriend is a cousin to the 13 year old Nina that was found.So that freaked her MOm out even more when she couldn't find her.My sister and my Neice both knew Nina she was such a pretty girl.She wanted to be a model.Her parents never knew she was missing untill they saw her clothes on the news.They do alot of Crack I guess.From what I'm told so that is why they never knew.Nina was always hanging around at the mall and that is where she met those boys.Well they told her they were going to go to a party and then they took her to a golf course and beat her to death and that's it.So when Brenda told me that Kristy was missing for 3 hours before she went looking for her pissed me right off.You don't let your kid go play and then go looking for them 3 hours later.Especially not an 8 year old and not in this city.Man what is wrong with some of these parents.But I'm glad that we found her safe and now she is home again.Thank-You Dad for helping us find her.Your my Angel now I'm Kristy and Brenda's Angel for finding her.
Then today Sunday a Mom and her 8 month old baby fell.She trip on the rocks with her sandals.Well 5 people walked by and do you think anyone of them stopped to help.Oh of course not.So I stopped and helped her.I held her little boy while she got up and fixed her shoe.She's okay though.Thank goodness.I can't believe some people now a days.Fissy said the cutest thing the other day but this entry is long enough so I will put it in my next update.

I get alot of people saying that Dad looked like a movie star.I know hey he was such a hottie back in those days.LOL Women must of been lining up to date him.Well you should see the picture of him walking down the street.I will have to post it.Dad you are my Movie Star you were such a handsome man.I Love You.
Well it's a beautiful day here today.The kids are outside
playing on the deck enjoying the warm weather.Dad would of
loved to be outside today he
was what we call a sun worshiper he loved it.Every one
thought he was from Hawaii or somewhere else cause he was
always so dark.

Well I want to thank you all for your continued support
and for coming to Dad's page.You all say that I'm doing
Dad proud on his site and keeping his Memory alive but you also keep it alive by stopping in.I love going into the guestbook and reading all the wonderful entries.They always bring tears to my eyes.I also love reading on how happy I'm making your kids smile when I sign yourguestbooks.I had on little girl saying she misses my siggie's well I don't forget about any of you it just take's me a little longer now for I sign so many.So don't worry I will get to your page.

I worked on QueenMaddy's page last night.Her Mom was sohappy.I brought tears to her eyes.This is what she
emailed me.Oh my goodness Brenda...ITS BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I'm balling...it is better than I thought it would be!!!! Its exactly what I wanted for my little girl!Thank you so much for doing this for me! It means more
than you could know!!!

I loved doing her page for her.They are going to Disneyland on Tuesday.Man I wish I was going there.Ifyou want to see her page and
wish her well here is her link.
QueenMaddy's Site
I also finished her brother's site.His is pretty cool here is his link.
Superethans's Site
I love making backgrounds and adding the songs.So if any of you want me to do one for me just send me an email and I will be happy to do it for you.

I love making all these special kids smile.It makes my day to help you all in everyway I can.I will be working on
her Brother's site tonight.She is such a little sweetheart.Another little sweetheart is Jordy.I love reading her entries to me.She emailed me a picture of her new bed.She is so cute.Well Suzette you are so funny.I love the entry you put inthe guestbook.You always make me smile when you sign
Dad's page.This is what shewrote to me if you can't find it.I love you Suzette.

It was funny watching you try newthings on the weekend.Can you guys believe brenda has never had pancakes withwhipped cream and strawberries or bacon on a chicken burger?!! You're too funnyBrenda. Love you lots

Well Dad I know that your proud of me.Making all thesechildren so happy and bringing a smile to there face.I
know you would do the samething.You always loved kids and the elderly that is whatmade you such an awesome nurse and an awesome Dad.Youwill forever be in my heart always.I will never forget all the love you gave to me and that you still give to me.I love you Dad.
Dad's your next background is going to be ofbutterflies.I know you liked them too,but then again there wasn't anything that I can thinkof that you didn't like,beside's being sick and in theHospital.I know you tried your hardest to stay here but God had other plans for you.I know that you are putting smile's on everyone's face up therein Heaven especially the children.
I have been looking for one in memory of Dad and I finallyfound one at Ben Moss Jewellery.It's so nice.It's going
to have his name on one sideand the year and day he died on the other.I wanted to putboth on it but you can only put one.It is also going to have his birthstone.I can't waitto get it.Should be here in a coulple of weeks.Here is what it is going to look like but in gold.I'm also gettingthe genuine ruby in it too.

Here is a tip for you all.You know when you are going tosign a guestbook and sometime's it take's awhile to
download the whole thing well all
you do is click your stop button and the page is done right now.Pretty cool hey.It's the little red x button on your browser.It works for me everytime.ALL

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 11, 2005 11:49 PM CDT

Chris sent me this song and it makes me cry everytime I hear it.It's called "In Loving Memory"
What a weekend.I had a good time at Suzette's.It was so peaceful.Friday on the way up there I was listening to my Cd and cryed alot thinking about Dad.Had Daddy's Hands song just cranked up loud.LOL.Then the tears came,but I'm okay.Just relax on Friday.Then on Saturday we made some Strawberry jam and some buns.Those are yummy.Brittany came over to visit me.I used to babysit her.She is now 19.My kids out there are all grown up.Makes me sad and also makes me feel old.Sunday Amanda and I went shopping with Suzette to get lunch for the school.Suzette makes hot lunches so we did that then took the grocery's to the school to drop them off.Then we made supper.Her son Jay came home early which was nice for I wanted to see him.He was camping with his grad 12 class.He is so funny.And he is always scaring me.I keep telling him that one of these days he's going to get a good scare.Amanda's butt is healing really good.Poor girl and the burnt butt.I kept bugging her that I was going to take a picture and put it on ebay.Then after I ate supper I went to see my Grandma and she gave me another 3 dozen perogies.And she gave me 7 the last time I was there so I have lots now.My grandma's son just passed away on the 29th of March so she is taking that pretty hard.He had a heart desease.Tommy was such a nice man.I remember when I had Felicity and I was at Grandma's and Tommy was there.Well he took her and off to the living room they went.He held her the whole time.He was such a wonderful father and friend and he will be greatly missed by everyone.I got my bracelt engraved on Thursday with the name Dad on it.Now I want to get two more of them for his Birthday on one and they day he passed on the other.So I think I will go tomorrow and do that.I only wish they had purple for that is my favorite color and they never get purple.Make's me so mad.Oh well what can I do.And I'm also getting a ring.I have been looking for one in memory of Dad and I finally found one at Ben Moss Jewellery.It's so nice.It's going to have his name on one side and the year and day he died on the other.I wanted to put both on it but you can only put one.It is also going to have his birthstone.I can't wait to get it.Should be here in a coulple of weeks.Here is what it is going to look like but in gold.

I'm also getting the genuine ruby in it too.I can't believe it has almost been four months since Dad has been gone it seems like alot longer.I miss him more and more everyday.Not a single day goes by that I don't say his name or think about him.I told Suzette a few good stories about Dad.Like about my cat Misty she would play fetch and one day she kept trying to get up on the entertainment center and Dad would constantly be telling her no.So I told Dad lets let her go up there and she want she wants.So I put her up there and what does she get put a piece of paper Dad had thrown up there 3 months before and she got it .Man did we ever laugh.Dad was amazed at how smart that cat was.It was too funny.

I'm also feeling bad today because I barely signed any books today but don't you worry everyone I will be signing tomorrow for sure.I was just so busy here with the kids today.Plus I had a teacher interview today too.I remember when my list was only 200 kids now it's like 500 so instead of signing every second day I sign like once a week because it take's me a week to sign them all.But I love doing it.I also had someone email me to add them to my list.So now it's 501 lol.Well I should get going I want to do a new background for Dad's page and I haven't decided on what yet.So I hope you all have a good week and I will talk with you all agian very soon.Take Care.

Here is a tip for you all.You know when you are going to sign a guestbook and sometime's it take's awhile to download the whole thing well all you do is click your stop button and the page is done right now.Pretty cool hey.It's the little red x button on your browser.It works for me everytime.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 11, 2005 1:36 AM CDT

Well I'm back,but I'm tierd so I will update tomorrow for you all have to get Felicity to bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, April 8, 2005 9:35 AM CDT

This is not just for a child but for anyone who has lost someone I think.

Do's and Don'ts
By Mary Cleckley, Atlanta, Ga Copyright 1981

If you are reading in an effort to better understand and support someone you care about who has lost a child, it is hopeful that the following will aid you to become better informed about their needs:

DO: accept the simple fact that it is not possible for you to say things that will make the bereaved parent feel better. This acceptance will enable you to stop when you become tempted to utter cliches that you have heard all of your life that are intended to comfort, but in reality they don't accomplish this. Do know that when you make the initial call, the bereaved parent does not expect you to be able to take their hurt away, or to fully understand the depth of their despair and pain.

DON'T: say "I know how you feel" unless you, yourself, have experienced the loss of a child. Though it is possible for you to empathize with them, the death of their child cannot be compared to the loss of your parents, brother, sister, uncle, aunt, grandfather, grandmother or dog. This is not to say you haven't experienced pain with these losses, but they are different losses. Bereaved parents have trouble accepting "I know how you feel" from anyone other than another bereaved parent.

DO: feel free to touch them, to hug and cry with them if these expressions are appropriate to your relationship with the parent. Tell them that you care about their pain and that you are sorry their child died. A simple hug can say more than a thousand words.

DON'T: impose your personal religious beliefs, nor offer as solace "this was God's will". You should be careful how you represent God, His wishes and plans when dealing with the bereaved. Some parents accept the loss of their child as being the will of God. This belief is right for them. It comforts and enables them to better cope with their loss. Other bereaved parents, even though they have had faith over the years that has been a source of strength, may now have trouble with their relationship with God. They might be in the process of reevaluation how they feel about some aspects of their religious beliefs. They might be troubled now because they did have such a strong faith and relied on God to keep their loved ones safe. They might be deeply angry with God for having failed them, for allowing this death to happen. It might take a long time to work through this anger to sort out their emotions. Parents need to be able to admit and express their anger at God if it is there, without being judged. They need the time and freedom to decide what they now believe. What you believe is not important. How they feel and their right to feel that way is important.

DO: tell them that you don't understand the WHY of it either. Those "Why's" especially the unanswerable ones, are difficult for many parents to deal with. They need to be able to ask WHY, and to have time to accept there might never be an answer.

DON'T: think you are complimenting them by telling them "how well" they're doing a few months down the road. They're not doing well. Their child has died and inside they feel they are dying too. You would feel the same if it were your child. You may feel more comfortable dealing with them if they're "doing well", but trying to rush them through the grief process doesn't work and it angers them to sense that you don't understand their pain, the length and depth of it, and are expecting more from them then they're capable of early in their grief.

DO: allow the grieving parent to express their feelings, if they have that need. The pain involved in letting go, the anger, frustration and guilt are all a part of the normal grieving process, leaving them empty and without purpose for a long time. Allow them to tell you how they feel. Don't tell them how you think they should feel. They just need you to listen. You aren't expected to be able to take away the hurt or to have all the answers. Talking and crying about the loss are the first steps toward recovery for some. After they have cried and talked about their loss enough, they are then free to go on to the next step in the recovery process. Your willingness to listen helps them, and isn't that your ultimate goal? Encourage them to be patient with themselves when they grow discouraged with their slow progress.

DON'T: impose "shoulds" or "should nots". There are no rules and regulations, nor are there right and wrong ways to grieve. There is your way and my way, and though they may be totally different, neither is wrong. Society, over the years has tried to impose its own rules, rules often drawn to make it easier for society to cope with the threat of someone else's loss. You may think you know exactly how you would react if your child should die, but you would be amazed to find that the rules that once seemed so appropriate no longer apply. There are as many ways of expressing grief as there are people expressing it..

DON'T: impose time limits on their grief. "Isn't it time you were getting over this and going on with your life" can be one of the most painful questions a grieving person can hear. Depending upon the relationship, it takes not weeks and months to adjust, but sometimes years. You need to know and understand this. "It may threaten you to learn that the hurt goes on for such a long time, but you offend the bereaved even more when you insinuate they have a choice. The truth of the matter is, no one "gets over" the loss of a child. They try to adjust and live with the loss. Parents who go through the trauma of having a child die do not come through the experience without having changed in many ways. A part of them died when their child died, and it might take years for them to recognize some of these changes. Their new reactions to old situations take them totally by surprise. Each person has his own time frame for recovery. Allow them that freedom

DO: mention their child by name. It is comforting for bereaved parents to know that others remember their child, too. Some people avoid mentioning the child's name for fear it will remind the parent of their loss. For a long time the parents can think of nothing but their loss, so that shouldn't be a worry for you. If tears come, then they needed to cry, and the tears may be tears of gratitude that you have given them the opportunity to share their child with you. If you have a good memory of their child, share it. It will make their day. A parent's greatest fear is that no one will remember their child, and if the child's name is never mentioned, or the subject avoided, it is a natural conclusion. Why should you , whose children are alive, have the right to reminisce about the past, while those, whose child is dead, are denied that right? Memories are all that parents have left and those memories did not die with their child.

DON'T: turn away if you unexpectedly come upon the parents. Most parents are aware you have chosen not to "see" them. Can you imagine going to the grocery store, as painful as that already is, and having several people pretend they don't see you? Can you imagine how distressing this would be? Why not, instead, approach them openly, tell them that you have been thinking of them and ask them how they are doing. Acknowledge their loss, don't pretend it didn't happen.

DON'T: try to find something positive about their child's death. If there is anything positive about the death, the parents will have to find it in their own time. If you are tempted to point out such things as "closer family ties," or their child is "in a better place", or "it will make the marriage stronger", don't do it. Parents hear this time and time again. It doesn't help, and instead may cause bitterness. Many marriages do not make it through the loss of a child and closer family ties are not always the outcome.

DON'T: remind them that they should be grateful they have other children. Children are not interchangeable. Each has his own special place, and no one child can fill the void left by another's death. You need to be aware that for a while, the parents sometimes lose their ability to nurture their surviving children. You can help by giving these children a little extra attention until life at home is on a more even keel. Siblings often feel very much alone and bewildered when the structure of their family has fallen apart.

DO: know that it is difficult for the newly bereaved to reach out to you for help. Grieving is emotionally and physically draining. Just getting through the day might take more energy then they have. Let the family know you are available to be with them if it would be comforting. Conversely, when you invite the parents over, be sure to give a specific date, instead of leaving the initiative up to them. Being at ease in large crowds may take time, so plan only small gatherings, leaving them free to leave whenever the moment is right for them. If the first invitation is refused, offer another at a specific date later on. Being at parties and with other people is not going to take their mind off their loss and make them have a good time. The thought of it may make them feel guilty and be an affront to them.

DON'T: suggest to younger parents "but you can have other children". They may or may not be ale to have another child, but it is not appropriate for you offer comfort with the thought of another child. You see, they wanted this child.

DO: know that there will be certain days that are more painful for parents, such as birth and death dates, as well as holidays. Anticipation of these special days causes periods of depression and anxiety a long time before and the actual date. These special family oriented times are an opportunity for you to be in touch to give some support and attention. Let them know you are aware and that you care.

DO: know that it is not abnormal for some parents to spend a good deal of time at the cemetery. How often they visit the cemetery or whether they go at all, has no bearing on the intensity of their grief or the length of it. Each person handles this in their own distinct way. Don't make it a problem for them.

DO: know that for some parents having many pictures of their child around the home is comfort. For others, photographs on display are to painful. You may find it makes you feel uncomfortable having the photographs around, but for you to suggest they should be put away pains the parent deeply. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground on this subject. Each individual's need is valid and should be recognized.

DON'T: rush in and remove their child's belongings, or change their room unless the parent specifically asks you to. It takes some parents many months before they are ready to change anything. It is their right to decide what they want to keep and what they would like to share with others. You may feel they will recover faster if they face this sad task immediately, but that is not necessarily the case. Leave them alone until the time is right for them, and then help them only if they ask you to. Don't make it an issue. They have enough problems.

DO: reassure the parents they did everything they could for their child, both emotionally and medically. Many feel failure and guilt because they weren't able to keep their child from harm. Small omissions or commissions loom large. It is important that you not add to these feelings of guilt by suggesting that the care given the child either at home, at the hospital or wherever, was inadequate. This only adds to their burden.

DO: show your concern, do be there over the months to come on a regular basis. Allow them to tell you how they feel, and listen when they tell you. Don't tell them what you think they should be feeling. Leave them free to express anger and guilt. If you know a certain time of day is particularly difficult, do try to plan your visits to coincide with that time. Do be patient. Allow them to grieve in their own way and at their own pace. Avoid judgments and try to be accepting of the different ways in which grief can be manifested. Remember, it is better to touch and cry than to stand back and offer cliches. When all is said and done, you will be remembered not only for having been there when the need was great, but also for having known the right thing to say and do.

Monday, April 4, 2005 3:35 AM CDT

What a week this has been. First of all the death of Terry Schiavo sort of hit home for me to in a way. Her family fought so hard for her.It's so sad that her Husband gets all the say and her parents don't count.It really made me think about my Dad.Maybe I should of fought harder for him and not let the Doctor's stop his meds.I should of kept him on his meds a little longer for they might of worked. Everyone telling me that Dad is only suffering like this. I know that Dad was fighting so hard.This is going to eat at me until the day I have to leave.I hate thinking this way but it's true.My Dad knew what was going on around him.Maybe it was too soon to give up.I should of fought harder to keep him here. This is just killing me. I keep on thinking this over and over. My sister said the same thing. So did my Brother he said I shouldn't of stopped the meds. I'm so confused and hurt. I know Dad never wanted to be that way and wanted to be pain free but what if something would of worked. Now I will never know and this is just going to keep eating away at me. I know that deep down my sister and brother blame me in a way for stopping everything on Dad. They don't come right out and say it but it's the things they say.My brother already told me that I shouldn't of stopped everything.But then while in the hospital everyone is telling Dad to let go.I was the only one who wasn't.I told him to let go Christmas eve when he was starting to get cold for I knew he never had much time left. Then that morning not even 4 hours after I said that my loving Dad was gone. I just don't know what to think anymore. Then to top things off the Pope passes away.That just broke my heart.I know that he is in Heaven with Dad but it's so sad.He touched the lives of millions.He was the greatest.Well Dad I was supposed to go to a movie this weekend but Amanda Suzette's daughter had an accident this weekend.She was sleeping and her friends had some candles lit and never put them out and Amanda's skirt caught on fire.She burnt her back and her bum really bad. She might have to get grafting done on it now. I feel so bad for her. But maybe Dad was looking out for her because it could of been alot worse the house could of caught fire and it could of ended alot worse.I'm so glad she is okay minus the burns.She has to go back to the hospital tomorrow to get it looked at so we will see what they say about it them.Poor girl she can't even sit down.I'm praying for you Amanda that you heal fast and that you don't have to get grafting done.I'm going up to Suzette's on the weekend.I love going there.She is such a great cousin.

I can finally do the music myself.So I put my favorite song on here now.Daddy's hands.Felicity is always wanting to go to Grandpa's page now to hear it.She says Grandpa's hands or she will sing it and say Daddy's hams.She is so cute.She must of listened to the song about 5o time's today.I put Amazing grace in the guestbook but for some reason it stopped working so I don't know what is going on there.

I got my bracelt today.The one's I have on the page.They finally started selling them here again.I was so happy about that .Mine is pink.I'm going to get Dad's name engraved on it.And I will wear mine till there is a cure that's for sure.I hope everyone had a good weekend.Take Care and I will talk with you all again soon.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, March 28, 2005 7:19 PM CST

March 30th,2005 10:30

Well I did alot of crying today.I
finally took the flower's to where
Dad used to stay.It was harder than I
thought.All I did was cry.The people
there looked at me like I was crazy.I
really never wanted to take the
flower's there but thought that it was
time.Going there I cried just the
thought of being there again hurt for
Dad was not there to walk into his
room to see.I knew that it was going
to be hard but I never thought It
would be that hard.It took me about
half hour to get my self together
again.Then I asked them about a
butterfly Dad had for the garden
outside and no one can find it.So that
make's me a little sad too.Man I miss
him like crazy.This seems like it's not getting easier for me but harder in ways.

March 28
Well I think my Dad was trying to
send me his Birthday wishes for today.I was sitting at my
desk signing guestbooks.I was on the c's then my phone
bass the dial tone went on.And I had it right in front of
me.I wasn't even on the phone then I heard the dial
tone.Just like that.I sure hope it was Dad.It must of been
his way of telling me that he wishes me the best this
year.What else could it be.Like suzette said there will
be like little signs.If that was you Dad I thank you from
the bottom of my heart for that.Now maybe tonight you
will come to my dreams hey Dad so I can see you again.
The weekend wasn't too bad here.I was sick and still am
but other than that the kids had fun looking for there
eggs and baskest's in the morning.I went for a drive
Yesterday then went to the park and just sat there for
awhile thinking of Dad.How he would of loved to be
outside enjoying the fresh air.But then I thought to
myself he is enjoying the fresh air and the warm weather
for he is with me in everything I do.I may not be able to
see him,but I just keep thinking or trying to that he is
really here with me.It's hard sometime's but I'm
trying.Thank you so much everyone for all your love and
support.It means so much to me.And Dad if that was you
today I thank you too.Well I should go I have to start my
new page today and I am only on the d's for the
guestbooks so I have lots to do.I don't really feel very
good but I'm going to do it anyways.It's like I have
to.And I feel bad if I don't.So you all take care and I
will talk with you all soon.Hopefully I can get the page
done with in 5 hours this time.LOL.Night everyone.I will be waiting for you in my dreams Dad.I Love You.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, March 28, 2005 11:22 AM CST

Thank-You all for the Birthday

message's today.It means alot.

I'm still sick and I still have a headache so I will

update later hopefully.If not it will be tonight.Take

care

everyone,I hope you all had a wonderful Easter.

LOVE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, March 24, 2005 12:38 AM CST

Thought I would let you all know what is happening over here.Well for starter's I have had a headache now for like a week.I'm sick my chest is sore,that is hurts when I breathe,my throat is sore and my whole body aches.And it's not going to be gone for Easter or my birthday on Monday.And for the last 4 days it has been miserable here snowing all the time.It's not like we do very much but still.I wanted to go visit Justin and his family on Saturday but I can't for I'm sick now.And I don't want him to get any thing.I guess I will have to make other arrangements to go over there for another day.
Have been helping this one family with there page.What a nice family it is too.Her Daughter was in an accident back in 2002.This family has had some hard time's I tell you.
Thank-You all for signing Dad's book it means alot.And for signing it in the photo album too while looking at the picture's.Whick I will add new one's in about 3 weeks. I love to look everyday to see the new messages.It's so uplifting.A good friend of mine Kerri typed out the article when we were in the paper so I could post it on the front page in stead of the newspaper clipping.A big thanks goes out to her.I want to keep it on here for awhile for that is what my Dad was all about.Being a single father.He was the best.
I was pretty upset yesterday I have this person saying that I left some rude comments in her guestbook about having to remove the links off the pages.This is not true.She said that I never put my name or an email address.All I ever put in the guestbook entries are graphic's as you all know to well.I hope I can clear this up with her for I'm pretty upset about it.
Missing Dad and I know the weekend is going to be tough for Friday marks 3 months since he has been gone which feels like a life time.Then Easter and my Birthday I don't think it's going to be so nice.Now if that father of mine would come to my dreams then maybe it will be,He is being stubborn I guess and is going to make me wait.
I remember when dad won the Lotteryhe was so happy.But he was also stubborn too for he kept telling me he won but he never wanted to check his ticket.Well I told him to check it already.It took him 2 weeks before he checked it and he did win he won the plus on lotto 649.Was he ever happy I can still see him the expression on his loving face while dancing around the living room.He was the greastest.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter!And please remember to drive safe and that I will be thinking of you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, March 21, 2005 3:14 PM CST

Hope
everyone had a good weekend.I did,we had some good friends
from Calgary come for a visit and whenever Kim and
Patrick come over it is always a laugh.Helped me not think
for a couple of days.I laughed alot to the point were I
was crying.Then had Kristy Conor's Mom come over with
Gina.That was nice to see them.Kristy brought over Jason's
bracelet the he got for the donation we made in Memory of
him.Jason was so proud to wear it.Conor will forever be in
our hearts.He was always full of laughter.His bracelet
reads never give up.And that is what Conor did he never
gave up.He was an imazing and insperational little boy.
I'm so tired today.I think it is catching up with me.With
going to bed for the last 4 months aroung 5am then getting
up at 8 it must be.I just can't sleep anymore.I'm just so
stressed out.Thank you all for your kind words in the
guestbook.They truly mean alot and they sure help me get
by from day to day.The poem is one of four that I have
written for Dad,It helps me express how I'm feeling.I
still haven't take Dad's flower arrangment to his group
home yet for I just haven't gone that way yet.But I talked
to them yesterday and they understand.I was going to go
yesterday but we had quit the snow storm here and the
roads were bad so I never wanted to go on the
whitemud.That highway is not good with no snow never mind
with it.I plan on taking them this weekend though.
Jordy and her Meme are a little confused I think so I have
to mention this.The links that were on my page for the
other kids site's everyone from caringbridge is getting
them saying that they have to be taken off.That doesn't
mean you can't come to my site or go to anyone
else's.Jason stayed home today for he is sick.I think he
must be feeling better for he is now running all over the
house.Well it is almost Easter! Dad always loved Easter he
loved all the holidays.He will be so missed this Easter.I
was watching all the video clips I had taken of him in the
hospital and it just brought me to tears.Just hearing his
voice.The clips were of him talking to his brother in BC
and to Mike's Dad saying that he wanted lobster.He was so
cute in them.He made me laugh for they were not sad
video's they are one's that make you laugh.Dad was so
funny even when he was so sick.I miss him so much.Well
have a good day everyone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, March 17, 2005 5:58 PM CST

I'm doing good now.Thanks to you all for your love and understanding.I'm going to try and be Happy and know that my Dad is with me through all the first time's in spirit.I just have bad days I guess.But all your support does help.Well I got a letter from Caringbridge saying I have to remove all the links to other people's pages.I'm kind of upset about this but what can I do.I did email them and they know the ones I have on there that I have permission so we will see what happens there.I just got the response and it is true everyone is getting the email.Well Jason went to the Hockey game here tonight and he got to skate with some of the player's and if you buy a jersey you can go in the dressing room and get the whole team to sign it.He got his skate bag signed though.So he is pretty excited about that.His Dad is too,I'm thinking they will be coming home with the Jersey.LOL.
My other two monkeys are running around here like animals.Kids you have to love them.
Felicity and Tristan are sure talking about there Grandpa alot and saying if they can go visit him in heaven.Jason made something else for Grandpa I will post it to the page in a bit.And I just realize that this year my Birthday falls on Easter Monday so that is cool.I remember my Dad telling us we were born on Easter all those years ago.
I know he always around me.I just wish that Dad of mine would come to my dreams already.Maybe he is waiting for my Birthday,I guess we will see.
Take Care Everyone.

I love you Dad.I know you are here in spirit and always with me.I just have to think of the good time's we had and try and not get myself down.You are in a better place with no pain and suffering,Now if just us who suffer for you.
It took me like 4 hours to do Dad's page.

How do you all like the poem I wrote for Dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 0:37 AM CST

I'm having a hard time this week.I'm just so depressed.I'm typing this while tears are running down my cheek.I'm so missing my Dad,remember when I said I have good days and bad days well this is my bad week.My sister called me today she is my twin and said this is going to be hard for we won't have Dad calling on our Birthday.I said I know and had to let her go.I just can't handle it anymore.I wish he was here with me agian.I want him to call me on my Birthday,I want to get out of this sad place I'm in this week but it's hard.I don't even care if I have a Birthday this year.My Dad is not going to be here to share it with me anyways.I know I shouldn't think like that but it's hard not to.I'm so angry at everything right now.Why don't family member's come here anymore?Why don't they call to see how I'm doing? They all used too.I'm just so hurt.Sorry if this offends anyone it's just how I feel.It just seems like family forgot about him to me that's all.I know they will never forget my Dad but he has kids still.I want family member's to come here and put there memories down about my Dad for you all to read.You are all so caring and I love you all for that.Family member's may not come here anymore but at least I have alot of wonderful people who still do.Who want to know how I'm doing.Don't get me wrong when reading the entries how you all love my graphis that made me smile.Oh about the graphic's if anyone of your have a problem with too many of them just delete them.I dont' want your computer slowing down or anything.Well I guess that is about it for now.Oh I had one person email me wanting my address so I will post it down below.I hate feeling this way I know my Dad can never come back and that he is in a Beautiful place but it's still hard.He was my everything.

Dad I want you to know how terribly I miss you this week.I sure hope you are planning to come to my dreams on my Birthday since I'm still waiting for you too.Why won't you come to my dreams Dad?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, March 12, 2005 1:17 AM CST

How is everyone doing today.I'm good today.I love reading the guestbook entries on how all the kids I visit on how it brings a smile to there faces when I sign there books with my graphic's.That makes me so happy inside.And I know that Dad is so proud of me too.I may not be able to meet all you lovely people because of all the miles between us but just talking to you and reaching out to all the families is good enough for me.We will all meet in Heaven one day.Little Jordy always brings a smile to my face when she signs my guest book.She runs home everyday to see if I sent her anything in her guestbook.All the parents email me tell me how there kids love seeing what I send,that makes me so happy.It I could sign all the guestbooks I sign on a daily basis I would but I can't so I try to sign them all every second day.I love bringing smile's to all those precious faces.I have made a few backgrounds already for some of the children already and I love to do it.I've made one for Conor and one for QueenMaddy.So if you would like me to do one for you just send me an email and let me know. So please don't hesitate to ask.I will be happy to do it for you.

When I was living in the same apartment that my Dad was living in there was this little old lady down the hall from us how I would always go and help out.Just spending time with her and being able to be there for her when she needed me.I would go to the store for her or do her dishes clean her house.She was such a sweet lady.She was also being a abused by a girl she used to care for which made me so angry that someone one would take advange of someone so fragile.She was also always on oxygen at home to help her breathe.I remember the day I heard the Ambulance and the first thing I thought of was Joan.It was for her.She was unconsoius in her house when the person she cared for found her.Later that evening I found out she had passed away.I was so hurt.I was so close to her.I was always at her place.I was 24 at the time.She gave me one of here plants which I still have to this day.And when I got a hold of her Daughter which see never got to see she was so happy that I was able to be there for her Mom when she needed me.So Joan I know you are up there in Heaven looking down at me too and talking with my Dad.Remember that I love you too.

My Dad was always kind to others.I don't think he had a mean streak in him.He would never spank us,he would get angry and ground us but that is about it.Dad I'm sorry for all the time's I made you angry while growing up.Through good and bad times though Dad you were always there for me when I needed you.I'm so grateful for that.You were my mother and father all in one and I couldn't ask for anything more.You are and always will be amazing in my eyes untill the day I see you again up in heaven.I hope you like your fish background.Next I think I will do flower's for you since you loved them so much too.So many new backgrounds to do for you Dad with the things you loved.I'm so happy I can show everyone here what you loved so much besides your kids.

I Love You Dad!!!!!!!!

LOVE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 8, 2005 5:13 PM CST

I hope everyone is doing ok today. Remember you are always in my thought's. Well I thought I would do a new background for Dad's page.Fish because he loved his fish.He always had fish tanks.He would get so mad when a fish would die.Then he would be going to get more so I guess it was a good thing cause he liked buying new fish too.Dad always had a love for animals.We always had a pet growing up.Mostly cats,those are my favorite.We had birds,dogs,fish,hamster.Sometime's we even had them all at the same time.I remember when I got my dog well Dad hated the fact I had one but man did he spoil him.He was so funny that way always complaining about the animals but them spoiling them.He would give my dog bath a haircut,LOL man that was funny.I will have to find the picture of my dog after Dad got a hold of him.It's pretty funny.I plan on scanning new picture's soon to share with you all.There are so many of them.The next few weeks here I think are going to be a little tough.My Birthday is on the 28th of March and I won't be getting a phone call from Dad wishing me the best.That's going to be a little tough he would alway come over for supper.And with it being Easter it's going to be hard.I sure miss Dad coming over here for supper.He would always surprize us in how much he could eat.Sometime's going for seconds after eating a big first helping.I miss those days.Last year my son Jason took a very nice picture of Dad and I on my deck and I'm just heartbroken that I can't find it.I looked on all my CD"S and nothing.I keep telling Dad to help me find it but no luck.I sure hope I never lost it.Hopefully it will show up one day.I pray that it will and when I find it I will post it for sure.I was sitting on his lap,or beside him.There were two taken and nothing.Please Dad help me find that picture.I wish there was a way to get all the picture's I have taken on my digital back.Then I would have it for sure.Take Care everyone.
Always LOVE

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, March 5, 2005 0:02 AM CST

Its so hard to believe its been over 2 months since Dad died.Over 2 months since I held his hand for the last time.Over 2 months since I gazed into his loving eyes as he slowly slipped away from me forever.Over 2 months since I felt like I was a whole person. Over 2 months seems like he was just here yeterday but seems like an eternity alone.Over 2 long painful lonely months.And that is only months never mind what the years are going to be like.I still have a first here without him.His Birthday and so on.People say get over it. I wish I could. Some pain can't leave when its all I have left of my Dad. Its so hard to remember him as he was. All I can see is the Dad that wasted away to 95 pounds at least.The Dad who wanted to live but knew he wouldn't. The Dad who loved his kids more then life.The 6 weeks in the hospital, one day thinking there was no hope, then next he would improve,it seems like a little only to be in constant care the next.Feeding tube, resperators , , bed sores, morphine, pain, pain.The Dad who was in so much pain. But was so brave to admit that he wasn't in any at all. No one ever cared as much as he did.I have been so sad for three days now and can't seem to get a grip on my tears. It is almost like everything I see or look at reminds me that he is gone.It is like it has just sunk in that he is really truly gone and it breaks my heart that I won't be able to hug him or tell her how much I love him . I can't sleep at night. I feel so completely not in control of my tears and my grief today, and the past few days. Maybe it's because of Felicity's picture's knowing I can never give him one and how she wanted to give him one.How Jason is making things for him while in school it just breaks my heart.I know he is in no more pain but I have these days and it's so hard.Can't really talk to anyone cause no one really seems to understand.I'm trying to move forward but then get hit and move a little more backwards.I guess I just need more time.Time to realize for myself that even though I was always there for him that I can't be there for him now to help him through the journey he is on now.Maybe that is why.I don't know I wish I did.I just miss him so much that I feel like I'm going insane some days.I let everyone believe that I'm fine but deep down I'm not.
Caringbridge has been such a huge part of my support and with you all I don't know how I would get through some of the hard days.Reading the entries alot of times brings tears to my eyes but a smile too.We are like one big family supporting each other when one needs it.Strangers who you make good friends with who are many miles away from you.Strangers who help you when you need it.My Dad's page is the way it is today because of those stranger's who I'm happy to call friends.Some who are friends who send me the music so I can add songs.Since out of everything I can do the backgrounds just tried oneday and it worked but for the life of me can't do the songs.For all the caring people who sign the guestbook,that truley means the world to me.With putting different things on the home page I just emailed someone on caringbridge how to do so and they help me everytime.Now I have others asking me.I now make backgrounds for other families and I love to do it.Somethings I just figured out on my own some of my friends are amazed at the things I can do now with a computer.Now if I can figure out the music I will be amazed,LOL. There is so much thanks to everyone who stops by my Dad's page even if they don't sign means alot cause I know my Dad will never be forgotten.His Memory will live on through Caringbridge.I so wish he could of seen the site but I know he is here with me when I write in spirit and he see's the love I put into his page.The love that will always and forever be there for him.So once again I want to Thank everyone who stops by and I want you all to know that you mean the world to me.I once was signing about 150 sites every second day now it's up to 300 and I don't mind for my heart goes out to everyone who has a caringbridge site,I wish I could sign them all but, and to those who don't who just come here to let you know they are thinking of you and praying for you means alot.So take care everyone and know that I love you all for your love and support.

Tuesday,March 8,2005 2:45AM

Well Dad loved lobster but he also loved fish.He always had a fish tank sometimes 3,so I thought I would change is page to fish for awhile.I will update tomorrow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 1:58 AM CST

What a week this has been.Last night while sitting in the rocking chair with Felicity she was asking about Grandpa.
She told me that she misses him and kept looking at his picture on the wall saying Grandpa has a mustache.I told her he always did remember she said oh ya I remember now.3 year olds can be so cute.Then she said I remember when I went and seen Grandpa in the hospital Mommy that he couldn't talk but he touched my face with his hand.I told her he did that because he loved her she said ya I love Grandpa too.
Felicity and Tristan may be young but they will never forget who there Grandpa was.Then the little stinker started laughing and was telling me how they shortened my Dad's cane.I had to laugh.I know your laughing too Dad for you laughed at them when they did it causeing you almost to fall but Mike had your back hey Dad.Then today Felicity found the teddy bear well it's like a teddy bear anyways,that Dad got while in the hospital from Santa.All the patients got one I guess.Well it's not that cute but Felicity walks around calling it her Grandpa bear.And she talks to it.It's so cute.She take's it everywhere.Tristan hugged his puppy today saying he misses Grandpa.That is why I got them for the kids something to remember him by just for them.And they love them.The picture is posted above.I have so many break downs about Dad.It's hard going through each day not being able to call or see him.I know it will get easier in time.I the type of person who keeps everything inside and not tell anyone how I'm feeling.So this is why I let it out here.
I remember 2 years ago when we moved into our house on the south side and I decided to plant a garden,well Dad was here in a heartbeat helping me weed out the garden then plant it.He loved doing stuff outside he would come over here and he wouldn't even come in my house untill he watered my flower's and pulled some weeds in my garden.This summer is going to be a sad one for he won't be here.I would always pick him up and he would come over for a barbecue he always enjoyed that.We had so many good times here with Dad.Mike also loved it when he would come over.They would sit outside all day and just chat away.Dad would even drink a beer with Mike once in awhile.Took him awhile to drink it but he did.He always came here and drank tea.He would sit at my table with the big grin on his face and would say can I have some tea.I told him of course you can.No one ever drinks tea here but Dad so I have lots here.I drink it very seldom.Jason had a great time camping with his Cub group on the weekend and we had beautiful weather for it.Thanks Dad you must of had something to do with it,for last year it was snowing and cold.I miss you so much Dad.I wish I could come pick you up again and bring you over here.So we could laugh and talk about everything again.
Just remember that I will Love you forever and always till we meet again.
Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, February 25, 2005 5:56 PM CST

I can't believe it has been already two months since my Dad has passed.It feels like a life time already.I miss him like crazy.
Jason is going camping for the weekend with cubs today Dad so watch out for him.It's there winter camp.And Jason came home from school today and he made you something.I will scan it and put it on you page okay Dad.I Love You.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, February 24, 2005 2:14 AM CST

I sit here and try to remember all the fun times I had with my Dad and there are so many of them.Sad ones too.These past two months has been tough.I can't believe my Dad has been gone for two months is seems like forever.Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.I have the flower's from the funeral there all dried up but don't want to throw them away.I don't have the heart too.I have flowers here for the Karios house he stayed at which was bought by his Brother's and Sister in his memory .Those are not real.I haven't gotten down there to take them yet.I know I should have done it awhile ago,but it's going to be hard to go there again knowing I can't go to his room and talk with him ,to say I love you.I will have to make the effort to go this weekend for sure.No matter how hard it will be.They loved my Dad there and he loved being there. They were always visting him in the Hospital.His last wish was to die there but with him being in the condition he was in it just wasn't possible.The doctor's told me that about 5 days before he passed that if we wanted to we could move him there but they said he probably wouldn't make the move so I never wanted to take the chance.I had him for an extra 5 days and I will cherish them as long as l live.
I have a memory from my cousin Kim to add also.
My favorite memory of Uncle Dave..... one of them is the look on his face when my Dad,(Uncle Victor) the twins, and myself came to visit him at Karios house this past summer. He was tickled pink to meet the twins. He couldn't believe that little, bratty, whinny Kimberley was all grown up he was so happy to see all of us. I will never forget that smile Uncle Dave. I know it made your day!! Anytime we all walked in the room, your smile was priceless. I love you.. Kimberley,Skyler,& Ashton.
Dad would always light up when it came to kids.He adored them.He always had a smile on his face when he would see his Grandchildren.They would make his day and cheer him up always.Even when he was in the hospital when I would bring Jason,Tristan and Felicity he would always smile.And reach out for there hand.I remember the last week he was here with us I brought the little ones and Dad lifted his hand and touched all there faces.It broke my heart, I think he knew it would be the last time he would see them.

Dad I love you forever and always,until we meet again in Heaven I will be thinking of you.Please come to my dreams soon I want to see you again.I am waiting for you in my dreams.

Love always Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 0:31 AM CST

Well Dad Felicity's Birthday party is now over.It sure wasn't the same without you here singing Happy Birthday.I know you were here in spirit.She loved all her gifts.Mostly
Strawberry Shortcake stuff.We had about 15 people here that is including us so 10 were here.It was nice.Then when she had her cake it was cute as soon as she blew out the candles she went right for the strawberry.It was pretty cute.Then later we went outside and let the balloons go for you and Tristan let one go which he said he was sending to Conor.This kids sure miss Dad and Conor too.I shed a few tears wishing you were here but then I knew you were looking down at us.Skyler finally got out of the Hospital today Dad.She was supposed to be out on Saturday but her heart rate was a little high so she had to stay till Monday.She's happy to be home again and Ashton is glad to have his sister back home also he missed her terribly.Please pray for Emma as she is getting ready to earn her Angel wings.She is at home with her loving family and friends.I can't betieve you have been gone for two months on Friday.It seems like yesterday you were here sitting on my deck enjoying the weather,which was Thanksgiving.Tristan told me tonight that he misses you and Felicity said the other day "Is Grandpa Happy in Heaven,I miss him Mommy".It brought tears to my eyes.They will never forget you ever.I will never let them either.I watched the the video of Tristan's Birthday which was in September and all I could hear is you Dad singing Happy Birthday.You sang it so loud and so proud.I will cherish that forever.
Missing you always,Love you lots.
Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, February 18, 2005 12:11 AM CST

Dad,
I wish you where here.Then maybe you could stop all the lies.I hate people who lie.I know you do too Dad.But I guess one day they will learn the hard way when all the lies will come and slaps them in the face.I don't know why people have to lie about you telling everyone that they were there when you passed away,when it was only me.Or saying they held you in there arms.That really hurts me,But you now I was there Dad and that is all that really matter's so the ones who make up these lies about it need to learn the hard way.I'm sorry Dad this is happening I wish it would all stop.But I guess they are feeling guilty for they were never there with you like I was.They tell people they were but they weren't.You know who you are.Anyways Dad,I got everything for Felicity's Birthday.I bought the kids some cute little puppy's with a dog house and I told them they were from you for them to remember you by.Well they love them.Felicity is going to have a wonderful Birthday.I know you will be here in spirit with us.Life was so much better when you were here Dad.I remember all the time's I would come and see you and just talk to you I miss that Dad.But when I talk to you here it helps.Skyler is better now Dad.She should be home today or Saturday.She still play's patty cake.That will be something that will stay with her forever for you played it with her in the hospital.Everyone misses you so much Dad but you are never forgotten for you are in our hearts always.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 14, 2005 11:42 PM CST

Hope you all had a good Valentine's Day.I'm doing ok.I have my good days and then my bad days.Some days are harder than other's.When I think of my Dad I can see him in Heaven looking down at me with a smile on his face and I know that he is proud of me for being by his side while he was sick.I will never forget the week before he passed away it was a Saturday and I had to make the decision to stop all meds.Well that night he asked me to turn around and he rubbed my back then patted it like he was saying thanks for being here for me.I can still feel him patting my back.I remember in the morning Suzette was there with me and I ran home to pick up the kids to come see Grandpa on last time.And Suzette told me when I was gone Dad kept asking where I went so she told him and he said well when is she going to be back.She told him soon and that won't she do untill I got back and he told her NO.He wanted me there with him.I love him for that it puts a smile to my face knowing how much he knew I was always there for him during his time in the Hospital.I know he knows how much I was always there for him.I hated leaving him that's why I slept there and came home in the mornings to watch the kids while Mike worked.Then back I went.I know he is happy and pain free in heaven.He will always be looking over me and watching out for my family.He was such a caring Dad.He is greatly missed.A heavenly Valentine's Day he had today and I bet it was beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 14, 2005 9:28 AM CST

I'm doing ok.I know that my Dad is pain free now.It's just hard I have my good days and my Bad days.I will post more later right now I'm so worried about Skylar.I want to go see her so bad but right now I'm sick so I can't.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, February 10, 2005 4:07 PM CST

I am thinking of all the fun time's I had with my Dad.I miss him so much.I remember when I got my dog Cheekco.He was a fluffy one.Well I went out one day and my Dad decided to give him a haircut.Well you should of seen my dog.He looked like he was drowned rat.My poor cute little dog looked aweful.Dad was always bathing the dog and my cat.Giving them a haircut.He was such a comedian my Dad.He would make anyone laugh.Then I remember when my cat had kitten's and were did she dicide to have them.In my clothes.My dad just laughed for she wrecked half my clothes.We always had animals.Birds we had two of them Dad had to have two so the other one wouldn't get lonely.Well he regreted it after for they were always making noise.That was funny.Then one day my cat kept wanting to jump up on out enertainment centre Dad was always yelling at that cat.Well one day I told him to let her go up there to see what she wanted.She gets up there and gets a piece of paper we had thrown for her about 2 months back.My cat she would fetch.Boy did Dad and I laugh then.We also had fish.Dad loved his fish tanks.I accidently called his house the other day.It just seems like it's not real that he is gone.I was going to tell him that I would pick him up on the 19th for Felicity's 3rd Birthday.It rang twice till I figured out what I was doing.Then I just cried.I know you will be here in spirit Dad with her on her Birthday for you never missed one at all.It going to be weird and sad all at the same time.You can help her blow out he candles okay Dad.I bet your having fun up there in heaven with Jason and everyone else.I miss you so much Dad.Still waiting for you to be in my dreams so hurry it up will you.I can just hear you laughing now.Do I ever miss that laugh.Tristan gets his stitches out tomorrow.I think I will be taking them out.It has healed up real nice though.I will have to post a picture after.And Dad guess what I finally got my kitchen table Dad with 6 chairs.LOL.
'
Saturday,February 11,2005 4:30am

I have been sitting here now for the last hour crying and still am.I can't get my Dad out of my head.I miss him so bad.It doesn't help that Fissy Birthday is coming up either for he was here for everyone.I even called his place the other day not realizing what I was doing until it rang twice.I was going to tell him I would pick him up on Saturday.I want him so bad,I just want to hold him again and hug him.Getting Felicity's picture's taken on Sunday and that is hard because now i will have an extra big one for he won't be here to give it too.This is just not fair.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 7, 2005 1:38 PM CST

Hey Dad,
What a weekend I had.Went to Suzette's on Friday.I stopped in to see Grandma and everyone first.On the drive up there I cried.I was missing you.I don't know why but everytime now when I go somewhere I cry.And I don't know why.Even when I just go to the store.I guess maybe feeling guilty of having fun without you here.Anyways Friday we just watched a movie.Celluar,that was an awsome movie.Then on Saturday I got my hair cut by suzette.We went out for supper and just relax.We looked through photo albums.Seen some good one's of you Dad.Dad remember when I went to Nova Scotia and I couldn't find anylighthouses.Well I know where to get them now I just have to go visit Suzette.LOL she has tons of them.You would of loved going to her place Dad.She even has a pond in her backyard with fish.It was a good time.Jeremy scared the daylight's out of me on Saturday night Dad.He was waiting at the bottom of the stairs when I came down.Then Sunday morning Suzette made breakfast and then we dyed my hair.Then I got ready to leave.Stopped at Holly's and Grandma's again on the way home.I had a great weekend for a change.Oh and I went myself.Then Dad you will never believe what Tristan did.He fell in the kitchen hit his face on the table and I had to take him to the hospital for 5 stitches.He never cried though.Even when they put them in he never cried.He is such a tough little guy.It's right above his eyebrow so you won't even see the scar.My poor baby.Mike was mad at me for going then when Tristan got hurt he blamed me for it.I tell you Dad he better watch out or he's going to be single again.
Dad just want you to know that no matter what I do or where I go you are always with me.I could just hear you now Dad.Tristan you have to be more careful.I wish you were here Dad so you could take out his stitches.Well now I have to go get Jason from school because the kid went to school with shoes on and froze his feet.I tell you Dad what next.I Love you so much Dad.Please look out for Uncle Roy up there Dad for he has to go for surgery soon for he has a plugged heart valve.Talk to you later Dad.I LOVE YOU.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 1, 2005 1:27 AM CST

Life is just not fair!I miss my Dad so much.I want him back.I need him back.It's going to take forever before I can see him again and I hate it.Why did the only Parent I ever cared for and loved so much had to be taken away from me.My Dad was the world to me I would have done anything for him.Just like he would of done for me.Everything just seems so unfair.I still can't sleep for I think of him.I still close my eyes and see him there so sick and just fighting for his life.But I also see him in heaven with Jason and Uncle Mike and Grandma and Grandpa.I know they are all there looking down at us watching out for us.They are giving each other hugs which they have been waiting a long time to do.Just like how we have to wait to give out loved ones that we lost a hug again someday.I know he's happy and not in pain but I also know his heart aches to be wiht his family here too.I haven't dream't about Dad yet just wake up and call his name now and then.Maybe he is waiting till I'm ready.I know I'm ready to dream about him for I miss him so much.Going to see Suzette this weekend Dad.We have become real close since you passed away and I am so honored to have her and Amanda as my family.They were there for me when I sure needed them.Just like everyone else was but there is something about Susette.She is the most caring person there is and she reminds me alot of you Dad.She would help out anyone.I love her to peices.I love all my other Cousins too so don't get the wrong idea you guys.You all mean the world to me.So do my Anunt's and Uncle's.Dad Felicity said the cutest thing today she said that when you get better in heaven you have to come see her again.She is so cute Dad.The kids miss you so much.I think they want to see you so they can play with your cane again.There both just so funny.They would always play little tricks on you hey Dad.Please everyone keep my Uncle Marty in your prayers for he has not been feeling well lately.

Till we meet again Dad in the Heaven's.Thinking and loving you more everyday!

Brenda.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, January 28, 2005 3:16 PM CST

I thought I would come here today and say Thank-You to everyone who still comes here.I'm so thankful to you all.I have been wondering about the past few years.How my Dad would still be here if it wasn't for that one single day that wreck his life for good.He always heathly minor things here and there but never life threatening.He never had Cancer?Which is a blessing considering everyone in his family has had it,or still has it.I pray for them everyday to get through the things they are dealing with.My dad that one day he went to work.He loved his job.He had great pride in what he did.Helping others.He was working at a Hospital when one only one patient went crazy and went and put his fist through a glass door.My dad was right there when he decided to go after him.He got him in the face.He scratched him and drew blood.It was eight years later my dad found out he had contracted HIV.He had the virus.All because of a single person.My dad would still he here today with us if he hadn't of went to work that day or if he was on a different floor.Things would of been different.I know you can't turn back time but if you could I sure would.I miss him so much.I remember when Dad was living in his apartment and everyone thought it was best if he went to Karios house where there would be someone there all the time to make sure he got his meds on time and ate regular meals.And let me tell you he hated the idea of moving there at first.He was the type of person who liked doing everything for himself.He loved to cook and clean he was always so clean.Well it didn't take long to be enjoying himself there.He helped cook meals and everything.Everyone loved him there and I know he is missed for he had that thing about him where everywhere he would go or be or do everyone loved him.They enjoyed him there he would always make them laugh.He is missed by his family for now who is going to liven things up without my Dad being there.He was such a comicail person when he wanted to be.I remember one day Dad and I were at his apartment and we were having icecream and cherries.Well Dad dropped one I said Dad you lost your cherry and he said I still laugh till this day.He goes heck I lost my cherry years ago?Dad you were so funny.I sure miss you little wise cracks.I can't wait to see you again when it's my turn to go.I will be running for those arms so have them wide open for me Dad.You are never a minute off my mind.The kids are always talking about you.Tristan always says that your in Heaven with Conor.They miss you so much Dad.The other day Felicity said she wanted to go to the Hospital to see you.It broke my heart.She is so little she doesn't understand that your not there anymore.Jason remember all they things you used to do with him.You will never be forgotten Dad not in this lifetime.I hope you like your website now with the Lobster's.Thank-You so much Malissia for making the Lobster background for my Dad's page.I just love it and I know my Dad love's it too.
Missing You more and more everyday.
Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 2:16 PM CST

I can't believe it's been a month since I last talked to you,the last kiss I gave you,the last hug,the last time I held your hand and the last time I said I love you.I miss you so much Dad.A month was hard but the rest of my life of not being able to see you,hug you again and to tell you how much I Love You is going to be harder.You are always on my mind not a minute goes by and I don't think of you.I miss your laugh your smile your everything.I remember while you were in the hospital how we word make comments on how the nurse's were when we were in the TV room watching a program and the nurse came in and said you know he's not supposed to be out of his room with no gown on and gloves.Remember that Dad.We said man it would of been nice if they would of told us that.So Dad and I would make little comments which was so funny.Then Dad would always tell me how much the hospital food sucks.He hated eating that food.So he always had something from home that some one would bring him so he could eat normal food.We would joke about him getting a sponge bath.That was funny too.I just miss all that.The little things all the things we did and talked about while he was in there.They say time will heals all wounds and soon we will be back in Gods arms with the ones we love.Well time to me is like a stand still.It seems like forever and never going anywhere.But then it goes fast when you don't want it to.Like when Dad left to be with our Heavenly Father.It's just not fair.
Please everyone remember all of the families who lost there loved ones and there Children.Feb 4th will be the one year since my friend Kristy lost her sweet son Conor to Cancer.He was an amazing little boy.He had the biggest smile ever that would just lite up the whole room.He is truly miss by me and his family and all the other's who knew him and cared for him.His Link to his Caringbridge page is below.Pray for all the dear Children who are now Angels in Heaven and Hug your children all a little tighter.Pray for the kids who are fighting everyday against cancer and the battles they are going through.Pray for a cure for Cancer for Aids for all the other deseases that are taking our children,parents,aunts,uncles,friends all those who are fighting and for those who lost there fight.I visit so many caringbridge page's a day praying for them all.They are always on my mind.
Take Care everyone and remember Hug your loved ones as often as you can for life is just too short not to.

Love Brenda and Family

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, January 23, 2005 0:57 AM CST

Well I'm sitting here tonight and it hit me so hard.I will never see my Dad again.I can't believe he is gone.It's like a bad nightmare that won't end.I miss him so much.I will do things or the kids will and I will be like I wish Dad could be here and see this or do this with me.Watched a video tonight of Mike being a goof ball and I remember showing it to Dad.Boy did he laugh.He would love to watch the video's I took with my camera.Or he would come over here and I would show him all the picture's I would take,then I would print off about 10 for him to take home to tape on his wall.He was bad for tape he would tape everything.When we cleaned out his room I must of took about 5 rolls of tape home.I go to bed every night and I just lay there and think of him.I wonder what he is doing up there or what he or we would be doing if he was still here.Next month is going to be hard for it's Felicity's 3rd Birthday and he won't be here.He always enjoyed coming here and watching the monkies open there gifts.And I take her for picture updates for turning 3 and now I will have a extra big one cause he won't be here .I will post it on his album page so he can see it there.I just feel so close to Dad here.I just wish he was able to see what I did for him.And to see all the love a support he had here.I would print off the guestbook for him and he was so shocked and happy to see it.I also can't believe it will be a month on Tuesday since he's been gone it seems like forever.Thank you everyone who still comes here and sign's the guestbook it means alot to me.Another caringbride site I go to she is going to make me a Lobster background for Dad's page.I can't wait to post it here.They are all so caring people,I just wish there kids weren't fighting for there life.Alot of the site's I go to there kids have been through so much and I pray for them all everyday.It's just so sad.Dad loved his Lobster.I remember the first time he ever had it.Mike went and bought about 3 of them,well Dad just loved it so everytime we had lobster I would pick him up so he could have some.He would gobble that down pretty fast.And then there is Suzette who can't stomach the stuff,right Suzette and her daughter Amanda loves the stuff.I don't like it either and Dad would say it's good.I would laugh everytime cause he would always make me try it.Then I would spit it out and he would go What a waste.He was so funny.I hopefully will be talking to Jackie tomorrow to give you all an update on Aidan.I sure hope the little guy is getting better.Well that's all for now talk to you all a little later.Dad I miss you and think of you always....Prayer request....
Well I have some good news all.I just talked Jackie and Aidan is home and doing well.Thay gave him a new antibotic and with in 12 hrs he was feeling alot better and he pulled off his own oxygen mask Jackie told me. Thanks for your prayers and your wishes.He wants to go to school tomorrow says he's fine.He told Jackie look mom i good and was jumping around like he always use to. Jackie is leary as they found out he caught some bug at school from a little girl who was not suposse to be there but the good news is Aidan is home and doing well..
Thank-You

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, January 21, 2005 10:16 AM CST

I'm doing okay for now.Worried about Jackie's little Boy Aidan.He is such a sweet little boy.She told me what he is all going through and it just brought flash backs of when Dad was in there.With the Oxygen and the gowns and so on.There is a prayer request above here for Aidan.I will keep you all posted on how he is doing when I find out.

Dad thinking of you always.Wishing you where here.Do you like the way I have your page now Dad.It's all for you.
You are on my mind all the time you know.I remember when I had Jason and he had that sist above his eye and how you were there for every Doctor's appointment.Then when he had surgery at 9 months you were there for me.I wish you were here now.I miss you not being here when I need you.Loving you always Dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 11:31 PM CST

I was so Happy to come here today and see all the entries.I really appreciate them alot.It really helps.It's been 3 and a half weeks since Dad passed and it seems like forever.I miss him so much.I remember when he would call here all the time and when I wasn't home he would get mad and say where you I tried calling.I would always laugh at him cause he would think where would I go with 3 kids.I sure miss that.He was so funny that way.I would tell him well I don't stay home all the time you know Dad.This past month has been a stuggle dealing with his death.I know in time in will get easier.Everytime I close my eyes I see him lying in the Hospital bed fighting for his life,I then see him losing his fight.It just breaks my heart.He will forever be apart of me.

Thank you everyone for your support through all of this it means alot to me.
I will be adding something special tomorrow so please come back and see.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 7:40 PM CST

Thinking about you all the time Dad.I sure wish you were here.Things are just not the same here without you.I want to hear your voice so bad and just talk to you.I want to see you I want to hold your hand again.I want alot of things I can't have from you and it's just not fair.I see you in my dreams but that is just not enough.I have so many things I wish I could tell you.Like how Felicity is always talking about you,how Jason is doing in school and how your devil grandson,lol is just being his pain in the butt self.You know what I mean don't you Dad.I watch your video I made for you everyday.I could look at those picture's a million times and never get tierd of seeing them.I can't believe how good looking you were back then.You were quite the catch weren't you Dad.I Love you and Miss you so much Dad.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 12:58 AM CST

I'm scared everyone is going to forget who my Dad was and what he lived for.When Dad first went into the Hospital people would come here and sign the book,now it seems no onw comes anymore but me.I come here about 100 times a day to see if any new guestbook entries were made and there is never none.I enjoy reading them and your words help me get through the days.Dad lived each day to the fullest.He lived for his kids.He told me many times before that if he never had us he didn't know what he would do.He provided everything we ever needed.He put us in sports He even got my sister and I a big sister.He was the best Dad out there.He always thought of his kids first before anything and anyone first.And that never changed as we got older.If I needed something he was there all the time.Two summer's Dad came over to my house and planted Strawberry bushes and Raspberry bushes in my back yard.He dug the holes and everything.He was so tierd afterward for him being so thin it wore him out.But he did it anyway.He was so excited,he always got excited over things like that for he loved working in the garden.Then a week later he came over and helped me weed and hoe my Garden.Let me tell you that was alot of work but he did it with me.Then when it was time to plant the Garden there he was helping me.No matter how Dad felt he would still do things.He was such a champ.I love him for his strenght and courage.He will forever be apart of me and whenever I go outside in my backyard I can see him digging those hole's and helping me plant my garden.He would come over here and as soon as he would get here he wouldn't even come in the house he would first go to my flower beds and and garden and pulls the weeds and then water them.LOL He loved being outdoor's working in the Garden,he even planted a little one a Karios house and tended to the flower's there.It sure won't be the same over there without him I know that. Life around here isn't the same without him.Missing you so much Dad.I Love You.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, January 17, 2005 1:42 PM CST

I wish I could stop all the hurt and the pain.Missing my Dad so much.Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.I think of things we did when we were young and old.My Dad was such an amazing loving man.He never gave up on anything he did.He lived his life to the fullest.He was always so happy with everything.
Hey Dad have I told you today that I love you with all my heart and your never off my mind.It seems so unreal that you are actually gone.I know when it finally sinks in that it is true it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks.I guess deep in my head I'm thinking that he is just somewhere else and I can't talk to him.I know this is not the cause but that is how I feel.I feel so bad for all the parents who have lost there children to Cancer and what they must be going through to lose a child.My heart breaks for them all.Just waiting for our loved ones to walk through the door.We are forever waiting and asking why this all had to happen to us to anyone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, January 15, 2005 0:39 AM CST

Well it's late and I can't sleep.Sitting here just thinking of Dad.Oh how I miss him.He should be here with me but he's not.While Dad was in the Hospital we would go and watch TV that was when he was on the 4th floor.I remember the last show we ever watched together.That was Who want to be a Millionare.I remember the fellow on there was up too 125 000 and he said he was just doing this for fun so when the next question came he never knew the answer so he guested and got it wrong.Well you should of heard Dad.He said what an idiot why are you guessing I would just stop.It was so funny.He always got worked up over that show.We would also watch Little House on the Prarie which he watched all the time.Then I got him into watching Reba when he was at home and that soon became another one he would watch often.While he was in Hospital he was so mad that he was missing his soap Young and the Restless which was his favorite.Then when he finally got a Tv in his room it was so sad because that is when he started to get worse and couldn't watch his show.It just broke my heart.I watch the video I made all the time with all his picture's and just cry.I think I'm going to find my video tape's and watch those I have lots of Dad on there with the kids.I remember when Dad came with me and Jason to the Rodeo for the first time.He really enjoyed that.We had so much fun.So many amazing memories I have with my Dad,memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Love Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, January 13, 2005 9:36 PM CST

I am still trying to get through the day's here.It feels like Dad is on a holiday,but the truth is he is never coming back it still doesn't seem real.Even after the Funeral.I guess I just don't want to believe it.I have his Picture the one we blew up of him in Hawaii right behind my chair in the Living room and it's like he is watching over me.The food is almost all gone.Mike took lots of it to work which didn't take long to disapear.And for the stuff here it got eatin pretty fast too with the kids eating away at it.Tristan loves the Scuffles Auntie Susie that is all he eats.And as for those Square's Susette there almost gone now too thanks to Jason.I want to phone you so bad Dad.I wish there were phone's in heaven so we could still talk this way I could hear your voice even if I can't see you.Just to hear you say I Love You again.I wish I would of taped you saying that in the Hospital so I could play it over and over again.I miss hearing how much you loved me.Same goes for Belinda and Brent. The video I made for your service never worked I was so upset over that Dad.

Dad do you know how cold it has been here -44 with the windchill and tomorrow moring it's supposed to be -49.Is that cold or what.Tristan and Fissy like the cake and since there is your picture on it they want a peice of you Dad,there so silly Tristan said Grandpa taste's good and then Felicity says can i have a peice of Grandpa.They are silly hey Dad.Did you see Elsie's face when she found out that I snuck Jody under the bed.I turned around to see if I could see where she was sitting but could not see her.Sorry about that Dad,but we were kids and she was my Bestfriend.Remember how I moved into the same building as you when I was pregnant with Jason and how I ran my cable down thru the balcony into your suite so I could have cable till mine got hooked up.And same with the extention cords for power.That was pretty funny and you would say you can't do that and I said watch me.That was great thanks for you being on the fourth floor and me right above you on the fifth.Then I thought why pay for cable when we can split the bill so I had Paul come over and drill a hole in my wall and in your's.LOL that was the best.We only did that for a few months then I paid for my own.Dad your breifcase sure come's in handy for me that is where I lock all my stuff in like candy my money and so on.I know I was going to give it to Tristan for his car's but I will find something else for him.Did you hear Felicity on the phone tonight pretending to talk to you.She talks about you all the time so does Tristan.They miss you so much just like we all do.
I Love you with all my heart Dad you will Never Be Forgotten.

Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, January 12, 2005 9:07 AM CST

The service was beautiful.So many people can to honor Dad.All his Family and Friends.A friend of his who I haven't seen in 10 years was there and I tried getting a hold of her but failed.It was so nice to see you there Thelma.Dad would of loved to chat with you I'm sure.And I guess my Dad was right about just having dounuts because we had so much food left over it wasn't even Funny.Oh well I won't have to make any lunches for awhile anyway.Had a cake the a picture of Dad on it which no one ate,I think everyone never wanted to cut into it.I will post a picture of it later.Here is the Eulogy and a speech that were read at the service.

Eulogy

Hello Everyone. Want to thank Brenda, Brent, and Belinda for choosing me to speak here today. Can't help but feel very honored and proud, to speak about a very special person who was a dad.

On December 25, in the wee early morning, I tossed and turned in a very light sleep, like so many others do on such a day. Dreaming of life, thinking of old friends, family, the future, the past. Its Christmas. But my sleep was broken by a sudden sound. The phone was ringing. And found myself thinking of David at that very moment, and strangely feeling relieved and very happy for him.

David Rurka had died at the age of 63, Christmas Day at the Royal Alex Hospital, in Edmonton, a long battle with illness finally ended, that he had fought for so many years. Finally at rest.

He left behind 3 children , a Son Brent, and daughters Brenda and Belinda. Five grandchildren, David, Cassandra, Jason, Tristan, and Felicity. He leaves behind five brothers, Steve, Emil, Roy, Marty, Victor. He leaves behind three sisters Diane his twin, and Joyce, and Susie. And so many numerous nieces and nephews. Predeceased loved ones, are his Mother Ann, his Father William, his first son Jason and his brother Mike.

I like to think his life was a very, very, full and a rewarding one. His work career involved graduating from nursing school at a young age and getting straight to work at ST.JOESPH HOSPITAL IN VEGREVILLE where he stayed FOR TWENTY YEARS. THEN Had moved TO EDMONTON AND WORKED AT FORT SASK.GENERAL HOSPITAL FOR a few YEARS. Then onto DICKENFieLD EXTENDED CARE for a time, and then too, ST.MICHEALS EXTENDED CARE, AND FINALLY ALBERTA HOSPITAL till he retired due to illness. He LOVED NURSING AND TOOK SO MUCH PRIDE IN HIS JOB. He excelled at caring for others.

During his life he had 4 children Jason Curtis Rurka Oct 15, 1966, Little Jason passed away on DEC 17,1967. But a year later, -BRENT DAVID RURKA was born DEC 16,1968, then two years later, he was blessed with twins -BRENDA MARIA RURKA and -BELINDA ANN RURKA both born MARCH 28,1970.

His first grandchild was DAVID SCOTT, Brent’s little boy. Then came Belinda’s little girl Cassandra Lynn Then came Brenda’s little boy, Jason Austin .Then came grandpa’s little devil TRISTAN MICHAEL another son from Brenda. And then of course the little sweetheart FELICITY DAWN, the third of Brenda’s children. David was a great DAD. He raised his kids through some hard times, such so I personally remember he made the front page of the Edmonton Journal for being a single Dad raising three kids. That was a rare thing back then. Everyone was so proud of him.

If anyone has ever seen David at wedding’s they would know, he loved to dance. One song in particular, The Bird Dance. He would jump right out of his chair and grab anyone when heard that song. I even heard of one story, where he and some of his brothers and sisters were stuck in the car waiting for a train to pass by. Somehow the bird dance song came up on the radio. Before you knew it, he was hopping out of the car and doing the dance for all to see. I wish I coulda seen that one. He loved the sun, was a sun worshiper and each year had always the most amazing tan. He was always doing something. When he wasn't working, he was looking out for his kids, and when he wasn't doing that, I think he was dancing. He loved playing those silly card games with the family. He knew how to have fun. One particular memory that goes way back, told to me by one of his brothers, is on the farm, back when all his brothers and sisters were children themselves, the time they spent with each other trying to catch gophers and breaking ice on the creek, the usual fooling around that kids do, his brother Mike would throw nickels on the weak ice and how all of them would try to get to the nickels without breaking the ice... but of course, the ice would always break and they would fall in...I was told as to how adventurous he was, never afraid to try any crazy ride, how Dave would go on the highest water slide as a kid, the one no one else would go on....but Dave would...In Mexico, while on vacation with a brother and sister, he was the only one that went snorkeling out of the bunch, and the first one to go parasailing. And even got a few others excited enough to try parasailing too.

So many stories have been told to me by his children, I could only pick a few to say today. And here I would like to tell you a few.

I was told of one Christmas eve him and the kids were getting ready to go to midnight mass, and they were all in the car. David told the kids he had to go to the washroom, so they were waited for him in the car. Well he was taking a bit of time and the kids being impatient, went to see what he was doing. And there the fart was caught red handed, snacking on the cookies and milk they left out for Santa. What a little sneak, as Brenda would say. The kids were so mad at him for eating Santa’s cookies and milk.

I was told of times of summer where he took the kids, for single parents day, for swimming and picnic’s, and of course, he would enjoy throwing all the kids into the water from the pool side. They loved him for that. Here is a quote from one of his daughters.

“Dad. I remember when you used to sleep on the couch at Elsie’s and I would take a feather and tickle your nose with it, and your hand would be swatting at your nose. That was so funny dad. But then you got me because you yelled BOO, and grabbed me and started to tickle me. You were awake the whole time. You were so sneaky dad.”

I was told how much you enjoyed putting up the tree and decorations for Christmas. And you would always say each year how much you liked the way Auntie Susie does her tree with tinsel. And how you would paint all the window’s at the house in a christmassy fashion.

I was told of how one of the kids would loose a tooth and would place the tooth under the pillow, so the tooth fairy would come and pay a visit. And not wanting the other two kids to miss out, you had your other kids draw and cut paper teeth, so that everyone found money under their pillow in the morning. No one was ever left out.

I heard of silly times you had with Elsie and the kids, fooling around with a baby bottle and making everyone drink from it even though you all were way too old for a baby bottle. They thought that was so funny of their dad.

I was told of times when the kids would always cry over you with worry, when you were injured or sick, like when your leg went numb and you couldn't feel it. It made them so sad to see you hurt. And they couldn't help but cry.

I was told of how hard you fought for you kids and how you were not only a father but a mother too. How you had to put the kids in a foster home, to give you time get a better job and a better home. But the kids were only in that foster home for 5 months, you worked hard and got them a new home, and it all turned out good, the kids were even blessed with a new grandma, the lady from the foster home, who they still see and visit to this day.

I was told of a time when Brent threw a rock at a sign, it bounced off it and hit Brenda in the head, poor Brenda had to get stitches, how you took her to hospital, cared for the stitches and then removed them yourself once they were healed. But only too take her to hospital for more stitches because of a oopsy somersault off the diving board they next day.

I was told how mad you were when you found cigarettes they had hidden when the kids were only at the age of 12. Boy were you mad.

I was told of the time the Ukrainian egg in Vegreville was being built and the kids would ask you why they were making it. And David you replied, “Well, they are making the egg for me” After that, the kids were going around telling everyone that the egg was being built for there dad. At least till they realized you was joking with them You was such a funny dad.

I was told of how when they lived at elsie's and they had a friend jody who broke the garage door one day and so she wasn't allowed to sleep over no more. So one day they snuck her in and she slept under the bed. You never knew she was there and that she had slept over. The kids thought that was pretty funny and had a secret you didn't know about. Then one day they were over Jody's place, and a screen door got broken and then they weren't allowed over at Jodie’s place anymore. But the kids slept in her closet for a sleep over anyway's, and her mom almost caught them. Well oops, I guess you know now, sorry dad.

I was told of how when Belinda and Brenda were small around age 4 I think, and they ran away from home, this was back in Vegreville. Well david was in a huge panic and couldn't find them anywhere, but a nice lady at the corner store, she phoned you and calmed you down, cause she found the girls in the store.

I was told of a time you were at work and one of the kids found some rags and gasoline in the basement, and of course a lighter. One thing led to another and soon the coffee table was on fire..You never found out about that one. Oops I guess you know know dad.

Once time when the kids were about 3-4 years old in Vegreville. The three of them were outside in the back yard. Well they had found paint and paint brushes in the storage shed, and well of course one thing led to another, and the swing set received a swift paint job, even the grass, and of course the 3 of them had paint all over themselves. Dad came outside to check on them, and well you can imagine the look on his face.

I was told of when one of your granddaughters were born. You came in to the viewing window to see the newborns and somehow you picked out your granddaughter from the bunch on the first try, and immediately pointed, saying “that’s my granddaughter, let me hold her. That was you Cassandra.

I was told of how every year on Brents birthday, they would go for a birthday drink, David would sometimes cry and mourn for his first born, Jason. For Brent’s birthday and the day of Jason’s passing were only one day apart. David would tell Brent stories of Jason, of the brother he had lost. One of Brents final moments with his dad before he passed, was where Brent said to him, “You gave me 36 years of great memories dad and now its time to go start building some more memories with your other son Jason” David, then squeezed Brents hand and smiled.

I was told of 18’th birthdays and of course how dad took them out for their first drink together, welcoming them to adulthood.

I was told story, where one of his kids was very mad about something, and in frustration broke the fish tank, there was water, glass, and fish everywhere. Some of it, even flowing down the stairs. But you had such great tolerance, all you said was, “Now why did you do something silly and stupid like that?” And then helped to clean up the mess.

He loved kids, loved his children, loved his brothers and sisters, and did the best he could by them. He was so caring, and did his best to always be there. He gave more of himself then he ever took from people. When I think about my Uncle David, I think of the many weekends we spent together, us kids playing downstairs, and all you grownups upstairs playing cards, I could hear you laughing, we were laughing, happy times. You were always there for even for my triumphs in life. You were there for my baptism, my Confirmation, my graduations, always there to see me shine. And the best part was, I never needed to tell or ask you, because he already knew what was going on in my life, and had already made plans to be there, he cared that much. He had a wonderful aura about him, his concerns were always genuine. I'm so grateful I was able to tell him I loved him before he left. I know in my heart, that he is back to his old happy self once again, full of energy, strong, and healthy once again. Thinking of others. A Christmas Angel.

Welcome all,

I want to thank you all for all your support and prayers over the past month and a half. Those who knew dad knew him as a loving man who would do anything for any one and a man who’s love was unconditional for his children, his family and everyone he knew. He has lived a hard life and always lived it to the fullest each and every day. Dad was diagnosis with the HIV virus about 6 yrs ago and dealt with very well and did public speaking about the disease. He was well liked with his at his home at karios house where he lived for the past three years and I know he will be sadly missed by fellow residents and staff.

During dads stay at the Royal Alex Hospital he had many visitors which tells me he had a lot of friends and family that cared dearly for him. During that time we had lots of laughs and tears with dad sharing stories. Dad had told me on the 19th of November when he was admitted that he didn’t think that he was going to coming out of the hospital and in my heart I knew it. That weekend was a tough one as Brenda was away in Calgary. I saw dad on the Tuesday prior to him being admitted to the hospital and he honestly didn’t look well. I told him I would see him on Monday after the Grey cup game and we would have a good chat about Christmas. Well I didn’t see dad on that Monday but sooner. Brenda called to tell me that dad was being admitted to the Royal Alex but she had to go to Calgary as the plans were made. I told her I would stay with him till she came back. I stayed with dad till about 7am that first night as we waited for his bed. I kept calling Brenda telling her how mad I was getting cause he had to lie in the emergency. I left around 7 to freshen up and returned to the hospital around 1 to see Belinda and John and cousin Kim with the twins. Now I know why dad love those kids so much. That afternoon dad was taken for some tests so I waited till he returned which was about 5pm. Dad was a little groggy and very hungry. He asked me to ask if he could eat so the nurse brought him two eggs salad sandwiches. It was kinda funny dad eating. He never had his teeth in but did he ever wolf down the sandwiches. He had egg all over his chin but you could tell he really enjoyed them a lot. I left the hospital around 6 pm to work and called every hour to see if he got a room yet. At 10pm I was upset now that he was in that emergency for like 38 hrs already. I left work and returned to the hospital to find dad wasn’t there. I asked the nurse where he was and she told me who’s asking. I told her where is my dad. She said he went to the ward but no visitors after 8. Well that didn’t sit well with me.

I started to head up to see dad when I was greeted by three security guards asking me to leave. I did end up leaving cause I knew dad would never want that to happen.

Even though he was ill dad always had a sense of ha ha. He would always make funny comments or sounds. Jason was up one day and was giving dad water on the sponge to keep his mouth wet as he wasn’t able to eat or drink and dad would woof like a dog trying to get the sponge from Jason. I remember David coming up when dad was in isolation and dad taking David’s hand and saying from his oxygen mask “BIG HANDS”. David smiled and stood up and dad said holy big boy. Then Brenda when she brought Jason up and dad giving him his necklace. I know Jason was very honored at that and so was dad. Dad always had time when the grand kids were up. Didn’t even have to be the grand kids. Look at Kim’s twins, dad would make faces and play patty cake with them which I understand why look at those beautiful kids. Dad was so proud of the career he did in nursing for so many years and still knew what he needed and what to do. I remember when they came to put the condom catheter on and dad told the nurse if you don’t know what your doing I will do it and I can I have done thousand’s of them. Well guess what she never did know what she was doing and dad rolled his eyes. He would always say the darnest thing at the funniest time. There was one time that that he was wet and he told Brenda to go get that cow and change me. Brenda would tell him be nice. Then the time he told Suzette he wanted the blonde one being the nurse. He always complained about having to be there. I know it hurt dads pride laying there and having to depend on people to look after him, but I told him that that’s why they are here and they loved there jobs which was the same reason my father entered the nursing field. He loved helping and caring for people. And he did a fine job at it we all would say.

Dad you were well loved and always will be and I know that. Brenda you have been such a trooper sis and I love you with al my heart and soul. You made dad his web page which was a total success with over 10,000 hits in about 6 weeks. You kept family and friends informed of dads well being and I’m proud of you, and know dad is too. And Suzette and Kim what can I say about you to. You two are really special in my eyes. You two were there all the time with dad. Suzette coming from vermilion every chance she could to be with dad. Kim and your just as special cousin. Your kids always brought a smile to dads face and I know he will be watching over them and you too. And thank you Belinda for being there during the day when you could.

It was unfortunate that this was the first time I got to meet suzette but proud to say shes my cuz.

You were there the night when Brenda had to make the choice to stop all treatments. It was hard on her and I know that. You were there when we had dad was read his last right then too. I will never forget that night in the room all of us there crying. Dad had motioned to Brenda to stand up and we guess he wanted her to turn around. Brenda said what turn around so Brenda turned a full 360 degrees. The look dad gave was priceless. He just rolled his eyes and if he could speak he probably say no dummy or something funny. He had her turn so her back was facing him then with what strength he had he rubbed her back about 5 times then patted her on the back, as if to thank her for taking care of him. Brenda my hats off to you sis.

Dad always said when I die you kids will forget me and laughed. Even thou dad passed away on Christmas day he will always be in our hearts. I told the girls on Christmas morning that his passing was a blessing. He wanted to be with us for Christmas but he also want to be home at last to. He went early in the morning Christmas day and I told Brenda that he’s giving us a sign. He knew we would be there all day if he stayed and that the kids would have to wait to open there presents. He wants us to go home and be with them and celebrate together. I do think Brenda does realize that now and knows it’s for the best. I told her he might have died on Jesus birthday but in my eyes you have to a very special person for such an honor. Like I said dad you gave me myself 36 wonderful years of memories Dad and Jason’s been without you for now 37 yearsso time you start making some memories with him. This is not good bye dad as good byes are forever. This is so long till we meet again soon. We love you and we will never forget you. Rest in peace . Your home at last dad “YOUR HOME AT LAST”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 11:10 AM CST

Well Dad today is your special day.The day Family and Friends come to honor the man you were.You were so special to many Dad.
Made sandwiches for your service today,I know you only wanted dounuts but that's too bad for ya.I know you will be proud of everything today.It's all in your honor so it's going to be perfect.Brent blew up a couple picture's for the service and they turned out really good.He showed me on the web cam and I started crying.I drove by your place the other day and just lost it Dad.I wanted to stop in and see you but I knew you weren't there.It's not getting any easier at all Dad.I know your so proud and as for the dounuts Dad you deserve better and you are going to get better.A special man like you,I can't just have dounut's there.And if I could I would of had peroggies and everything that you loved there.Maybe even a couple of Lobster's.Well Dad I know you will be looking down at everyone today and we will be looking up at you.

All my Love

Brenda

Will Post everything tomorrow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, January 9, 2005 10:18 PM CST

Did alot of Crying this weekend.Getting picture's of Dad and scanning them for a video I'm making for his service on Tuesday.Then had to drive to my sister's today to pick up some picture's there and the news paper clipping of when we were in the Jornal in 79 and I cried all the way there well most of the way because on the way to Belinda's I had to drive by Dad's place,it was hard cause I haven't been by there since Christmas Day when we went and cleaned his room.That was really hard for me.Then just thinking of out fondest memories of Dad for the service to.I will post the Ulogy on Wednesday and how his celebration of life went.All my Uncle flew down today from Vancouver to be here.It's going to be one amotional day again.I posted the Journal clipping in the album.Thank you all for your support and for signing the guest book it helps and means alot to me.Have to bug the Aunt's and Uncle's to sign the book with there memories for there are alot and funny ones.I will keep bugging them.Take Care All I will post after the Service or the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, January 6, 2005 2:01 PM CST

Dad went into the Hospital Nov 19th to gain weight that is he was told anyway.Then they start doing all these test on him and he couldn't eat for days.Then they tell him his meds are not working and that he has to go off of them because they are causeing to much acid in his stomach which could kill him.So they take him off and now they are not sure if there are any others he can go on.So while there fasting Dad he ends up getting c-diff a bug in the bowel and had to be under isolation where everyone has to where gowns and gloves.Anyways they move him up a floor so he is in his own room.Then he finally gets to eat the poor man hasn't eatin for almost 5 days and he was starving.He gets Ukranian food and he gobbles it down so fast cause he is hungry and chokes on it.The very next day there is my dad with oxygen because NOW he has Asperation Pneumonia.I can't believe his doctor for one they could of found out sooner about his meds and changed them before they started eating away at him,they could have got him a nurse to go to his house everyday with his gaining weight.Instead they starved him there.And for what stupid test which should of been done months ago.My dad had Pneumonia while in the home he was in and he was fine.He had it twice there.Anyways after they moved my dad again because he was always trying to get out of bed they started him on new meds on Monday.The doctor's said it would be about two weeks before the knew if they where working.That Friday they tell me nothing is working for Dad and that he doesn't have much time left.Well for one it wasn't even two weeks,did they give up two early,or do they know for they also told me that he got the pneumonia again but how he wasn't eating or drinking anything and that how he got it in the first place.Then told me that just like that his infection was gone wow that is amazing considering when I first got there on Friday he had it and they stop his meds to let him go comfortably there is no more infection come on now give me a break.Did he even have it in the first place or what or was if necessary to where gloves and gowns.I don't know and never will now.Dad was so raspy that night and when the father blessd him he seemed to have been alot better.I am so angry at the doctor's and everything my Dad is gone and I blame them,so many things could of been done differently.That week as they were keeping Dad comfortable he was still alert and would always squeeze your hand.I believe Dad left his body Thusday for there was no squeezing of hands and he was no longer alert when you spoke to him he wouldn't move his eyes your way.I know this because on thursday he was starting to get cold in his feet, his neck was stiff and you could not even turn it to the side for that is when I shaved him last was Thursday.His one hand was starting to swell up and they where cold to the touch.Then Friday his feet felt like ice his hands where starting to get colder his arms his face everything.It was the fatal Saturday morning Dec 25 when my Dad's heart of Gold stopped beating.And he was gone.It took two days for his heart to stop.I believe that because Wednesday he was responding.This is just how I feel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 12:23 AM CST

Went and met with Father Michael yesterday to talk about Dad for the services.That was hard to do especially talking about when he passed away.My head is so confused on why all this had to happen.I miss dad so much.I blame the doctor's because they said dad was going in there just to gain weight,and then they start doing all these test on him.I could write a book right now how I'm feeling about his doctor but I will have to do it later because Tristan and Felicity are being little monkies so I have to deal with them right now I will let you know about that tonight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 9:45 AM CST

I am so sick of some people already.You know who you are.Telling me that all I want is Dad's money telling me to coroperate telling me I'm a retarded.I don't need it.My Dad just past away and I'm trying to give him the best service cause it is what he deserves and I get this.I don't need it right now.Telling me we are in for a big surprise at Dads funeral>I don't need this.I am so upset right now it's not even funny.Thanks you know who you are.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 11:39 PM CST

I will update again later right now I am too stressed.

NEW PICTURE'S IN THE ALBUM.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, January 2, 2005 11:41 PM CST

Hi Dad.
Is that Suzette funny or what Dad.I'm still laughing and I know you are too.And then there is Amanda did you do something to make the phone ring Dad.I remember when you used to sleep on the couch at Elsie's and I would take a feather and tickle your nose with it,your hand would be swatting at your nose cause something tickled,that was so funny Dad.But then you got me because you said boo and grabbed me and started to tickle me.You where awake the whole time.You where so sneaky Dad,I love you for that.That was so much fun.The kids won't go to bed Dad maybe you could help me out here instead of laughing at them cause I know you are.Thanks Dad for being the loving and kind father that you are and in my heart always will be,I feel close to you here Dad.I'm taking down the tree tomorrow Dad I think.Tristan and Felicity have destroyed it anyways.I will have to buy a new one next year for sure hey Dad.I Remember how much you enjoyed putting up the tree and decorations for Christmas.And you would always say every year how much you like the way Auntie Susie does her tree with tinsel.And how you would paint all the window's at the house.Is that how the tree is in heaven this year Dad the way Auntie Susie does her's I bet it is right Dad.Well I have to go for now have to get these monkies to bed.I Love you so much Dad,and miss you so very much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, January 1, 2005 0:49 AM CST

Happy New Year Dad.I am having a hard time with you being gone.Today has been 1 week already and that seems like a life time ago.The new year is supposed to be fun well not here dad.Knowing I won't see you in 2005 or ever again is just breaking my heart.Oh how I wish I could turn back time.I LOVE YOU DAD AND MISS YOU SO MUCH THE NEW YEAR WON'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU HERE.I have been sitting here just crying for you.Why do the best always go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 31, 2004 1:15 PM CST

Hi Dad.
I sure do miss you a whole bunch.How is Heaven Dad? Is it what you thought it would be? I bet it's beautiful up there hey Dad.I can't wait till I see you again Dad.You will forever be a part of me.Did you like the poem's I wrote for you.I hope you have a good Angel's New Year's,I wish you where here with me though.Thinking of you always.
I LOVE YOU!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, December 30, 2004 2:15 PM CST

I miss you so much Dad.I miss your smile your laughter,those 3 words I Love You.I sit here and just think about you all the time.The things we used to do and what you have been through these last few weeks.You fought such a hard battle Dad,you are a true fighter.I miss being by your side looking after you.Remember when you were here for Thanksgiving how much fun we had.How Tristan and Felicity got a hold of your cane and shortened it on you.Thankfully Mike was behind you and caught you those little stinker's and you never got mad you just laughed at them.I miss that Dad you being here spending the day with me like you used to do so often.Felicity's Birthday is coming soon and it's not going to be the same with out you here.You always enjoyed there Birthday's.Just watching the monkies running all over the place hyper as ever.None of the Holidays or Birthday's will ever be the same for you won't be here to enjoy them with me.I know you are here in spirit but that is just not the same as seeing you.I miss you Dad and remember I LOVE YOU ALWAYS & FOREVER!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 2:22 PM CST

Woke up again this morning calling out for my Dad.I miss him so much.I can remember all the wedding's we would go to and how much Dad loved to dance.He loved dancing,he really liked the bird dance.As soon as they would play that song he would grab someone to dance.Even me somethimes.That was so much fun.Just little things like that.Or when one Christmas eve we were getting ready to go to midnight mass and we were all in the car and Dad had to go to the washroom so we waited in the car,well he was taking so long that I went in to see what he was doing and there was my Dad snacking on the cookies and milk we left out for santa.What a little sneak he was.I Love You Dad.Thank-You so much for all your love and caring and for all your silly humor.I'm going to miss that so much,hearing all your funny stories or you doing funny things.

NEW PHOTO'S OF DAD WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.HE WAS SURE A HANDSOME MAN.WHAT A LADIES MAN I KNOW HE WAS WAS BACK THEN.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, December 27, 2004 9:13 PM CST

Went and seen Dad again for the last time.I kissed him so many times left tears on his cheek.I even pulled out some of my hair for him to take with him something of me.I can't believe I will never see him again.I miss him so much.I miss his smile,his humor and his laugh I miss everything about him.I miss being in the Hospital taking care of him.He was my entire life I want him back so bad I don't think this pain is ever going to go away people say time I don't agree.He was all I had he was my Father and my Mother.He was my rock he was there when I needed him.He was my Bestfriend I shared everything with him and now he is gone.Gone to be with the angels and now I have nothing left,no one to run too when I need,no one to share special news with no more.This will never get easier he is gone and never coming back to me until my journey begins. I just want my number 1 Dad back my Bestfriend my rock.

Hurting to Bad
Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 26, 2004 7:27 PM CST

Dad you looked so at peace today all dressed up in your favorite suit.And you looked like my Dad again.Not like you looked in the Hospital.I Love you so much and miss you like crazy.Staying at home last night felt so weird I miss being by you side.If I could stay with you at park memorial I would just to be near you until the time for your cremation has come.We put alot of pictures with you Dad of the kids and of us.Three smokes in your pocket and some Brandy Rum Chocolates from Auntie Susie too.There is a smoke in there for you one for Uncle Mike who already has the cards for pass the ace and one for Grandpa.I remember while you were in the hospital everytime I would go for a smoke you would say "CAN I COME TOO".YOU ARE SO CUTE DAD.
I still wish you could be here with me but I know your new journey has begun.You are now in heaven with your first born son.I Love You Dad.

NEW PICTURE'S IN THE ALBUM JUST FOR YOU SUZETTE!lol

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, December 25, 2004 11:29 AM CST

Dad passed away this morning,he is now with the angels on Christmas Day.

Saturday,December 25,2004 11:42 PM

DAD I MISS YOU SO MUCH WORDS CANNOT SAY.IT HURTS SO BAD.YOU MEANT AND WILL ALWAYS MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME.WHEN YOU WENT A PART OF ME WENT.I KNOW YOU ARE WITH JASON AND GRANDMA AND GRANDPA AND WITH UNCLE MIKE BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THIS ANY EASIER FOR ME.I HELD YOUR HAND DAD THEN IT SLIPPED AWAY.I'M GLAD I WAS THERE WITH YOU THOUGH I WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT FOR ANYTHING.I KNOW YOU KNEW I WAS THERE MAYBE THAT IS WHY YOU MOVED YOUR HAND AWAY FROM MINE.YOU NEVER WANTED IT TO BE THAT WAY I GUESS I WILL NEVER KNOW.JUST KNOW THAT I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND NEVER EVER FORGET YOU AND WHAT YOU MEANT AND DID FOR ME.YOU WHERE MY ROCK,YOU WHERE ALWAYS THERE WHEN I NEEDED YOU NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT YOU.I MISS YOU SO MUCH DAD IT HURTS.I LOVE YOU DAD.DAD I MISS YOU SO MUCH.REMEMBER LAST NIGHT WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT JASON IS WAITING FOR YOU WITH HIS ARMS WIDE OPEN THIS WAS AROUND 1 AM.AND THEN I TOLD YOU IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY.GOD GOT THE BEST ANGEL HE COULD GET IN YOU.MAKE SURE YOU TELL JASON THAT I LOVE HIM AND GRANDMA AND GRANDPA AND UNCLE MIKE TOO.I KNOW THAT WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN WITH YOU WAITING FOR US WITH YOUR ARMS WIDE OPEN.AND I WILL BE RUNNING INTO YOUR ARMS FULL FORCE DAD SO LOOK OUT.DID YOU WATCH THE KIDS OPEN THERE GIFTS TODAY DAD.IT WASN'T THE SAME WITHOUT YOU HERE THOUGH I REMEMBER ALL THE YEARS YOU CAME HERE FOR THAT TO WATCH THEM OPEN THERE PRESENTS.YOU ENJOYED THAT SO MUCH AND I KNOW YOU WILL WATCH THEM EVERY YEAR.I MADE THIS WEBPAGE TO BE CLOSE TO YOU AND IT HELPS ME LET YOU KNOW WHAT I'M THINKING.I KNOW YOU CAN READ THIS SO READ THIS DAD I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.BRENT ATE 2 PLATES TONIGHT DAD I TOLD HIM HOW YOU ALWAYS HAD SECONDS BUT I KNOW YOU WHERE HERE WITH US TONIGHT AT DINNER.I FEEL YOUR LOVE AND WARMTH EVERYWHERE I JUST WISH COULD HOLD YOU ONE MORE TIME LIKE I DID LAST NIGHT LAYING BESIDE YOU.SITTING HERE AT HOME IS SO WEIRD I'VE BEEN GONE SO LONG ALWAYS BEING BY YOUR SIDE BUT I WOULDN'T CHANGE THAT FOR A THING AND I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN IF I HAD TO,YOU KNOW I WOULD.BRENT TOLD ME TONIGHT THAT THE DOCTOR WAS GOING TO ORDER ME HOME LAST SUNDAY IF I NEVER WENT HOME.GLAD HE NEVER HAD TO AND THAT BRENT STAYED THAT NIGHT CAUSE I WOULDN'T OF LEFT UNLESS THEY DRAGGED ME OUT OF THERE BUT I THINK YOU KNOW THAT HEY DAD.I TOLD BRENT AND BELINDA THAT I WANT YOU TO GO IN THAT FAVORITE SUIT YOU WOULD ALWAYS WEAR DAD REMEMBER THAT ONE THE BURGANY ONE.WE WENT AND GOT IT TONIGHT.I WILL CHERISH EVERYTING I EVER GOT FROM YOU DAD.YOU MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME AND I LOVE YOU DEARLY DAD.I CAN'T SLEEP I CAN'T EAT I CAN'T EVEN THINK CLEARLY NOW. WHEN YOU LEFT I LEFT TOO.I EVEN LOST TEN DOLLARS TONIGHT DAD.I KNOW YOU ARE IN A BETTER PLACE AND THAT YOUR HAPPY AND NOT SUFFERING,BUT NOW I'M SUFFERING WITHOUT YOU DAD.NOW I JUST FEEL SO EMPTY.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 24, 2004 10:13 AM CST

Dad's Kidneys are starting to shut down now.He is getting so stiff from laying in the bed he barely moves now.His feet are swollen.I gave him a good shave yesterday and put on his aftershave he smelt so good.Dad always had to be clean shavin.I try and adjust his neck with his pillow and it's so hard because you can't move it at all.His time here is now getting short his body is slowly starting to shut down.I will be going back to the hospital soon and leaving in the morning to get the kids gifts under the tree watch them open them and then back to the Hospital.I just wish Dad was here like he is every year to watch the kids open there gifts,he always enjoyed that.He also loved his Turkey and Lobster Dinner we would make.I wish he could have it again one last time.Christmas will never be the same again without Dad here.I miss his voice his smile his laugh I would do anything if I could just hear and see it all again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, December 23, 2004 8:19 AM CST

Dad is doing the same.He never pulled off his mask yesterday which was nice but it did slide off a few times during the night I think that is just from the vasiline.He is a fighter.Missed you at the hospital last night Suzette and Amanda.Soon Christmas will be here and I know my Dad will be too,he is just not ready to leave all the ones who love him so much.There is a nurse at the hospital who knows my dad from nursing school and she said he used to throw everyone in the bathtub.That's my dad for you.They said he was a comedian.He also loves flowers and painting.He would always paint window's at Christmas.I sure wish I would have a picture of his painting's they are so nice.He got a housecoat from Karios house for Christmas yesterday so we use it as a blanket for him for now.I am going to shave him again today man is he ever whiskery.He likes that and he likes the after shave too.Well that is all for now.Take Care and Merry Christmas.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 22, 2004 11:25 AM CST

Dad is the same.Last night he kept pulling off his mask.Thank -You Suzette and Amanda for coming up and staying there with me.It meant alot..You too Amanda with the voice like that.LOL Dad is such a fighter he keeps hanging on I know he is trying to fight this and I pray for him that he can.He went in there to GAIN weight only and now look what happened to him.I hate Hospitals.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 11:26 AM CST

Suzette and her Daughter Amanda stay with me at the hospital last night.Dad is the same.He does hear us though because when we talk to him he looks that way and squeezes my hand and puts his arm around me.The Doctor said that he doen't look good today and he could go anytime.He is just not ready to go yet I think he is waiting for something like maybe Christmas or a sign that it is okay for him to leave and that we will all be okay with it.He will not have to suffer anymore but he is a fighter that Dad of mine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 19, 2004 11:30 PM CST

Went to the hospital Friday night and Dad was about the same,aggitated at times.Suzette came down again and stay with me on Friday.Went down for a break and when I came up the Doctor came up to me and ask me to stop all meds because Dad wasn't getting any better for they where not working for him.So I made the gut reanching decision to keep my Dad comfortable and stop everything cause that is what he wanted.So we called everyone and told them.The Father came on Friday night and blessed my Dad.I stayed there the whole weekend.They are giving dad more pain meds now cause when he wake's he is very aggitated and he is sore from laying in bed for so long.So now we wait.It so hard to see my Dad laying there.He is fighting so hard right now I can tell.Not sure if he will make it till Christmas but Dad is such a fighter it's hard to tell.I will be staying at the Hospital in the evening so won't be updating till the following day.Please pray for my Dad for peace and comfort.This is so hard I know it's for the Best but the best is killing me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 19, 2004 5:35 PM CST

The stopped all meds on Dad they are now just keeping him comfortable I will update more later.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 17, 2004 0:02 AM CST

Went to see Dad tonight.He is not doing that great today he is having a hard time breathing.He is so congested today you can hear it when he breathes real bad.The Resident doctor came in and did a heart test on him casue he was so bad.Then they did a couple of chest x-rays.Poor Dad.They got someone to suck up all that crap by putting it through his nose,well he never liked that very much.He never sounded not to bad after that.He was a little more alert tonight not much though he knew I was there.I told him that Suzette and Kim where coming up tomorrow and that soon Uncle Victor will be there on Saturday.Wasn't too aggitated he wanted his pill but the nurse didn't want to give it to him right away cause of his breathing and his congestion.They started him on his New HIV meds on Monday but the Doctor said his body is resisting them and that it doesn't look good.They said it will take about two weeks before they know if there working or not.Dad was Asking about Auntie Susie tonight asking when she was going to bring him some cinamon rolls.I told him that he has to wait till he can eat again.Dr.Cambell thinks that his c-diff the bug he has might be clearing up.He wanted me to give him another shave but I told him I would tomorrow cause I never wanted him to have to take the oxygen off.So I just clipped his finger nails and his toe nails and man where those toe nails ever long one was already all curled down the toe.He's still hard to understand well not by me I always seem to understand what he is saying.The doctor and nurse always ask me what he says so I tell them casue they can't understand him.I hope soon he can talk normal again because he gets mad when no one know what he is saying.He's fed up with the hospital though he just wants out of there and I don't blame him.Please pray for Dad that he can breathe a bit better it scares me so much.That's all for today I will let everyone know how he is doing tomorrow.
BRENDA

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 11:05 PM CST

Went and seen Dad tonight with Kim.
He was doing alot more talking today,
And he only tried to get out of bed once.I know he is getting fed up with lying in that bed all the time.He asked me and Kim to help turn him to the other side and I was trying to get the pillow under him and he said to me what are you doing to me Brenda.I told him I was just helping him.Otherwise he's not too bad he wasn't very aggitated tonight.He did alot of talking.More than he has done in the last couple of days.And he was asking who was working at the home where he stays today so I told him.That's all for today I will let you know more tomorrow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 5:03 PM CST

Dad is about the same today.I spoke with his doctor today and his hiv meds they have him are not working.So basically he doesn't have much time left.He had a little conversation with the nurses today about when he was a nurse but that's about all.His heart rate is still a little high.I will be going there tonight.His cat scann all came back clear so that is a good thing.I'm sorry for updating the page with every detail From now on it will just be on how he is doing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 0:25 AM CST

Well they moved dad to a new room today where they can keep a better eye on him cause he keeps trying to get out of bed.I phoned the hospital today and just lost it cause they told me that he was very aggitated his blood pressure was high and his heart rate was fast.And I couldn't do anything cause I was stuck here with no sitter till Mike got home.Auntie Susie and Dale went there today and he asked them if they were golfing.When Mike finally got home I went straight to the hospital.Dad was sleeping when I got there then started to cough and that is when he was telling me to get away and so on.There were curse words in there too.lol So I asked him so Susie and Dale came and seen you today hey dad he said no they didn't I said ya they did.And then dad goes SUSIE? It was they way he said it it was funny.So dad falls asleep again after trying the big escape and he starts coughing again so of course he's at it again.I was holding his hands so he couldn't get up and he smacked my hand and said let me the f-go.Poor Dad.So I ask him if he wanted to watch TV and he goes what the f-else is there to do in this place.I had to laugh.Then I asked the nurse to suck out all the crap out of his throat cause he was choking a little and you could here it when he breathed so they did well let me tell you Dad never liked that very much he said get that f-in thing out of my mouth.Well we all laughed then even the nurse not my Dad though cause he was still pissed off.He never went for his spinal tap today cause he was way too aggitated so they might try tomorrow it all depends on how he is doing with that.They checked him and changed him before I left and everyhing was ok like his heart rate was a little high but not much.Hopefully he will have a good sleep tonight and be more alert for tomorrow.That's what I'm hoping for anyways.I'm not even sure if he realized I was there tonight or not.He did say I love you when I told him so maybe he did.Well that is all for tonight and I will update again tomorrow night.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 12, 2004 10:20 PM CST

Sorry for such a late update.I went to the hospital on Friday and my poor dad looked just aweful.His speach was really bad.It was really hard to understand him.He started crying casue he couldn't speak so that just broke my heart.He is also having bad hallucinations.He keeps saying there are spiders on the wall.It's pretty sad.He told me that his hands were dirty and they where black I said no there not dad he said yes they are and started to cry,I felt so bad for him so I gave him a cloth so he could was his hands then he was all better.Poor dad.Brent brought David to see him in the afternoon that made him smile.All my dad could say was you have big hands.lol Jason came with me in the evening which made dad smile again.Everytime he looked at him he would smile that was nice to see.Dad gave Jason a chain he would always wear and he tried telling him that he gave it to him for being his first grandchild that he got to cut the ambilical cord to.It was pretty sad.Jason loved it and started to cry.Dad wanted to be shaved so I broke out the shaving cream and shaved his face.It was funny though casue I told him that if I hurt him he could hit me well while I was shaving him he raised his hand up I said did I hurt you he said no he was just making sure that he was allowed to hit me if I hurt him I had to laugh.Then later when Jason was getting ready to go home with a friend of mine Tammy he asked Jason to stay home this Christmas cause he usually goes to his dads well my dad told him this will be his last Christmas here so once again everyone was crying.I did alot of that this weekend.SO jason left and I stayed with my dad.He was like why are you staying I told him cause I wanted to be with him.Well all Friday night my dad had the runs really bad and needed a diaper change about every ten minutes.It was funny cause right after they would change him they wouldn't even get out of the room he would need a change again.Those poor nurses.He is so raw down there now he cry when they change him cause it stings so bad. Any ways I stayed up all night with dad just helping him when he wanted to be turned over or if he needed water.Well it must have been around 4 in the moring when he said Brenda get to bed was it funny.He said he needed sleep.My poor dad he doesn't even realize what he is saying sometime cause all of the drugs they have him on.Then when it was morning dad started to cry saying he needs to sleep and he will be up I said it's okay it's only a hallucination. So at 11:30 I had to run out to the bus to pick up my cousin Suzette who came down to see dad.Well I told her I would wait outside the depot.Well she came to the van and knocked on the window and scard the living daylights out of me because I was sleeping.I was so tired.So we went to the hospital and she seen dad.He started crying again cause he had trouble talking I told him that it's ok just take your time.Everytime someone would come see him he would break down.That was hard to see him like that.Then my cousin Kim came with the babies and my Auntie Diane and my cousin dean and there friend Laurane which my dad was happy to see,again more tears.And a friend of my dads came also I forget his name.My sister Belinda and her daughter Cassandra came for awhile.So he had alot of visitors.So Saturday after all the visitors where gone I helped the nurse give my dad a sponge bath and change him which I don't mind he is my dad.Then we started to talk about Christmas and my dad again saying how he wants turkey,so I told him that no matter where you are in the hospital or at home getting cared for that I will bring him turkey then I told him that I would bring him some lobster to well his face lit up and his eyes popped out and said lobster from Mike's dad I said yes.Well it was so cute it was like getting candy in a candystore he was so excited.Then dad told me to go home and get some sleep cause I had been up for 60 hours straight.Well I never wanted to cause I wanted to stay there with him to help him if he needed it.So before for I left I told him to hand in there,then I started crying saying I don't want him to die and to keep fighting.He told me that he doesn't want to die either and that he is fighting really hard to stay here.It was just so sad.I got home at 7pm took a hot bath and fell asleep at 8pm and never woke up till 10:30.So I got up this morning and called they hospital to see how dad was doing they sad really good that he was more alert and his speach was better.SO I was getting ready to leave to go see dad and the hospital called saying that my dad is asking for me.Well I paniced not know what was happening so I asked the nurse if he was ok they said yes that he is just restless.So I left right away to see dad and when I got there I said I heard you wanted to see me he said no I never lol I had to laugh he couldn't remember.These drugs they have him on are really messing with his mind I tell you.Kim,Suzette and her son and husband came to visit again which my dad liked.He was alert and his speach was alot better and he even looked better.So they told dad they had money for his tv hook up well he was all excited but we had to wait till they tv person came.So everyone left and then Brent my brother came down and my dad wanted another shave so I shaved him again.Well dad ran out of razor's so Brent went and bought him a good one the gellette's.It was funny cause my dad looked at it and said this is not a two head its a four head.Well we both started laught cause he was complaining about a razor it was so funny.Then the tv lady showed up and we got my dad hooked up for 2 weeks.Man it's alot of money for one week it's like 80 bucks so we paid like 155.00 so he could have it for 2 weeks.Thank's Kim and Suzette for that and Brent also. So the tv is on and dad is looking at the time wanting to watch his soap The Young and the Restless.I said dad it's sunday not monday.He said oh ya.Well he was so happy about the tv it's like great he has that now he doen't need visitor's cause he has a tv now.LOL.Brent left so I once again shaved my dad for the second time today since we had a better razor.I didn't mind though.Dad asked the nurse for a catheter today so they put one on for him.This was good so it won't burn his raw bottom either. My dad used to be a nurse so he knows what he needs.lol.My friend dropped off Jason today at the hospital.They gave dad some codine today to calm down his restfullness which only made him all sleepy.I helped the nursed again to change his bedding and him.Then Jason and dad watched some tv.They are taking dad for a spinal tap tomorrow to see why he had such a dramatic change.Cause on Wednesday he was able to walk and talk normal and then on Thursday when he got the pneumonia that all changed so that will be good to find out why.They are also going to start his new HIV meds but are worried if he will have a lergic reaction otherwise they said it will not be good for dad cause there will be nothing else to give him so that is scarey.I hope they work for him.This way maybe he will have longer with us.It makes me so mad cause dad went into the hospital fine just to gain weight and now look at him.He says the same thing all the time too.We are going to ask the doctor if he can go home and get cared for there instead since he just got worse from being in the hospital.They home that he is in can have all the things there for him like oxygen and everything whatever he needs so we will see about that.Dads throat is really sore and dry today from not being able to drink anything for a week now.All day today he kept asking for a drink I felt so bad for him for I had to keep telling him that he is not allowed to.They are going to do a swallow test on him tomorrow so hopefully he will pass that so he can drink again.Then maybe the poor man will be able to eat again too.Then dad says to me you know that is what happens before you die your throat gets all dry and you can't swallow I tolk him Dad your not going to die cause of that it's because your not allowed anything right now.My dad is so funny and cute.I love him so much I would do anything for him even take on his pnemonia and his bug just so he can gain his weight and get out of there.Well that is all I will update tomorrow night sometime letting you all know how all his test went and how the result were for some and to let you all know how is day went.Thanks for all your prays I know they are helping.

MONDAY,DECEMBER 13,2004 10:05PM

WHAT A NIGHT!
DAD WAS JUST NOT HIMSELF TONIGHT AT ALL. I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM, THEY HAVE HIM ON CODEINE BECAUSE HE IS VERY AGITATED. HE KEPT TRYING TO GET OUT OF BED ALL NIGHT SAYING THAT HE WANTS TO TRY AND STAND. I TOLD HIM HE COULDN'T AND HE SAID LIKE HELL I CAN'T I WANT OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE. IT'S SO HARD TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS. I JUST CRIED THE WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE. THAT IS WHAT HE DID ALL NIGHT TONIGHT AND SAYING MEAN THINGS WHICH I KNOW HE DOESN'T MEAN BUT IT STILL HURTS. I TOLD HIM I WAS GOING HOME SOON AND HE SAID WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR GO ALREADY. THEN I STARTED CRYING AND HE SAID WHY ARE YOU CRYING SO I TOLD HIM AND HE JUST GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK THEN I TOLD HIM I WAS CALLING HIS NURSE AND HE SAID LIKE F-YOU ARE AND STOP TRYING TO BE THE HERO IT'S SO HARD TO SEE HIM LIKE THAT. MY POOR DAD I TOLD THOSE NURSES NO MORE CODEINE IT IS JUST MAKING HIM MORE RESTLESS. HE WENT FOR A CHEST X-RAY TODAY BUT NOT FOR THE SPINAL TAP THEY ARE DOING THAT TOMORROW SOME TIME. THAT'S ABOUT ALL FOR TONIGHT I JUST CALLED THE HOSPITAL AND THEY SAID HE HAS SETTLED DOWN A LITTLE BIT, BUT THEY ARE GOING TO PUT THE BED ALARM ON FOR TONIGHT JUST INCASE HE TRIES TO GET OUT AGAIN. AND WHEN MY DAD IS DETERMINED TO DO SOMETHING HE WILL DO IT NO MATTER WHAT KIND OF STATE HE IS IN. DAD THINKS THAT HE MIGHT NEED SPEECH THERAPY AFTERWARDS. I WISH I COULD STAY THERE ALL THE TIME WITH HIM BUT I CAN'T. AND THAT HURTS CAUSE IT TAKES ME FOREVER TO LEAVE FOR I DON'T WANT TO. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYER THEY MEAN AND HELP ALOT.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, December 9, 2004 11:28 PM CST

My heart is just breaking to see my dad the way he is.Another emotional day at the hospital.My dad is now having to wear a oxygen face mask to help him breathe.He can barley talk he so weak and can't even move that much unless he has help.He wants to drink water and he wants yogurt but is not allowed because of the pnemonia.I had to help turn him over to his back then his side cause he just doesn't have the strenght to do it on his own.The nurse's came in tonight to give his meds and his blood pressure and everything is good.I had to give my dad his inhaler tonight it's like the ones for people who have azma,That was hard telling him to take a deep breath in when it's so hard for him to breath as it is.I also gave him water but with a sponge in his mouth all around inside cause he can't drink anything just so he doesn't get dehydrated.They said hopefully he will be able to drink and eat tomorrow it all depends.I feel so bad for my Auntie susie she came to see my dad tonight and she broke down cause my dad couldn't really comunicate at all and it was hard for her to see her brother like that.All my dad's brother's and sister's are so close with him.They all love him so much and it's hard cause they know he is in pain.Auntie brought my dad those famous cinnamon rolls of hers and my poor dad can't have them yet.But I know when he is able to eat again they will be gone in a heartbeat.And yes I had only one Auntie dad said it was ok.I am going up there again tomorrow with my son Jason for my dad keeps asking for him.I want to bring Tristan and Felicity to but they won't stay in a gown and gloves and my dad understands that and says that there just too little and don't understand why.He slept while I was there so I just held his hand the whole time then he started to cry.It broke my heart.I was crying so hard.He is being so strong my father even thought we all know he is hurting and scared like we all are for him. Well that is all I have to say for now but I will update again sometime tomorrow night when I get home.
Please keep my dad in your Prayer's he really needs them now more than anything.Before I left the hospital I told him to keep fighting and he told me he will try.I know he is hurting but I also know he wants to fight too.

His Loving Daughter
Brenda

Friday,December 10,2004 2:20pm

There has been no change in my dad at all except for his coughing has decreased.They took up for test.To make sure there is no bleeding or brain damage from the pnemunia.I'm praying so hard that he will pull through this but with signs of no improvement it's hard but I'm not going to give up.I know he's tierd but in there somewhere there is a fight in him.I Love him so much it hurts.
Brenda.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 8, 2004 10:59 PM CST

Well my dad has gotten worse.I walked in his room and I just started crying.He now has asperation pneumonia.Bronchopneumonia resulting from the entrance of foreign material, usually food particles or vomit, into the bronchi.So he has fluid in his lungs now.He is on oxygen and intervince.They are going to drain his lungs tomorrow.I feel so bad for him he can't even sit himself up at all.The nurse and I had to help him.They told me he got this because he swallowed his food and drinks wrong.He has fever of 38.8.He hasn't gotten out of bed today at all.He said he shakes really bad.I don't think my dad will be out for Christmas.He was saying he likes my turkey.Well I had to laugh I told him that I will bring him some.That's my dad for you no matter how sick he is he still thinking about my Turkey dinner.I'm also bring him some lobster for he's been asking for that also.I just pray that after they drain his lungs he won't get any worse.I'm so scared for him now.He never ate at all Today so that is not good either.My Auntie Susie is going up there tomorrow and bringing him some of her cinnimon rolls she makes and he likes those so hopefully he will eat them otherwise I'm going to.Kidding.That's all for now But I will update as soon as I get back from the hospital tomorrow night and let you all know how he is doing.I printed the guest book for him tonight and read it to him.Darren he just laughed at you.He said Darren your not my cousin.LOL Take Care everyone.

Thursday,December 9,2004 12:15
I just called the hospital and he will not be getting his lung drained like I thought.I will update more later.

Brenda

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 2:50 PM CST

Another bad day for dad.He is still coughing alot.I feel so bad for him.He said he feels like he is getting worse since he has been in there.Belinda brought him some Ukranin food today.He ate it all up.So that is good.His MRI result are fine.So that is another thing.He is staying in bed today.I wish Dad never had to go to that hospital.They could have had a nurse go to his home to help him.He could gain weight from there now he is always sick in that hospital.I just want him to get better and not sure if he will if he has to stay in the hospital.It seems to be bringing him down and depressed which is not good.

My address is below if anyone wants to send him some cards.Thanks everyone.I will be printing off the guestbook today to take to my dad tomorrow.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, December 6, 2004 9:50 PM CST

Hi everyone.Well my dad has had a bad day today.He never ate anything today except a yogurt.He also never got out of bed today at all.He is very weak today.He said tomorrow he is going to have another bad day I said think positive.I guess it's hard to think positive when your stuck in a room all day though.The doctor never came to see him today either about starting him on new meds so I don't know what's up with that.I'm trying to get a hold of the doctor who did his MRI to find out those results.I will call again tomorrow.Dad is coughing alot also I think it is because he is not smoking anymore.He coughs so much that he chokes so that's a little scary.Well that's all for today I will update again tomorrow night on how his day went.

Don't forget to sign the guest book so he knows you stopped by even if it's for a hi he likes that makes him smile.

Thank-You
Brenda(Smokinbee)

I just got an email wanting to send my dad a card.It brought tears to my eyes.I will post my address under the hospital if any one wants to send him cards He would love that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 5, 2004 7:23 PM CST

There is now music on the webpage.Thank-You Kristy for doing this for me.It means alot.
Dad is doing good today.Had no problems today.His stools are starting to harden so that is a good sign means the virus is starting to leave.He's a little worried about getting put on the new meds tomorrow for he doesn't know what kind of side affect he will have.Hopefully he won't have any.Then maybe he can get out of that hospital and get home where he belongs.His weight is 109.9 which is really good.That is all I know for now I will update again tomorrow.Wow what I mess I made in the journal history I have the same entry 5 times.Man what was I doing.I'm learning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, December 4, 2004 5:54 PM CST

Well where do I begin.Last night Dad was
waiting for his sleeping pill that he gets
at 9:00pm,well at 10 dad went out there
and said where is my pill. So at 11:15 he
finally got his pill.They had no idea.On Monday
they are going to start him on new meds to see
if they will work and not give him a bad reaction
hopefully they won't and he won't have any
acid from them otherwise there will be nothing
to give him.Then this morning he was feeling sick
well he threw up.
But he is in good cheer today.The doctor was
in today and told him all his test result are
good and there is no cancer at all.The doctor
also said he was fine when he went into the
hospital and he got the bug from the hospital.
What a joke.Poor Dad.Then this morning he fell
out of bed and couldn't get back up.He couldn't
reach his panic botton so my poor dad is yelling
for help.
It took them 5 minutes to help him
before anyone heard him.He's ok though.
I brought him a radio today
and some yogurt which he ate.I was gowned up and
in my gloves dad wanted some water with ice and
the nurses gave me shit for leaving the room with
my gown and gloves on.Give me a break.They said
whatever is in there could come out here.Was I mad.
Why is his door open then.So if anyone brings him
anything take is to the desk if it has to go in
the fridge otherwise they won;t take it if it
goes into his room.LOL Do I have to get sterilized
just to leave his room.LOL My dad was just laughing
at how there are there like
he has the plague or something.
When they brought him to his room they
brought him in a wheel chair well in now has to
stay in there cause now it has to be disinfected
or something.Let me tell ya my poor dad.I can't
wait till he is off that floor.But that is all I
have for you today I will update again tomorrow
on how they treated him.I printed the guest book
for him.He loved it.It any of you have stories to
tell him about tell him in there.He will enjoy
reading them.So all the aunts and uncles start
typing lol.Take Care everyone.New picture in the
album below.Don't forget to sign the guestbook.

Update Dad now weighs 109.9 he just called me.I'm glad he is gaining.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 3, 2004 5:10 PM CST

Well Dad has been moved to a new floor.He is under isolation.There are gowns and gloves outside his room to put on before you go in.The nurses there are very rude.He is not allowed to leave the room at all.They won't let him have a radio unless it is clean when he leaves the room.Heaven for bid.There is not even a tv room there.He misses the staff on 43 already.His new room is Ward 54 Room 3.That's all I have for the mean time.I will be going there tonight to bring him a radio.We would like to get Dad a tv hooked up in his room if any one wants to pitch in.First day is 12 and then it's about 6 to 8 dollars a day.I guess the radio has to be inspected.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 3, 2004 2:54 PM CST

Well I was told today that the doctor's give my dad at least 2 months if not less to live.I can't handle this.I went to see him tonight and broke down.It hurts so bad.I weighed him he weighs only 105 now from the 112 he weighed on saturday.I'm scared if he keeps losing weight he might not be here for Christmas.He is so small now I can put my hand around his upper arm.He is like a skeleton.They have him on isolation now cause he has a bug in his bowel so if we go see him we have to where gowns and gloves.But I was there tonight and never said anything till I was leaving.Like come on!He shares a room with someone.Like what is it really for if it's that bad we should have to where masks also you would think.So now I can;t take the younger kids to see him cause they won't leave that stuff on.I'm so so scared of him dying.He has problems breathing he loses his breathe well he did tonight when I was there and it scared me to death.I thought that this was it.When he finally caught his breath he was crying saying it hurts and probably cause he couldn't breath.I'm so scared that is going to happen when he is sleeping.And he told me it takes the nurses forever when he rings the bell what if that happens again and they don't come in time and he dies.I wish he was here with me and not in that dam hospital.They can't put him on new meds cause there is none to give him.I'm so scared.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 3, 2004 4:14 AM CST

Dad is not doing so well.He is still not gaining any weight.His current weight is 105.He now has a bug in his bowel and is in isolation any visitor's must where a gown and gloves. I will print out the guestbook to take to Dad to read every couple of days.Doctor's give Dad 2 months or not even left.

My Memories and Thoughts

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Me Dad and Uncle Marty My Two Heavenly Angels

DAD AND UNCLE MARTY MY TWO ANGELS

Monday, September 18, 2006

DAD

DADDY

I LOVE YOU DAD

I LOVE YOU DAD

DAD

MY DAD WHILE HE WAS SICK IN THE HOSPITAL

About Me

Links

Previous Posts

Archives